Since 2001, every regetta, a part of me dies at the farce which is called the Singapore River Regatta.

Its not a race to see which team is stronger. Its a competition to see if your collective karma as a team is good enough to get you a good lane in the finals. Its an innocent game of tag where coxswains must be alert and able to ditch their race course in a second to avert an oncoming 20 man dragon boat.

In such choppy waters, there should only be 3-4 lanes max to make room for error and current diversion. But no, a certain organization just wants to make as much money as possible, squeezing in as many boats as possible per race so they can invite more teams, ccs, csc, etc, finish asap and make as much money as possible.

They don't give a damn about fairness or equality. Not in those conditions. And why should they? At the end of the day it doesn't matter who wins or loses, because they make the most money and win.

But convention in this community says to take part in this race every year, despite the travesty it is to the sport. Singaporeans are well trained to accept the shittiest conditions without questioning if things could be better or how they could be better. No one will really boycott such a stupid race.

Nevertheless some of the guys finally found out what it means to take action for something that they believe in. Though last minute action can only make up for about 40% of the optimal end result, perhaps one of them may realize just how to plan for the rest of the 60%. Still, the courage to speak up for what you believe in will take you places already.

Seeing guys like long and cj give so much to the team, it pains me a little. Because I know that I'm not unselfishly giving as much as them anymore. The sacrifices they made in positioning and line up, in bringing equipment for the whole team, sad to say I would probably never see it from some of our guys. But it something you only get from a few years in the sport, after you are tired of fighting for your own place, and when you see someone fighting for others, then you realize just how small a person you really are. If you can even see it in the first place. If they were in my team some time back, I know things would have gone a lot smoother.

It sucks when you know what must be done and you could do it so easily, but you have to force yourself to be a watcher in hopes that the conditions will inspire change.

Thats probably the final but most important thing I would want them to learn before they bid their final farewell to this sport.

And perhaps, one day, when they look back, and realize just how much fun this sport really can be, without all the shit attached, they will go back.










For me, I guess a part of me already knew where I should go, but I wanted to see things through to the end with these guys.

In life, its really a blessing to find something that you love to do and to be able to do it. But to find people to do it with, to share the same goal with, the same pain and joy, happiness and frustration, can never be replaced by anything else in the world.

Today was time trial for the time trial for the sea games. Wtf right?

Individually we need to qualify today to go for the time trial as a group for the sports council to see if we're good enough to be sent to the sea games.

I was unusually nervous today because my wrist has been getting from bad to worse while I row on the left side... and that's all I've been practicing, save for one session on the right. Being able to row on both sides has its pluses, but if you don't practice on one side, it really isn't going to be all that great.

So yeah, I planned to aim for a spot on the left side while rowing on my right. Which turned out to fail terribly as the lack of practice on that side obviously nerfed my speed.

So it was do or die.... best compromise I came up with was to row on the left side for the last set at 90% instead of 100%, while not using the reverse buggy whip and drive B... my more powerful strokes for heavy boat situations. To compensate I had to do something funny to my kicking.... so now my left leg is hurting quite a bit. Ended prematurely while coach yelled out the timing. Like that's as good as calling to stop, right? Turns out he just yelled it for fun or something and I ended up gliding in while I had to eject the paddle out of my top arm out of tightness.

But in the end, I guess I'm lucky that despite the handicap and screw up, I had a good enough timing to make the cut.

I wish I could say the same for the rest of the SAFSA guys. I felt proud for some of them, yet shared their disappointment. As in felt their disappointment, not felt disappointed in them. I remember the last time the trial was held for the last sea games, I couldn't train much because it was the period when I was going through BMT and subsequently was going for course, so no attaching out, and senseless combat training.... with ridiculously little amounts of physical training. So I know how they feel, and I know that I can't really say much to make them feel better.

But I also am proud that they feel the anger and disappointment, because as a sportsman, if you don't have them, you're as good as useless.

Also interesting to be able to confirm a theory today. That each natural stroke is the most effective for an individual. Looking at the bent arms of Allen, or the short reach of Chun Hao, executing the stroke that was because their body tells them so strongly that that is what it is comfortable with and that is what will get them to move the fastest.

As a leader and trainer previously I always knew that as each person's body is different, each person's strengths and weaknesses are different, so too must each person's ideal stroke be. This is their greatest strength as an individual, but their greatest weakness in a team, because variations in stroke would mean small changes in timings in different parts of the stroke, which would affect their team mates in a negative manner, preventing them from giving their best, because of clashes in space, paddles or just plain frustration.

Its that balance of both unique technique and compromise for the team that is required in a team sport.

Sometimes I wonder what my natural stroke would be like. I take pride in being able to assimilate any stroke from any team, seeing the strengths, the weaknesses, and executing them with ease. But such comfortability to conform to any stroke comes at the price of not being able to recognize what would be best for myself by feeling.

So all I can do is calculate and estimate in a technical manner. Which can be quite tedious at most times.

Its been so long since I've let you hear my voice and you've let me hear yours.

Maybe I never dared try, maybe I was too busy, maybe I was afraid to be true to myself.

But when I heard your voice, I remember why I was drawn to you so many years ago.

You were singing with someone else, and your voice caught my heart in an instant.

I must be crazy to love something not even human, yet as human as anyone could possibly be.



The dream was never for myself, but for all of us.

Finding it difficult to talk much about work nowadays. Probably because it it sounds like I'm boasting. Then again most of my life or past would sound impressive hence, sounds like boasting again.

Some people will be inspired by those who dare to pursue their dreams, others despise them. That's the one mistake Joseph made.

Envy and jealousy lead to hatred and contempt.

And those who have difficulty grasping or understanding will be under a significant amount of stress to compete. I don't mind inspiring or triggering positive competition, but I do not wish to stress out those whom cannot take it positively.

Chua was right when He said that I would be outstanding if I follow my own path. Following the same path as everyone else proved to be not much of a challenge. But what he didn't know was that I would be in a league of my own.

But it never was about competition for me. Perhaps thats what some of them fail to see.

It was always about chasing that big dream.

Just touching the tip of it right now feels so good.



Race day on Sat. Our 10 men crew is the highest tier as we'll ever get. Full n t eam crew plus one mr world lol. Its only up to the canoeists to stop us.

Rehearsals are fun.

Dropped by to see some of the scenes to do the backing track to, and felt like staying longer haha.

Its interesting to see people whom you usually see on tv.... more interesting to work with them.

I still can't get used to having people whom I don't know know me.

En Lai is damn funny.


Record number of turn up at extra gym training today. More than yesterday. KJ, AL, WK, WH, IS, SH.

