Crossroads again.

Gotta think long and hard again. Was it this hard last time? I can't remember. One way is the safer path, the other is a little uncertain, yet my heart wants to take it.

I've felt sorry for those who have lost their own direction in life, those who

Last night confirmed it. I'm not the type to do something for money if I hate the job, even if the money is good. I'm through playing other people's games. Now its time for me to be on the production team. Drones can carry on with that type of life, I expect more of myself.

Its time to follow the path that will give meaning to my life.






Anyway, its nice to see the dog wanting to do more for the team. Shows he's finally beginning to understand. It may be a little late now, but not too late.

Defeated a wussy nerd in the gym today, and accidentally defeated his mount too. hahaha. Reminds me of the days in ultima online when I stonewall/firewall trap some poor sucker and accidentally roast his mount along with him. Woopsie.

Current count now is standing at 8.

Its going to get busy...

Still amazed that I managed to nab some projects with people of that caliber through professional relations (and not sleeping around, which would be impossible as most of them are... XD then again this isn't HK hahaha.)

Seeing as to how the last 2 simulations were a success and I've been getting better and better, this one shouldn't fail either.

I may.... .... have to postpone school lol.

Or I may pull of another lvl 99 godlike multitask scenario again. Hrm.....

Why the hell do I need a degree again?

Godamnit!

So anyway, part 3 of the major game, the other 2 simulations were just tests. Without actually execution, there would be no way to find the bugs and sort them out and get a better feel of what direction I would want to take.


Then why am I a little overwhelmed? XD

So the time being right, I finally moved to the next stage. And I was right, because 5 companies bit the bait within the first 3 days already.

Its nice to be recognized.

Its always a nice feeling when the past few years of planning and preparation slowly bear fruit. Nevertheless, its only the third stage.

On the same field as the big boys, but soon that field will be mine.

Tonite's run: 12:50. Yes, I know I shouldn't have bothered trying to run the usual route, much less time it, due to my stomach feeling like its on fire thanks to some crazy indians who tried to kill me by chilli.

The Ballade of the Warriors is finished. Woot.

3am, can't sleep.

Argh.

Lumines 2 can be a hazard.

On the way back today on the train... I was too engrossed in playing to realize that I had taken the WRONG LINE when I was already all the way at outram park towards raffles place when I should have just taken it straight to bishan.

Nvm.

Then I miss the city hall stop and have to backtrack one stop to catch the train to backtrack back home.

Wtf?

But it was worth it, because I managed to score more than 100,000 points and rank NUMBER 1 in the hardest mode in lumines 2. Yes, I am Lumines god. God of lumines! Muhahahaa



So I went and did it. Oh boy. I just hope I won't be swamped with work or whatever. Its damn fun when people ask me what I do for work and I tell them that I'm a music composer.

Some don't believe that its possible to do what you love for work. They just don't get it.

Years of planning, years of simulations have gone into this. Its not just some silly idea or fantasy.

Years ago I decided that I would not be like the rest of the population, government resources, living their lives out according to the paths of convention laid out for them.

I expected more of myself, or perhaps ego made me look down on all of them. Even the smartest kids back then didn't have a clue as to how to use their brains.

Which made them stupid, in my eyes.

If anyone could break out of the system and rewrite it for himself, it would be me.

Not just cheating, or bending the rules, but a complete and utter rewrite.

Some people have stationary on a table, and organize it to suit their life, thinking that they have exercised creativity. I would throw away anything boring on the table, and place what I would want instead.

Some people wonder what the meaning of life is.

Its for yourself to give meaning to.


I am but one step closer.

Last night's run: 11:53mins for the usual route.

Yes, I can last the whole run using cycle step, though my forefoot was burning towards the end of the run.

Breathing ratio 2:1:1 until right before final turn, then 2:1
Interview today at school, which turned out to be more like a get to know the ppl in charge of ccas.

