Tonite's run: 11:23mins.

Crunches, twist and pushups.

Walau... can die just trying to hit 100 pushups... how the hell did I ever manage 400 in poly? Damn lousy.

Kinda sucky. Dunno why the hell my shins got very tight toward the 2nd half. It should have been well rested... maybe I was stomping too much down the slope.

These past few days I've awakened to so many things.

Memories that were best left forgotten, memories that have to be dealt with in order to move forward.

Perhaps its from the most painful memories that we can learn the most from, yet a part of us refuses to do so, because its just too painful.

One could say that the extent of any situation is based on your perspective. You can be a cynic, an optimist, or a realist. Which view is the right one? I still don't know.

Facing the past was always something that scared me at times. Thinking back on how lost I was in that world... how I fear that I will fall back into that state. Yet here I am, with one leg outside, and one leg still stuck inside. Maybe I'll never be able to pull the other leg out until I look back to manuever it out of the mess.

I'm able to recall situations with an oustider's perspective now, and in so doing, some more pleasant memories are coming back.

A few days ago I walked past that playground. I can't believe its still there. It looks just like it was so many years ago, even the swings still work.

I remember those nights after practice when we just strolled there in the darkness and solemnity of the night, and sat on those swings, talking about anything and finding it thoroughly amusing for no reason. We'd laugh so loud, without a care in the world.

I think that part of the euphoria was due to relief, really. Relief that practice was over, and we'll be able to just be friends again.

Its weird, seeing this person whom you've spent years quietly practicing kata, kicking, stancing and movements with infront of you, and you'd have to fight him. You can't hold back, because there would be no match discipline. Yet you just can't bear to attack.

It was easier during combined clubs practice, because all the other guys there were there for one thing... to fight.

After practices at ccp when I was the only one from my team there, I remember having the weirdest feeling leaving the training grounds. I think that's when it all started.

The detachment from reality.

Everyone in that hall was your opponent. You do not show any weakness, you do not think twice before attacking. You constantly look for openings and exploit any hole in his defences. Any social norms that you observe outside are invalid. Respect is shown when you give your all. You are there to be either more aggresive or more cunning.

And when you leave, the feeling stays.

Everyone is your opponent.


Everyone.


Disgust, hate, and anger at everyone's weaknesses.

When you can see through so clearly, and have the perspective or a cynic, its really so easy to not give a damn about anyone else and just want to be alone forever.


I can't remember when things started to change. Maybe it was when someone cut her finger trying to help me craft out a mounting board during class, which made me realize that not everyone thinks only about themselves.

And when Hong picked me up for training and taught me the meaning of brotherhood. Real brotherhood, not just someone you do social gestures toward to act close to in public.

When you finally start to accept your own moronic behaviour, is when you can finally accept the moronic behaviour of other people.