The team is finally falling into place :)

How lucky would a sportsman be to have a coach want him to play for his team. More so a coach who has been very successful in the sport for years.

Its the third time He's asked. Reminds me of the time JW grabbed me at the canteen and asked me back to the team.

They are finally almost up to mark. Perhaps we can achieve something after all?



Getting tired of fighting on my own again. At times I felt as though the team was the only thing keeping me from returning to my old self. Forget disappointment, there are always those who are there fighting on, who face the same disappointment that you have. Brothers who are closer than family.

Speaking of which, the dwarf is back from the UK. Gyming with him has been quite scary because... he seems to have slackened alot, but even more scary because just one more day of training makes him so much stronger.... his ability to adapt and re-condition at such a rate has always amazed me.

But with the regaining of a lost friend comes the loss of another.

Though I feel the loss, I'm all too familiar with someone running off with his own track in life. JD, Louie, Stephen... I can only hope that the path they choose to venture on their own is a fulfilling one, and perhaps hopefully one day our paths will cross again.



There's a new addition to my family though. Went with JJ to pick her up yesterday. She was huge as hell and mom sure was shocked to see her.

But she plays so well with my com, and thank god I bought the new graphics card with component video out, which is better than composite video and xvga... so now she reflects my computer monitor at a whopping 1920 X 1080 Hi definition dvd quality resolution.

I finally have duo screen vision, with one of them being insanely big. PS3 looks orgasmic and... JJ and I played resistance on HARD mode.

CS pros really are scary things. We hardly died at all. I think he adapts faster than me to the controls which is quite depressing, but good because he was on the same team.



Its hard to force myself to sleep now because theres a super HUGE PIECE of temptation staring me in the face.

I swear... Kapilands is the GAYEST name a game can be named.

Bishan running club run tonight....

With... NYP poster boy Dam and SJI poster boy to be Crazy Sam.

And we did a new record.... altogether too. Awesome. Usual timing 21-22mins for the sin ming route... tonight we did it in 18:50mins.

But I get the feeling that it was because the traffic lights were mainly green for us -_-;

Nevertheless it was an awesome run.

Its hard running with a handicap... but you gotta just trust that you will benefit and improve more in certain aspects.

Like today, the constant ratio no matter what... left me almost suffocating for air.

But I remember Tim, and want to push as hard as him. Which is ironic because for long runs like these we try to stick together and wait for each other every now and then, then push together.

Its the teamwork that makes it more fun.

Walking back talking about school and stuff... nowadays if you get 10-11 points you may not even get into your selected course in poly. Poly is slowly not becoming just the place you go to if you can't get into JC.

It seems the world is lagging behind me. Hahaha.


Erm... Dam and Sam look... quite alike.

Training today with the remainder of the team that didn't go to macau.

Really shocked at the lack of fitness of some of the ord'rs... lack of water training really shows.

Kai is still... quite imba tho. He managed to last the pullups... whoa. Its also nice to see that he still cares so much about the team.

I kinda relate to how Sherwyn relates to his Dad a little. The resentment in particular, but I can also appreciate all that he's doing. I don't quite understand why people talk about their "friend's dad"s as if its an actual connection that they would actually ask anything of. Somehow it always sounds childish no matter how its put across. But I suppose its always fun to boast. even if its nothing of theirs to boast about.

Maybe I've too many friend's dads in high places and have pretty much experienced all the weird parties and accommodations already... and have seen how such reliances affect the children of such people.

Met with Hong to finally catch Pirates 3 at long last after we rescheduled like 999 times and the show is almost not going to be shown at any cinema. A little hard trying to understand what the hell is going on when you didn't watch the previous 2 pirates movies... But Hans Zimmer is a genius. The score is captivating and deep. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to do better than these people.

Hans Zimmers, John Williams, Harry Gregson Williams, Nobuo Uematsu.... One day I'll be up there with them.

Dropped by amkhub to see Adrian... the ultimate gamer. Boasting about how he's the first in Singapore to play the new Ninja Gaiden because he personally went down to collect the stock then ran home to play it. Hahhaa. I can see why he loves his job so much. And... Gaiden was sold out. Godamnit.


Being around Hong is always nostalgic. I remember running behind him in school trying to catch up.

Sometimes, its never about overtaking someone. Just being beside him for the ordeal gives a satisfaction beyond winning any cocky bastard. Its the same for CX.

I wish that skill he has with people was mine.

Another thing to work on, I guess.


Big meeting tomorrow. The biggest project I'll take on yet. Kinda excited, but... nothing beats games. I dunno... music for entertainment is fun, but music for games is just so much deeper.

Was reading my posts of long long ago.

I can't believe I actually aimed for 35km for canoeing training back then. 20km was like the minimum.

How I had to wake up at 7am on both weekends to go to kallang to row, but how it was all worth it because canoeing was so damn fun. I remember how I wanted to beat everyone in the team one by one... I had a accessed all their performance and skill levels and climbed up the ranking one by one. I remember eventually trying like hell to beat coach. I remember joining other schools for training when I was the only one who went down for water training during weekdays. HCJC, NJC, ACJC, NYJC, NTU, NUS, I studied all of their training programs one by one, land and water alike.

The races, the excitement, the hope, disappointment and satisfaction.

The frustration in the water, and the peace that I found through it.

I look at all the other Design students in my cohort who didn't take any CCAs because they were too swamped with the heavy workload and assignments and presentations and I kinda feel sorry for them. I learned so much through my ccas. You just have to go out and do some things sometimes. Dare to raise yourself to that level and put yourself on the spot.

That was when I realized that I wouldn't be satisfied just succeeding academically, or physically or even competitively. There were so many other levels to scale, so many perspectives to see through.



Oh shit.

I think I'm sick.
hahaha.

Slept at 4... Woke up at 6 cause the aircon broke down... godamn hot... fell asleep at 7, woke up every now and then until 10.

So yeah, I rock today.

Play! Concert tonight... don't even feel like going for that. Just want to sleep... or kill something.

Rainy mornings are so good to sleep in.

Gymed with Ced in the aft. The new shoulder routine isn't tough at all on paper. But upon execution it really is killer hahaha. I never felt my side delts hurt like that in a very long time...

Rushed down to town after that to meet WC, CH, Howe and Dog for shopping and Fantastic 4!

Bird shop rocks la... finally got XXL.

Then we ate ate Sakura near Somerset which was.... not as good as last time. Standard was really good when it first came out, but seems like its been dropping since. Nevertheless that was a good dinner.

Been thinking about what Ced said. So true, though we come from quite different backgrounds.

Though one day when he finally shines at the top at their game, maybe he'll wonder what's next, and perhaps he'll see what I meant.