Couldn't make it in time for training after that... so went gym instead.

And the lack of sleep is finally getting critical. I thought yesterday was bad... today I find myself acting on my own.

Not sure why I grabbed wussy nerd's arm and was going to dislocate it when I realized what I was doing and quickly shifted trajectory of the blow and tried to stop it.

Wussy nerd was finally ready to row to meet the Merlion and esplanade today, and the water conditions were right, so off we went. I got the blessing but he was too hum to go inside haha.

Was quite worried that I'd space out while rowing or recovering the other boat and something disastrously stupid would happen, but managed to force myself to be alert.

Eyes shutting can't type already.

Just when I thought that everything was going well, I felt him again today.

The silent thinking, the anger, the disgust.

I'm not sure what triggered it this time either. What I do know is that I wished so hard that I would have an excuse to use it again.

But I didn't. No more will I feed his anger. No matter how much it burns inside me.

My weapon is meant to protect, not to sooth petty emotions.

At times like these, I keep telling myself that the deepest shadow is cast by the strongest light.

I know who I am, and who I want to be. I know what I am capable of, but I will not dwell on the shadow cast by obstacles that I cannot foresee.



Its an addiction. But I'm kicking the habit. Si would probably say that I'm weak to think like this.

But being too strong will tear you apart.

There was a time when I would have joined the team when someone like nasiman specifically asked for me to join the team. But I guess now its too late for that.

Like Tezuka said, someone who has lost his fighting spirit doesn't deserve to fight alongside the team.

I remember this feeling. When ST left the team, and Hong had graduated. That was when I went to canoeing. Too let down by those who didn't share the same passion as me.

Maybe I need to do the same now.

Perhaps the fire for db will rekindle in the future like it did last time, when I eventually decided to do right what I saw everyone else doing wrong.

Problem with doing something for passion is that once that passion has waned, you don't know how to continue.

If I could cry, maybe I'd look like Jonny did.

In other news, Monty just emailed me about his latest movie... and its pure genius. http://gametrailers.com/umwatcher.php?id=57998

Met up with Eugene at the gym in the morning, Joel and Josh were there too. Was good to catch up with them.

Went back to do work, then off to canoe with the wussy nerd.

He's progressing obscenely fast. I wish I had a walking talking prima guide to kayaking when I was starting out in the sport too... then I could have power levelled faster -_-

Was looking down to check stroke during a sprint during the end and almost crashed into the canoe poloists lol.

Rushed back to do work again, then met seetoh at cck, then rushed to bishan gym.

I hate rushing.

Went to the wussy nerd's place to play ps3 after that. Ridge racer's gameplay dynamics is surprisingly similar to that of chocobo racing... the drifting is like the handbrake turn which can be held or tapped. Ended up utterly trashing him huhuhuhuhu...

Then played some fps which was damn fun, but godamn hard to aim with the controller la. Need more conditioning for that.

PS3 plays well, as expected of sony. I just wish that capcom would come up with some new fighting games.... what are they waiting for?!

I don't know what I'm waiting for. I should execute the plan for music.

Like Chua used to say, "his potential is to be outstanding, but only if he wants."

Right now I want to take a break, yet I want bigger projects for music. So I'm screwed.

In-game npc chicks should learn how to behave.

Seriously... the stupid nerds that wrote the plot and designed these girls must have been so horny. But ohh... the polygons.

Been super productive today. 2 new songs. Now I'm going to run away into the world of might and magic again XD

Must make sure I sleep early tonite.

Tonight's run: 11:44mins damn slow pace and timing but very tired for some reason. Shin hurts and the toe step technic is really slow.

Short vulgar nerd had a bizarre reaction to a cockroach on the way back and digivolved into short vulgar wussy nerd. What an accomplishment.

And he left his van keys in the van... gg. If he just manages to reach home safely tonight it will be a great success.

Anway, at last, everything is in place, fully functional, but better and faster than ever. Shaneroh!

