Maybe the reality of it hasn't set in yet.

I still look around under the furniture for her to pick her up, swirl around, and place on high objects.

But she won't be there anymore.

I wish I could shed a tear for her, she deserved that much at least. But no matter how hard I try, I can't. Maybe I'm too spoiled inside. Maybe I'm too good at cutting anything off before it gets the better of me. Everything always under control.

She was a good companion, and we looked at her as another family member, no matter how hard I kept calling her 'bitch'.

I can only imagine how hard it must have been for mom to see her during that time. Part of me wishes I was there to keep her warm in her last moments, part of me doesn't, due to fear that I would break down.

I always knew that that day would come, purposely joking about getting a new dog, but the truth is, I always hoped that it would never happen.

I miss you. I love you. Good bye.




I did it. At last, for you.

Seeing his face like that just now. There was such fear sadness and frustration. Made me realize how broken this team is, and made me angry that I didn't see it coming. Its saddening how they so naturally show two faces.

Makes me wonder how I can fix this.

Makes me wonder if this can be healed.

There's a peacefulness I long for.

Hopefully I shall find it in the waters tomorrow.