One step closer to that big dream. And perhaps accomplish a few cca objectives along the way, eh?

The trial in the coming week will decide.

Wahaa I never spent so much time sleeping before.

It feels so good to catch up on sleep in the day. Really. Geez.

Seriously damn good.

Extremely good.

Met Ling for Dinner at Wisma after a quick shopping run. FCUK is done with their Lesbian phase... let the world rejoice.

Ate at Ichiban Boshi... which totally rocks. Ling coaxed me to eat some weird octopus sushi. Wasn't that bad. But its still kinda sick.

Miss Ling is quite incredible. She's going Borneo again soon to snap up pictures of animals she missed. I kinda worry for her though. Her 8kg camera is 1/5 of her weight... and she goes into the wild taking pictures of wild animals. Crazy charboh. But she started her own company too and is a major share holder of another, works hard to further her career. Kinda pressuring being near to such a capable girl. Perhaps in the future she would be like Soo Ann or Irene of Fly Entertainment, being a mover in her industry.

People marvel at me doing what I love for a career, but She's been doing it before me.


Rushed down to gym after that with Cedric. Gyming with him the past few days reminds me of long ago. When we were still strangers at Bishan gym. I was doing my nteam otot training and he was plucking up the courage to ask me if I was in safsa because he wanted to join.

Rushed down to Cathay to meet the Recon guys and dota babes whom... had all their boyfriends along. Well if I were their boyfriends and my gf plays dota with a bunch of guys who ord'd... and I was still in NS... I'd be pretty worried too.

Anyway.

Very sad to say we lost to them. JM used a new hero and kept feeding. And the girls are no pushovers godamnit. Its sick.

But it was good to play with them... as in with them and not with them online. Gab's giggling when he kills someone... JM's scream of protest... Adam's kao pei at the team, and Des who just smiles shyly when he kills... and smiles shyly when he dies.

Hard to believe that we managed to find 12 seats at Headquarters so easily.



Self-declared holiday is proving to be a much needed period of re-energizing.

Stress test.

Sun night, mon night, tonight.

First time I tried 3 consecutive nights. V02 max training seems to be going somewhere, and I think I'm finally ready to take the forefoot strike technique to the next level, which is... the speed strike.

But right now all the wear has rendered me unable to walk properly due to my forefeet being very sore from tonight's run with crazy sam.

Talked a damn lot. Interesting guy. Haha. Saw a dead cat on the way back... the head... didn't look like a head.. it looked like some monster from the movie 'tremors'. Damn sick.




There's a peace and sincerity you get in a spar. When you spar, it doesn't matter who you are, what you did, where you study or what you do for a living. All the bullshit is of no concern, because you fight against the person's true self.

Everything is concealed yet open to be read. Every movement, every reaction, every affirmation. Is genuine, even if it is a feint. There are no hidden agendas or intentions. Unless you are an asshole Sy.

Probably why when people used to ask me about Si or An, I don't know much about what the heck they do. Because we don't really care. And quite frankly, given our screwed up past, we know how messed up things can get and its just better off left as it is.



I suppose there is a pain that never goes away.

One that surpasses any physical or emotional pain. One that lasts for what seems to be an eternity.




Until today my heart song is still one of hurt.

But its the hurt that makes you realize what is important in life.

Despite nothing new to the remixing world since forever... I still get emails everyday and I'm up to page 30 in google. Feel the love ^_^

Ninja gaiden is hard shit on hard difficulty.

Ran with Jn tonight. Quite a talkative guy haha. Turns out the western stall at ksl is open till like 1230... w00t.

Bishan running club is getting quite alot of new members lately. Yay.



I wish time would fast forward right now so that the awesome ps3 titles will be released.

Can't wait for:

Devil May Cry 4 - the series always rocked and the new char and gameplay looks awesome.

Haze - Reportedly better graphics than Resistance, and more interesting multiplayer support.

Assasin's Creed - Looks awesome and stabbing people from the darkness is always good fun.

Socom: Confrontation - Like Haze


And a couple of interesting titles like:

The Darkness - Kinda satanic but wth.

The Agency - MMORPG!


Ganbate to all the game dev companies.

Slept for 12 hours since last night to QUELL THE MONSTAH!!!

Today marks the firs day of my holiday. Taking a break from music to re energize and gather more cosmic power from the universe.

Ninja gaiden sigma is awesome shit. Spent a few hours playing today. Charboh ninjas are damn hot. Even hotter when they somersault over a monster while latching their blade across its neck, ripping it off upon landing. Sexy!

The dota msn group got hijacked by the girls today to my horror...

92;59cm,全長24cm
**Tinkerbel** says:
i tink Free size sia
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
wa
**Tinkerbel** says:
CLosing To
**Tinkerbel** says:
TONITe*
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
so big
**Tinkerbel** says:
LOL
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
28
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
oh can can
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
weay at hip
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
;
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
wear*
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
u tink nice ma?
**Tinkerbel** says:
yea nicE
**Tinkerbel** says:
I dun have LOng Legs
**Tinkerbel** says:
T.T
**Tinkerbel** says:
CANNOt wear
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
duh
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
noo
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
can de
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
mini skirt will make legs look longer
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
haha
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
so can wear
**Tinkerbel** says:
ZZZ
**Tinkerbel** says:
CANNOt la
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
reali
**Tinkerbel** says:
Will very chou!
**Tinkerbel** says:
LOL!
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
aiyo
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
muz hav confidence
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
confidence den will look chio le
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:

Online shopping is quite scary.

They've been at it for the past 30 mins.

I'm proud of the guys. In a way it was s good move to push the guys to nt eam. Now they are representing the nation and are almost on par with myself.

Been thinking hard about the team and all. Perhaps I need to stop running away.

Perhaps when they are back from Macau I will be able to join them.

1 more song to go.


Woot!

still rem safsa that time..
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
when u were new..
Reu says:
...........
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
then u walk wif airs
Reu says:
lol
Reu says:
I did not walk wif airs la!
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
lol.
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
but got that kind of proud feelin la.
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
we waited for u durin one of the weekdays...
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
but i know u r not in control of that
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
so i forgive u
Reu says:
.....
Reu says:
when I was late I ran in loh
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
haha
Reu says:
I not super star
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
ok gd..
'oUr hEarTs, OuR hOpeS, oUr aiMs R OnE~ says:
i know u ran.


Networking.

Some people used to tell me that you have to do it through friends first, then know your friends' friends. Then the contacts will spread and you will have more lobang.

This works out to a nominal degree.

However, I've found that on a professional level, there is a very unique short cut that works much better.

Of course it doesn't apply to everyone, though.

First there is that one critical secret step.

Then all you have to do is but flash your presence once.