Its a magical feeling when your life revolves around one thing in so many different ways, and that one thing just got a super upgrade.

Every night is a battle to tear myself away to sleep.

Too many things I want to do, not enough time. I wish I could multitask myself as well as the computer does.

I really have too much work + too many programs + too much hardware and settings to setup.

But thankfully, after one day, its finished.

More or less at least.

For general graphics:
Photoshop - done
3ds max - done

For MUGEN and spritework:
Paintshop pro - done
arachnophilia - done
particle illusion - done


For music and sound:
Reason - done
kompakt - halfway
cakewalk - done
cooledit - done


webdesign:
swishmax - done
dreamweaver - not done knn
swift3d - not done knn

video editing:
adobe premiere - not done
snag it - not done


Estimated timing for the upgrade was good. Only 1 application out of everything has problems running on vista, and the problem is minimal.

I realize I use my computer to do SO MANY THINGS that if just one method of execution is unavailable i feel so GODAMN HANDICAPPED.

-_-

By tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

Upgrading computer specs and os to windows vista truly is a traumatizing experience.

First there were huge complications because the guy who assembled the system put the dvd writer drive all the way at the top slot, which is too far away from the bottom hard disk slots and the godamn ide cable is not long enough to reach both of them.

So now I have to run my ide disks using external to usb. But then, my partitioned drives cannot be recognized and vista asks me to format, so I'll have to assemble my old rig back, and migrate all my data over to the non-partitioned drive wtf!

AND THEN there's no sound. Because I lost my audigy cd so there were no drivers. But thank god creative had the vista drivers on their website.

The good thing about having times two the previous processor power than last time and a 10k rpm hdd is multitasking is a godamn breeze now, applications open in the blink of an eye.

Windows aero looks nice... but takes some getting used to. Having to confirm things 999 times is driving me nuts!

So what's it feel like being able to get 8 hours of sleep for the past few days?

Damn awesome! hahaha.

More sleep = more control over self = less of angsty reu = happier reu!

Kingdom hearts 2 is out on ps2. I so want to play... but I know that I will completely lose any momentum for work that I have now. Maybe when I give myself a break or something in a couple of weeks.

Nic forewent his mambo night last night to play dota with us haha. Was starving but had NO EGGS to eat my korean noodles with omg. So I joined game, forward-forward dashed to the closest 7-11 to buy eggs, then back-back dashed home in time to miss the battle horn for the match but managed to catch up the 2 levels I was behind.

The idiots didn't report their missing opponents on one occasion while I was pushing near enemy base, and I got back and side stabbed. Their bloody excuse: "Reu, this isn't like real life, you cannot 1 take on 3."

wtf?

Yes... Zwei can jump now! XD

Finished jumping forward and backward which means... all basic movement minus turning around is finished!

Anyway, going to log one mail because unlike the usual fanmail, this one makes sense... and confuses me in the middle.


'You know what? I didn't even have a planned discussion for this message. I just wanted you to know how great I think your music is. I'm sure that when people first start on this site, they first seach for mixes of games that they have played, then search for popular ones, then search for other mixes from artists that they like. I have done just that, and I am searching through all of your songs submitted here on OCR. My first expirence with you was with ascention to cosmo canyon, when searching through final fantasy mixes. Let me say that even though that song was never the absolute best on my list, it has always been at least in the top 5 or 6. But the amazing thing is, it lasted far longer than any other song on my mp3 player. I can only fit about 70 songs on it, so I am constantly rotating what songs I have on it. When I get board with a song, I get rid of it and replace it with something new. Ascention to cosmo canyon is the second longest lasting song on it behind Darangen's 'warriors of light'. The only reason that it is beating it in terms of length on my mp3, is because I found it first. Then, while searching through Chrono Symphonic, I found 'Too far away times', which also imeadiately went up to the top. Now when searching what you have done, I have decided that without a shadow of a doubt, you are the best(my opinion). I see that your songs only have about relatively 30 reviews, but it doesn't matter because I see you as the greatest, and would like to praise you for your work. Congratulations."

It was nostalgic walking through the fountains and atrium, going up the escalator. Really brought back memories of looking forward to going to school everyday... unless I was playing ultima online.

The school team is doing ok. Good to see some familiar faces. Weights in that small room is the same as ever. Stuffy and hot despite the aircon lol.

Knowing Den, He'd be affected the most by her passing away, unlike me. Though that's why I picked him in the first place. I saw someone who would be able to lead my team with his heart, and not any of the wrong motives.

If I could, I would heal him. Though sometimes I worry that I am preventing him from learning to recover on his own by lending him my helping hand time and time again.

But he healed me in the past, when my life was but a mere cynical facade to advance to world domination, he showed me that there was greater meaning if you believe in other people, regardless of whether they disappoint you or not. I don't know another person who has a stronger idea on what the word "team" means.

And if his heart showed me the way more than once, then my brain will help him out more than once too.

Things hurt more when you open your heart so much to the people around you. But sometimes pain is good.

He could never understand the importance of psychological and indirect cognitive manipulation, I once thought that he was too innocent, but its just that its against his personality.

That's the difference between us, I guess.

The white, looking upon dark, the dark looking upon the white.

But without setting the lines clear, the white will be stained, and without looking at the white, the dark will never know just how dark he is.

I'm finally getting that feeling again.

Everything is falling into place again. Its like the mess that NS created is finally cleaned up, and everything is back on track and going according to plan.

Everyday I wake up looking forward to the day, looking forward to what I want to do, whether work or training.

Every night I hate to put down what I'm doing, because I love it so much.

This is the direction I worked so hard to find, and I finally got it back.

There were days when the team was all that I could think about.

I remember Jon's eyes when he asked me what he should do. He had grown tired of it, yet he loved it so much. He was crying.

How do you describe a feeling that you want to do something so much because you love it, yet you have grown so tired of it?

If I could express myself normally I would probably cry too.

Some of the guys think that like all the other ord'rs I would have quit long ago close to ORDing.

But I guess that's the difference between the guys and me. They came for the attachment, I just love the sport. I never joined the team for freedom in army, I had contingency after contingency for that. It was but a step for the big picture, but now it will lead to other things, instead of the original plan.

Now I just need to ensure that I've taught the junior exco well so that they can lead to the best of their own ability. And despite the obvious conflicts with one party, dog and weizhen can get along now.

Its been long. And I am relieved that this task is coming to an end. Giving dog more freedom to spread his wings out more often while taking training means that I have more free time to do everything else that I want to do.

Unlike sports, music is one thing that isn't the same as time goes by, and I will never get tired of it. Plus its the only means for me to truly feel.

Project2 is coming along well. Zwei can walk around and crouch, his cape animates so smoothly. He will be the benchmark for 2d fighting game characters for years to come.

So the parents were like excited to watch me on tv...

I don't know why that pisses me off...

I guess some kids like to make their parents proud.

I was always the opposite. Because often making them proud meant doing what they wanted me to do and not what I wanted to do.

Weird how things carry forward.

I couldn't watch it. lol.... but when the flood of calls and sms came in I knew the group intros were done.

Gym then canoed with the short vulgar nerd yesterday. Supposed to train with damien too but he thought that we were starting the week after. -_-

The small vulgar nerd is showing some semblance of speed at last. Can keep up with my long hard pull... for awhile at least before crashing and burning into the water in the most disastrous manner.


MOS with the nteam and safsa guys after that... fat people really take up too much space when its too crowded. And it was crowded to shit at the hiphop section. Ended up going to trance with dog and alvin.

Dance floor there wasn't too crowded at least. Its funny how the girls started crowding around... yet the one I went to had to go after awhile. Sad....

The ex was there.