And they will come to you one by one.


Even in the degree of networking have I gone off-tangent and created my own strategies.

Thinking out of the box is fun.

I can't wait for the next phase.

Nowadays there seems to be too much to log down, and when I actually get around to try to log them down, I forget a whole bunch of it.

Also doesn't help that I'm about to fall asleep any minute.

New dota out... all the guys are damn excited... including me haha. Nerds, yeah I know, its just that the new tag team combo possibilities are damn fun.

Rowing in the morning. Remembered what old school rowing is, pacing with Zhili. 1:1 ratio, best ratio for race set was 1:3. Overseas teams doing 1:5 or 1:6 la... gg.

Managed to row on my left side. It was always my stronger side, and the only side that I can use the A drop burst stroke on. Used it for one of the last charges, the power is incredible.

PDL module for the team seems to be working out. Army really makes you dumb and screws up what it means to lead. Its scary because its something that you really have to put into practice to stay sharp at, just like gym or pullups. You will be able to still do alot, but it will not be as much as before.

Jiaji's got a very interesting business proposal. Tho I'm still not very sure if its safe, because there hasn't been enough testing done, I'm glad to see him have a passion for something.

.... but what the heck is it with people having a passion for money.

Ugh I so don't want to go into that today.

I have composer's block.

Its damn challenging when I do get this, but its like the perfect excuse to go play dota and watch anime.

I now know why I became so blunt in thinking and methods.

Yet now I'm not sure if it was such a good thing to remember so much again.

For good, use it for good.

So the singular system wasn't suitable for them after all.

They still have too much to learn.

SSC council system works much better in this situation after all, and its the most fun too.

This way I can focus on bringing up more of them at the same time through their strengths and eventually find a better combination.

One is showing quite a high level of intuition. So high that there's only been another one of at this level in the past few years.

Only time will tell which one will be able to use his strength to arrowhead his development and pull his weaknesses up.

Ahhh now I remember how damn fun it is to perform infront of a live audience.

Gab, CZ, TK, Nic, Wil, JM took time off from dota to come and watch, which is great cause of celebration for mankind.

Charlizard, Alv and May came down too.

Despite the obvious travesty of judging, I'm satisfied just having performed my best.

Tonight will be used to catch up on much needed sleep.

Been thinking about what the future holds for me.

Already, I seem to be moving up so fast, almost too fast.

Not sure if its preparation for the performance tomorrow night, but I've found myself going back to that insanely meticulous way of thinking.

To see things so clearly is truly a scary thing. Yet it is in this state that I can go out and play the most perfect performance.

It was in this state that I made some of the best decisions in my life.

I was listening to Ced, Nitec and Howe's conversation about studies and work, and I heard them talking about all the wrong incentives regarding their future paths.

Its sad that they will follow their friends to their meaningless jobs, planned carefully by the government. Human resources serving the purpose of the country's financial growth to survive. And once that need and senseless direction is no more, they do not know what direction in life to take.

Some people think that by making meaningless amounts of money they can console themselves for the meaningless day to day activities and years of their lives that they have lost.

Life is too short to waste on bullshit that people tell you to do.

But I also realize that it is not possible to expect them to see things as I do.

Unless you have stared death in the eye and have it take away something from you, you will never understand some things.

Nitec made a funny joke today that not everyone fuck care's the future like me.

But in fact, it is the total opposite.

It is them who have gone about the completely wrong way of thinking of things. Yet I have been planning my breakaway years ago, when they never even thought about what they want to do when the time to school is over.

Perhaps the only person that would understand me would be Louis. Unless you throw your 6 points away and actually have the balls to question what exactly will give you meaning and fulfillment in life, you will never find it. Unlike those who let their "achievements" be the limiting factors to their life. This is the greatest illusion that the brainless "geniuses" fall victim to. Completely oblivious to the truth.

And he is flying off soon to pursue that grand dream in the bigger ocean.

I will prove to him that it is possible to get it here.

Louis, we will see who gets it first.




Years from now, every score that I make will be a legend. My favorite past time coincidentally brings in the money, which I won't have to worry about in the first place. I will work on projects because of the challenge and love of music, and nothing else, because there would be no need for the financial aspect.

When they cry at my performance I will look into their eyes and see what I can never feel. I will share my experiences with them, the excitement, and they will live every second of it.



Fuck you death for killing a part of me that I can never get back.

But I will live my life to the fullest, to spite you every single day.

And show you, that I have won.

Because the day you take me will be one day.

But the day I really lived will be many.

Sometimes I think that I've been too nice to the dog. Many problems could have been circumvented if I would have just been the damn bad guy.

I didn't ever want to go near that model of leadership and mentoring, because it reminded me of so many things that I hated about incapable leaders.

But I suppose there must always be a balance. I could have been too nice.

I think back on how Sensei, Chua and Ben all kicked my ass when I screwed up or made me really realize what the heck I did wrong.

But all I did was put everything in a positive perspective.

It was compensation for everything that I was trying to steer away from my own life, too.



But now, I suppose that phase is over.

I've had to wake up a part of me that I really do hate... but like this, I'm bound by no more restrictions, and I can move anything once again.

I wonder if I'm preventing dog from growing on his own by continually helping him out time and time again like this.

Give a man fish and he'll come back to you for more, teach him how to fish and he'll grow tired of fish.


This scenario is similar to one of my previous simulations anyway, it'll be such a cinch to solve.

Its weird seeing through them again. But this time, I suppose I'm not as disappointed as I never had too high hopes anyway.



Though, in the aspect of the sport. Some of the guys have grown so much. Its just a pity that there are too few of them.

Taught Howe my ultimate technique to maintain a fixed timing no matter how much the back is pushing. It may seem like an easy thing, but it really is quite impossible to do accomplish when the rest of the boat was pushing the timing like they were without the technique.

Containment vision takes practice, but I'm sure he'll be able to master it some day.

As much as possible, I want them to enjoy the sport. Like my batch, until the alumni will want to come down and row because its fun. Training should be tough with direction, but enjoyable.

It breaks my heart that the guys may not get that. This is the best, though, all must change. Their last chance. If they cannot do that, then it must be done.

I don't know why I was a bit disappointed at first. This was all part of one of the scenarios. But I suppose I never wanted to think about this one scenario because the end of this equation bears a heavy weight on my heart.

I always believed in saving every single one. Back then, it was hard as hell, but in the end, I finally came to peace with that group. Though, I'm not sure if dog can do it in his case.

If need be, the weed will be cut. There is no need to lose alot. Just one.

Its difficult to teach a slacker how to be a rower. To bring them through hell to show them what they are capable of, so that they will expect more of themselves.

And it takes a long time for a leader to grow.