She still feels so warm, like last time.


Training today.

Dog has matured so much. I now feel the same pride that I felt when I saw Den lead my team. Its different, but they are both different anyway. He may be finally ready.

He's managed to finally see the things that I've been trying to open his eyes to, yet maintain his heart and desire. One thing that I don't know if I will recover.

WZ is able to communicate with him much better and plan the trainings.

And even now as they come to me to solve the problems between them, I know that soon, they will be able to do that on their own.


Rowing with the old nteam guys is nostalgic. There's a certain sound you hear when you do the flip during recovery at a certain angle, and the water whisks off in a curve pattern, as the rower behind you catches every single drop on his blade. That gentle sound of water pattering on the blade between the heavy swosh of each pull.

Yet I feel more compelled to row my own boat out in the open waters. Vulnerable to the waves yet at peace with them.



Perhaps my future db races will be with n tu canoeing. I don't know.

Right now I'm just too tired from 5 hours of training.

Some birds are just meant to fly higher than the rest, to be free among the crowds.

I wonder what it would be like to get into the swing of school again. The normal flow is something that I tried so desperately to get out of.

Resources for the government. Overworked, underpaid, that's what the people in this country are. Underpaid perhaps not in money, but in other things. They console themselves with the figures that they make, the cars that they buy. They think that what little autonomy they have in their daily routine is a life.

How good it is to be naive.

How good it is to just be able to accept things like the way they are like a mindless drone.

But that is society, convention. If you challenge that, people will call you weird or crazy.





Den got enlisted already.

I remember the day I enlisted, he and JW were there to see me through all the way to the terminal. And I handed Den my tag right before we parted, keeping the "long" part.

It was to be a reminder to me to who I had come to be, and who I wanted to be, because I knew that being in the army may make me face that person whom I was so long ago, and I might need an extra reminder to remind me of my goals.

I wish I was there for him when he enlisted. But I was in China. One of those missed calls was probably from him. But I know those from the team that I passed down to him were there for him.

Den, Jonny, Louis... all the captains I've trained or mentored ended up in the commandos somehow.

Those whom I was close to in high school are overseas, or I have distanted myself from.

The old squad isn't in contact. We meet once a year or so, but nothing more. Perhaps there's something among us that can never be put to rest. There is always a state of tension among fighters even if they are friends. And we really don't need such a reminder anymore.


Is there no bond that can last? Friends come and go, family comes and goes, girls come and break your heart.

Sometimes its better off being naive.

Its better off just following society blindly.

Everything is as it should be according to convention.

A typical day at the cro wne plaz a resort:

Wake up

Wash up

Open door, greet security, take elevator down to cafe

Walk around the 50 metre buffet just to get 3 eggs, 3 hotcakes, 3 chicken/veal sausages, maybe a bowl of chicken porridge or miso soup

Avoid the paparazzi while going to the gym for first session.

Greet the gym girls at the gym, work out.

Head down to the business centre to check emails and etc after greeting the girls working there.

Go up to room, shower, change for the day's events/shooting.

Gather at reception and wait for the buses and police escorts to arrive.

Play psp on bus with bryan and francois or sleep.

Random event scheduled for us.

Head back to the resort for lunch.

Walk up and down the 50m buffet to plan what to eat.

Go back to start of buffet and start picking food that I want to eat.... knn.

Wave to waitress, get orange juice.

Go for second round of protein.

Head up to room to change.

See room in perfect condition since housekeeping has been there already, jump on smooth sheets and enjoy aircon for awhile.

Random event scheduled for us or go to gym again.

Go to business centre.

Go to the japanese restaurant for teppanyaki with Francois.

Gym if haven't yet, or play psp or sleep.

Go down for dinner...

Repeat steps from lunch for dinner.

Go to gym if haven't yet or go play psp.

Go to business centre to check email/etc.

Go play psp or go to the red peppe r club.

Go back to room, washup.