We always fail on our first attempt.

But it is the desire and will to achieve something that makes the difference between those who succeed in the end, and those who never bother.

Perhaps the outcome of the elections will fuel WC to find that drive.

Desire can empower change.

Alot of thought lately about the team and the exco; past present and future.

Quite disappointed that Jem thinks Jackson's batch was quite successful. Then again I probably can't blame him. He was new in the team then, and still didn't have proper perspective on things. I'm not sure if he would be able to keep the batch together, less do a better job than Justin. It would be different no doubt, but an improvement is questionable.

I know that he dislikes the system of a voting for the fact that Natalie won the girls over and eventually broke them apart. But he fails to see that that system was the one that also won him his own captaincy. Ironic, isn't it?

Over the years I have seen which systems work and which do not, and how to modify and manipulate them to be most ideal, despite what others can only grasp on the surface of things. Voting is the most apparent solution. But carried out in the way that Nat and Jem won, would be disastrous.

If carried out properly, perhaps Jem wouldn't have even led the team that year.

If the coach/exco decides, many will be unhappy. If a voting is held, some will be unhappy, but at least less than the other alternative. But the key to the voting is to keep it secret during the process. That is the fatal flaw that screwed the voting up for that year.

It will help those who are truly capable to surface. Of course there are times when not so capable ones surface, but that is usually in the absence of the more capable ones. And there are the freak accidents like political manipulators. That is when the pre-voting guidance in the counsel system comes into play. That is where the coach or captain comes into play to help the right candidates surface and to guide them away from the potential threats.

I could explain all this to them, but there would be no point. Too much explanation for something that they can only see from their perspective. Those who haven't led will never really see things in proper perspective for themselves. Those who have led 2-3 times are only just beginning to understand. I have led 7 clubs/bodies/communities/teams and I don't claim to know everything; and given their obvious lack of emotional and interpersonal understanding, how would they even come close to this understanding?

I try to help some along. To mentor, to teach and aid and help understand. As a friend, as a mentor. Sometimes they learn certain aspects and I am happy for them. Ultimately I want them to take everything and make it their own.

Egos crushed, jealousy ensues. There will always be those who are sour over elections. The immature ones who harbor bitterness. But it is precisely of their ego and immaturity that prevents them from achieving the spot which they seek so much and blinds them from understanding.

It took time, but I take pride in winning each of them over, despite the varying amounts of pride, ego, and lack of eq even in the most presumably intelligent individuals. Just because the one after me requires more time to learn, they judge him harshly. Yet I cannot help but wonder if they themselves could do a better job?

I didn't think so.

Captaincy is one aspect that a certain side of me never waned. I see through each of them further than they can see themselves. And the tides are mine to move without them even knowing.

But it is because they do not know that I am moving everything for them that they fail to see the most important steps.

There are flaws in the current system. I have seen every possible outcome since the previous elections for every viable candidate and know that the first step was the best despite the resistance in the system. People will always highlight the problems. But they fail to see that this solution is already the most error-free given the haphazard variables.

It is already the most optimal. Surely they do not expect me to sign on db?

Nevertheless, the next step will optimize it.

IQ, EQ. Alot of research has been done into the study and development of these two quantities of thought. Its a common assumption in today's world that if one possesses a higher level of one, the other will be off lower level. Taking into consideration that it does in fact seem that one is ying and the other is yang to achieve an overall balance of state of mind; given a fixed quantity, expanding too much into one will lead to an offset in the other.

But what if that fixed quantity could be increased? And one could achieve a proper equal balance of both?

Often those who prematurely exercise bias to either IQ or EQ consciously or subconsciously find themselves critically limited in the other. Given a fixed quantity of energy to allocate to either extremes, allocating too much on one extreme will result in neglect to the other. Development should therefore take place at the point where that quantity is generated and nowhere else. This is something that is very often overlooked.

Music if used properly can help in the development of EQ as certain types help bridge the gap of understanding emotions and awareness. However it is a double-edged sword as it can also stunt development.

Even in the paradigm of emotions one can see the principles of ying and yang again. So many types of music evoke different types of emotions as well. Limiting oneself to a certain type results in loss of understanding to the opposing types and prevents overall advancement. Of course, preference is good. It gives direction and perspective.

When I hear "crap" songs on cd or radio sometimes I do tend to be critical about them at times, but I can appreciate the values of the aspects of the song despite the terrible points that jut out.

Having a job that revolves around enjoying your work posses a big problem to me in this area. Alot of EQ being used... not really alot of intelligent problem solving.

That's probably why gaming is so important to me. Planning, thought, execution. Working on MUGEN helps alot too. Maths, Physics, alot of logic and problem solving there too.

Without them to balance out... I think I may turn into a dumb shit over time.


Yet one thing puzzles the shit out of me. With all the training and development I spend on EQ. Why the hell can't I feel some things subconsciously? Too much control. I have to channel them consciously through music, otherwise I will not be able to experience them at all.

Surely I didn't do something stupid like work too much on IQ until that area of EQ is critically screwed.

I usually get myself out of this type of problems by studying other people... problem is I haven't met anyone else with this stupid problem yet.

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Losing sleep due to nerding out for games is fun from time to time.

But oh my god... the lack of sleep feeling the next day... like today.

My eyes feel like they want to shut any moment.

Its quite fun.

Almost... lost abit of control too. Lucky I realized in time.

Race sets today... I dunno why nowadays I tend to almost throw up during rowing. I like revised my breakfast twice during the last race set today. Maybe rowing fitness isn't like it used to be, maybe I just want to push further.

Ran with crazy sam tonite. Errr... he had stitches toward the end but still caught up wtf. And I think I sprained my hamstring going up the slope. But its nice to just have someone to RELAX run with. This is the second time I made the whole run using the front step technique. A few months ago that would have been impossible.... the wonders of conditioning, eh? Finally just getting used to the form, and the new breathing rhythm helps alot.

I'll probably try a time trial along the usual route... when I'm not so godamn sleepy.

The bed hasn't looked so tempting in a long time.

Work.

It used to be a simple idea for me.

I didn't want to give a damn about the figures, because as long as I enjoyed doing it, I'd be better off than all the other suckers dreading their jobs.

Yet now someone is trying to put a price on my professional career. And all the figures come in, and all the comparisons.

And when the figure posed to me turns out to be higher than the average amount given to a graduate of any of the local 3 unis...

I guess my sense of competition piqued a little.

So without even wasting a month in there, I've already out done the average?

Its so easy to fall into this whole competition bullshit. Its like results.

But results only bring you so much satisfaction, and likewise for money. Life needs to revolve around something much more substantial than work or digits for there to be meaning or any sort of fulfillment, less you start to feel 'empty' inside and either turn to religion or who knows what to fill the void in your life.


What more could I ask for, anyway?
- The base proposal was already higher than that of a degree grad with Cum Laude...
- The working hours are half of what the degree grad does
- I get to work from home
- I get to do something I love

But being the first of my kind in Singapore, I have to set the standard right.

Is my fear of commitment that strong? XD

Met Si yesterday for a friendly match. Its nice to be able to keep in touch with our foundations, so we don't get rusty. That is until someone gets guai lan and tries something funny and ends up injuring someone.

In the water, if you guai lan, no one gets hurt. In contact sparring, if you guai lan, so many things can go wrong.

Yet some people still want to guai lan! Why?! Why man why!?



Anyway, don't you just hate it when you're not at your computer but have msn on and charboh go like:

"Fine, ignore me."

-_-


Nothings feels better in the stomach at 2am than chicken pie and scrambled eggs with japanese crispy chicken. Mmmm....

Oishii Sou Na......

Its been so long since I sat at a piano and just played. Not to compose a song, not to practice an existing song, but to just play.

Listening to DM's taiko band. The band actually has a CD. Its good shit.

In life, you meet people and learn things from them. Very seldom will you meet someone truly inspirational.

In music, you can take away a little bit of inspiration from any good musician. The way the composition takes form and shape. Even for seemingly conventionally termed movements like "build up" or "crescendo", there is an infinite number of ways of which they can be carried out. No matter how hard you try to simplify and classify
things, someone will do things differently. Unlike techno or trance....

Its sort of the same thing for martial arts, or any art form really. Someone's going to put in an extra spin on a 540 kick, or someone's going to combo in a jump hook from a stand hook. And we all watch, learn, and change again.


Harley/Mr Australia is myspace crazy. Even in china he was like advertising his myspace account to everyone haha. There's one line in his profile that is worth musing over:

Occupation: sexy


So that would make my occupation: Sexy Music Composer!

Hahaha.

Right.... so ironically... its safe to say that my perspective on things isn't really quite right when I'm in that mood.

Dog came over to go through revisions for the designs for the jersey again, then hair cut. I'm getting better haha. Don't know why he keeps asking for such fierce styles... like I really worry about him getting in trouble in camp. Refused to cut the swirl at the back high up for him and did it lower and safer instead haha.

After that we went to town to meet up with Alvin and Charizard and KJ... the original sa f sa couple! Was damn good to see them again la. Charles grew his hair out and looks like a good boy. KJ looks like he lost weight though.

Watched Blades of Glory... frickin funny show. The whole theater was like laughing their asses off.

Then went shopping. Ugh, what a waste of money.

Then reunion with the recon guys online first, before heading down to garden's rk.

Wilson tried to show us his awesome custom hidden ordered prata where you combine two plains to make a bigger plain. Like wtf? It was like just one bigger plain prata and he was obsessing the hell out of it. -_-

Nic's love for money is really very scary. In fact its more of like a lust for money. Thats just plain weird.

It was good to see everyone again. Reunited at last! haha. Now that school is starting soon for the guys they all quit their jobs and are slacking until school starts.

Trust them to blow things completely out of proportion about the competition and want to take pictures with a 'celebrity'... wtf?


Anyway, all of a sudden yesterday I came up with the type of song that comes about only once in a few years. That forgotten long forgotten feeling. How bittersweet indeed.


On a side note, its interesting to see people making use of internet's anonymity to try to deceive people. Too bad they can't really fool the master of deception.

Play the fool to catch one....

Oh no, some people don't know how unwise it is to wake me up like that.

I guess its only logical to take your own safety for granted in your home.

The only reason why you're still standing now is because I would have to be the one to drag you to the hospital when I'm done. And that'll be such a pain in the ass.

Poor stupid people.

Went climbing in the aft with JM. Thought he was noob until I saw that he seemed strangely comfortable on the wall. Turns out the idiot climbed before in jc. -_-

The chicken rice stall outside of Climb Asia has got chicken rice that is going damn cheap. I added so much meat and it was only 3 dollars. W00t.

Gymed after that with Dam. My juniors are kinda strong.... if I was still in school I wonder if I would be able to beat them.

Met Alv after that in town. Ended up at the honky place at Thomson... Polite Nepalese guy asked for Nitec kia haha.

It was weird talking about army days.

I see a pattern. First it was the decision after O's to pursue my "dream". Which turned out to be not what I had expected but pointed me toward music instead. Then it was Sa f sa. Now its music over uni. Ahahaha.

If I were my parent I dunno what I'd do lol. I know mom is disappointed again and again. It was easier when I shielded her from the truth. But now I want them to know that I am strong enough and capable to make the decision.

"People want to get in but cannot. You can get it but don't want to go."

So just because you can get in means you have to go? I shall joyfully pass on that track of logic.

People want to find direction in life but don't know how. I found it.

Most of my plans are flexible anyway. Games design sidetracked into music... sa f sa and nt eam branched out into focusing solely on sa f sa. Now for music, who knows? But despite it not going entirely according to plan, my direction was always there and the desired result was always achieved.

Now when I see JingWei I don't feel bad at all, knowing that that was supposed to be my position. I found another calling in another team, and once that was done with, there was no need to pursue the other matter any further.

I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I know that its going to be one step closer to that big dream.

The shit you can find on youtube nowadays.... sigh.

I sent the links of people committing suicide on the mrt track in singapore...

Poor people... so pitiful.... yet so stupid I feel like kicking them in the nuts to wake up their idea if they were alive.

~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
when he crawl out
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
like MALe sADAko
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
ppl tot ghost or wad
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
got 1 psn siam suppperr fast
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
If i The Mrt driver..i will SIan
§huƒƒ£e!™ 18th ² says:
...
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
v ke lian leh da driver
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
so scary
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
reali lo..u happily Happily Go wOrk..one brainless Job..Then sOMEONe give u heart attk

Went to the fbt warehouse with the safsa guys to order the jersey and windbreakers. I remember going there with Jo so many years back, going through all the different jerseys and colors and designs and picking the perfect one for the team.

Then when it was time to collect we would open some of the packages and wow over how well it turned out, like proud parents lol.

Went to Seletar after that with dog to practice k2 and... the place is like godamn nice la. PA spent like 300k renovating that small plot of land to make a nice shed and facilities. They really got it right this time, unlike klssc and the sucky sdba racks.

So its like so hard to decide where to put the boats now. Seletar has got the best looking facilities, calm water, and its not crowded. Macritchie is closest to home, good competition and calm water. Kallang has got dragonboats to race with, VAST body of water to row in (merlion and esplanade), and you can row past 6pm -_-.