Sleep.




Yeap that's about it.

Was supposed to go to Zou k last night but... lost to the manual override sleep function on the bed instead.

Sometimes sleep is better than the.... alternative anyway.

Ehh... still sleepy for some reason.

Last night's run: 20 mins. I guess the short stride length was a little pressuring to the knees. Ate alot... huhuhu.

Back with the team today at last, to find out what is going on.

Despite the huge mess, its good to see some form of order and movement surfacing.

I guess I had to be away for the dog to finally open his wings. This makes me wonder if me staying on would hamper his further development.

Ultimately I just want to make sure that they can go on without me. Dependency is one of the rules of power, but I really don't care about that anymore. Sometimes there are bigger things.

The exco really is an amusing bunch.

First night back with nteam too. Now that I've had both teams merge, its even easier for me to leave things in nasi's hands.

Went to ksl after training at night for duckrice and shared a plate of damn awesome but oily carrot cake with Alvin. Yumm....

I don't know if I should stay. The prestige of being in the 'natio nal team' doesn't appeal anymore. Partly because I've represented the country before anyway and single handedly spent more of the government's money on that trip than an entire team for the sea games.

But the main reason is that if I stay, I'll be starting the cycle all over again, and quite frankly this is a game that isn't worth replaying that many times.

Only thing would be the team. But right now I feel like being a loner for awhile.

Maybe I just need more time to think things through.

Alright, the media is starting to cash in on the whole contest and on me. Reports coming in from everything about radio and tv stations and papers. I wish I actually watched tv, listened to the radio or read papers...

Hossan Leong on power 98 seems to have slammed all the guys... even in the context of comedy... if I see him down the street he will gg.

Then just now jean denker said I have a nice bod and abs, but am not metrosexual.

Main Entry: metrosexual
Part of Speech: n, adj
Definition: a heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males
Etymology: 1994; blend of metropolitan + heterosexual

Like whoa... I don't want to be metrosexual so... go jean go! I won't say that you're short anymore.


Went canoeing just now, at last. The water felt so good. Wanted to drop by the old chicken rice stall at bendemeer but... its gone :(

I remember the days when I would go to kallang from school, then drop by that stall after rowing.

There was one sunday I rowed from 8am to 7pm, doing lond d sets, mid d sets, sprints, everything over and over to try and get my water sense up asap... and ended up spraining my lungs. Yeah, you can sprain your lungs, and it hurt when I breathed in too deeply... and I almost coughed up each spoon of chicken rice.

Ahhh those were the good old days... some painful, but still good haha.

Felt so re-energized today, despite the serious lack of sleep.

Megaman isn't the same without bryan, and street fighter isn't the same without francois.


Feels good to get into the normal flow of things again, yet weird.

I do miss our little paradise.

Last night after everything was over, it was party time, but the happiness of everything ending was slowly replaced by sadness.

It was weird, having a table of guys, men, sitting at a table with tears in eyes.

It was only 3 weeks, but some of us have became the best of friends. And even those whom we weren't close to, or disliked, had become part of a family.

A family which would be broken apart in a few hours.

And it hurt so much inside, I wanted to tear and cry too, but I couldn't. Like one of those sneezes that keeps evading you. Perhaps I will never be able to let myself cry again, no matter how much I want to.

I am forever cursed to express my sadness only on the piano.

Darren was right, how are we supposed to go on with life all of a sudden as if nothing has happened when in fact our lives have changed.

But we'll do it.

It may be over for now, but the memories will be for a lifetime.

Seperated by thousands and thousands of miles, we'll always have... the internet haha.

It was the experience of a lifetime alright. And as we all watch our family on tv next week all over the world, we're going to feel it all over again.

It takes removal of a variable for you to really appreciate that variable. Just like when I first left singapore.

I can't believe everything is finally back to normal. Running with Nitec, my computer, dota, music, training.

Life goes on, guys.