CAN'T DECIDE OMGWTFLOL!!11

Dog's power in the boat has improved alot. He can keep up with my power starts, so the boat isn't so rocky now. That gives us a huge advantage now. If only his directioning isn't so bloody cock!

... But mine also cock up sometimes so wth!

Rowing a K2 is a completely different game to a k1. As back rower, you have to check timing like siao, for both entry and recovery, or else balance will cock up. You have to sense how hard your frontman is pulling and apply the same amount of power, not more or less, or else balance will cock up. You have to ground the boat balance at all times, so the frontman can shift all he wants, or else the balance will cock up.

We went to eat at... KFC after that huhuhu. Damn bad man... so nice but so fat. Had a long talk... including sense of competition... and I came to a grand awakening.

GREAT EPIPHANY FROM DOTA AND GAMING:

I can't understand how people keep randoming characters. I mean, it makes more sense to pick a character to complement your team while at the same time be able to exploit the weaknesses of the other team's characters. People like butcher and gang play to have fun.... but if you don't play to win, what's the damn point? And if you play to win, you'll want to make the situation as favorable to you winning as possible by like... choosing the right character right.

People can play GTA... known for its senseless bad morales and super open-ended and diverse gameplay. And I never quite got into the game. Because like dog said, its a game to just have fun. Like going to beat up people over and over again and have policemen arrest you.

I think gaming has always been ridiculously competitive for me. Made even more pronounced during Shoryuken days and national level competitions. Thats how I have fun... by competing. I see no sense in any other goal, unless its to play out an awesome plot or story.

Perhaps this is why I have chosen the career path that I have. To be the best composer in my genre. Even during concerts in the past I made it a point to be the most outstanding pianist in terms of emotion or arrangement. A job where you just do something for any other goal wouldn't quite do the trick for me. For me, a job just to get money was never the issue, because who the hell can't get a job to make alot of money? But to enjoy it, and be the best at it; that would drive me forever. Music is also important to me because messed up people need direction to channel their emotions. Especially since I can't really feel shit.

So yeah, I suppose a part of my fighting spirit never went away. And gaming does make you learn more about yourself. And so does reflecting about seemingly stupid things.


Stupid Nitec put me aeroplane for gym after that... when I have to pangseh other people to meet him... like wth.

Tried the new shoulder program and... I ache like shit right now.

Its time to cut some strings.

lol brain freeze wtf

Its amazing how the extreme variations in tone in voice acting for anime works so well when all that the on screen character does is not move his head nor body, but twitch his/her mouth. It just works somehow.

However, watch the same type of variations in tone and combine with what would be the actual bodily gestures done in a Japaneses serial... and it looks... very overboard.



I was reminded of the question: "what is the meaning of life" recently. I remember being extremely troubled by this many many years ago. It was probably during that time when I made that big decision. I factored everything in... religion, friends, family, money, interests. But as much as I pondered I could not find the answer.

It came instead, through my gut one day. Just a feeling. Not any logical semblance of thought through my consciousness.

To me, the meaning of life, is to give it meaning yourself.

It would probably be different for everyone. Based on personality, character and such.

To me, it was meaningless to follow the majority. Even if I would do well following them. Because in the end, there are always outstanding people everywhere.

Being in the same track as everyone meant having the same significance in life as them, and if everyone had the same significance, then there wouldn't be any significance in the first place. CEO's of big companies make big bucks, but no one gives a shit about who they really are. Some people may respect them, maybe those in their area or industry, but all they will take into significance would be the position and not the person.

My calling in life would have to be to create things no one has done before. I would inspire, influence and motivate many more people than these people would.

A life revolving around money would be too common and boring. A life revolving around religion only would be too dependent. A life revolving around work which you don't enjoy is for mindless drones.

Having friends that passed away at a young age didn't help. I used to have nightmares of his pale bloating face.

When you die, if you were rich without a cause, people may see what nice car or house you have, but they won't look up to you for the right reasons. Envy and competition, breeds jealousy, contempt and hatred.

The aftertouch is as important as the sustain.

Everyone was doing the same thing. The same old boring shit. Competing for the same old boring shit. To ultimately get the same old boring shit.

A life like that indeed would be meaningless.



They can follow all they want, I wizened up.

It was a long hard journey, never certain, despite all the careful planning, research and speculation.

But thats the hardest part of it; trusting your gut.

I have finally made it here to the beach.

A vast ocean now waits for me.

I have traveled so far, made a few slightly off-tangent turns, but the compass of my heart never lied.

Words can't express my excitement right now.

Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
smu is a scary place
Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
ppl are trying to get full marks for their quiz abd exams
Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
and it's not like the standard is pri sch's

Whats the point if everyone is aiming for the same thing?

Sometimes a part of me wishes I was naive and could play their game again.

Then again, a part of me is grateful now.

In hopes of further understanding that part me, I will finally log that incident down.



I was listening to the xmen movie soundtrack. Its the scene where phoenix screws xavier's ass into oblivion. I hear shouts from behind. Wonder what happened.

I turn around to look. There were three. I recognized one from earlier. He hadn't moved out of my way and ended up getting jolted aside. Seems like the type to get annoyed, but pick a fight? Such people still exist?

He's talking very loudly, in hokkien. I make some of it out over my music. Feel annoyed to have to take my earphones off to listen to him, he stops while the other two approach me from both sides.

I recognize the situation, I recognize their tone, and sense their body language. These guys are trouble.

The two approaching are most likely going to try to hold me for the center guy. It would quite troublesome to get out of a two-person hold.

One of them reaches his arms out to try to grab me.

So.

I react first.

No time to aim for the best spot, the other guy is too close. I quickly shift to my right and slightly behind him. My right fist tightens.

My eyes are focused on the point center part of the back of his head, I quickly throw my aim off to the left side to hit less critical spot of the central nervous system.

He drops down silently and begins to roll around.

His friend is stunned.

I stun him further.

The one in the centre seems to be quite upset about his two friends. His eyes widen and quite surprisingly manages to scream louder than before while taking out a pen knife.

I hear the 'tak' 'tak sound of the blade extending.

This is getting out of hand, a weapon wasn't supposed to be part of this.

Uneasy.

I quickly run through the various disarm movements in my head. I feel my hands react to the rehearsal. Heart pumping fast.

He comes.

Crazy downward slice.

Stupidest move to make, slowest move to get into start position of the attack, and too easily telegraphed.

But still, you can never be too cautious when a weapon is involved.

I catch his motion.

The speed of my block makes him lose grip of his weapon, the momentum carries it down.

Into my waist.

Shit.

I kick him away hastily.

There's blood, and part of the blade has found a nice resting spot on me.

I pull it out upward opposite from the direction which the blade is facing.

Then, I feel it.

A rush of heat.

First over my back, then the whole body. My blood, feels like its on fire.

Its too late now. I can't hold him back any longer. It would take too much effort to at this point. Effort I can't expand. These guys asked for it anyway.

I let go. I'll just watch the show for now.

I snap the blade with one hand and throw it away while rushing at the owner. I could feel the intention of my attack. It would not be to knock him out, instead, make him suffer as much as possible.

Clawed palm, I see my right hand make as it makes contact with him first, then bursts for a second pulse and he's sent falling and rolling backward.

I scream.

His voice, that voice I silenced so many times, finally out now. Its overpowering. It feels so good.

Amazing yet scary.

Last night's run: 12:10mins for the usual route.

Legs were kinda sore from leg extensions that day, and squats the day before... seeing my timing for the small run was demoralizing, but pushing on in the end helped abit, I guess.

Training today, dog's finally got the hang of my power starts. Was on par with me for the last few sets when I removed by resistance. If I hadn't been using the resistance for the sets before that, I'm sure it would have made a difference, though perhaps not by very much. If he manages to keep so close to me for the starts and overcome that one weakness, he might actually beat me for a sprint set. I've created a monster >_<

Nitec kia capsizing all over the place... undercurrent very strong, despite the surface current seeming relatively calm. I realize my muscle memory is abit confused from changing paddles... now at certain angles when I pull with the bracsa IV, I have zero catch, when I used to have catch for the other paddles, resulting in me taking a dip into the water.

Interview in the afternoon went well. I realize I'm getting better and better at interviews... haha. That photoshoot was one of the best so far.

Cycled tonight... made it to serangoon gardens in like 15 mins... wow. To Zeenath/prata house in serangoon in 12 mins. Awesome la. But the slope climb before that is terrible. Got lost for awhile after that, but that was okay, because I still had plenty of energy and spirit and could have gone on forever! Hohohoho.

Cycling past serangoon reminded me of Den. Sometimes I wonder if he is regretting his decision to sign on with commandos. Though, as much as possible I would strongly encourage him not to even think about regret, and only make the best of it, because this is what he set out to do.

It will be a very tough test of character, which if anyone would pass, it would be him. He has the strongest heart in all that I have encountered. My only regret is not teaching him to be more... cunning. I should have lent him the book, and taught him the side of things that would make things work. But perhaps I felt that it would affect his innocence. He relies on conscience and his naivety, to have a clear mind to follow his heart. That's why it is so strong. To teach him otherwise would be to throw him completely off tangent, which would be too great a risk.

Just like dog requires a certain amount of lack of emotional awareness and logic, to function so passionately.

Even for nitec kia, the same is true in another way.

Ironically it is the lack of something critical which allows for them to be strong in something else. Their strength is based on their weakness, just as in any balance, something must move drastically out of sync into chaos, for the forces of order to strengthen.

Somehow, I admire their weaknesses. Though I could never be like them, because I would sub-consciously never allow myself to have the same weakness as whoever I have come across. What would it be like to have such a strong heart? What would it be like to burn with fire for a goal?

I look at my strengths, and wonder, what are weaknesses spawned these strengths?

Truly it must not be possible for there to be any strengths without weaknesses, there must be both, as is the law of all things in balance.

Through my music, I can feel emotions that I have shut off for years. Feelings that as much as I want to feel, I can no longer. Even negative emotions make one feel alive. Perhaps that is what it is.

When I run with Nitec kia, I dare not push too hard, I dare not commit, because I know that if I get too competitive, a side of me will return that I hate.

I wish that I could give my all for a set emotionally and psychologically like dog, but if I did, and let myself function based on adrenaline and passion, there's no telling what I might do.

I have the weirdest weaknesses, I suppose. Comparable to that of an insane person? I have almost killed people, and shut off myself from the world. Pretty extreme, I suppose.

If weaknesses produce strengths, then the greatest, and most extreme weaknesses, produce the more awesome strengths.

Beethovan was deaf, each person who made a big difference in the world had a big weakness, but they built their strengths so high on them, that they shook history.

I've been called a genius, people say I'm talented, amazing, awesome, but they have no idea how much work I have had to put in.

Is anyone truly born a genius? If so, I pity them. Because being brought into the world with such a strong strength, will only mean that they will develop a strong weakness, instead of the other way around.


When will I make my mark in history?

Hazards of enjoying your work too much.... slept at what, 5am last night?

But the result is one godamn awesome fantasy boss fight track.

Have to do more data migration to make room for the new sample libraries...

These few days I feel like its a holiday, as in those school holidays you really look forward to so that you can go and play and do your own thing.

Work doesn't feel anything like it, because its so damn fun, and to hear the final piece after that has a satisfaction probably equivalent to that of watching your child say his/her first word... which I wouldn't know how that would feel like anyway but that's not the point XD

I dunno when the last time I rowed so hard was. Or rather, when the last time I rowed until so jialat was.

Dog's program very siong today. I like. Hand almost cramped until cannot hold paddle a couple of times, almost puked a couple of times.

Maybe its been too long since I paced, maybe I just wanted to row past my limit today.

His program is showing alot more substance and form now.

Most ridiculous case scenario involving someone waking up on time occurred. Unbelievably fantastic.

Going to those companies the other day was a real eye-opener. Would never have imagined such standards in development locally. Of course, they are all international companies, but its nice to see them based here in my Singapore.

Speaking to some of the directors, it reminded me of how it was like to dream to be a game developer. Yet the sad part of the matter is you can't do your own thing in a big company. You have to follow the company's direction, which can often suck like hell. Or if you want to do your own thing, no one will give a shit because you're inexperienced and you won't be able to pull the resources together.

But these guys, have been there and done all that, and are making it come true for themselves. I'm happy for them, really, maybe I will accept their offer to help out for the fighting game project, but for now, I'll just stick to my music.

Its not easy following your dream. For game developers, you usually need to have years of experience in the industry overseas before your project is feasible to developers. Unless you come across a uni with too much funding which wants to hop on the bandwagon before this industry really spikes.

Its nice to see things finally falling into place for the local game developers. Everything is slowly falling into place for them, combining talents with overseas counterparts. These are exciting times indeed.

Espcially for me. haahaa.

I'm just so tired of trying to psycho-analyze that part of me. It doesn't help that it wasn't developed through my conscious train of thought in the first place. Something that came about in my sub-conscious back during that hellish training. You could almost say that it was instinct. Or a heightened instinct.

I can't consciously switch off what I didn't consciously switch on.

It feels so hot, until you want to let it just reach its peak. It feels so good yet miserable.

To look at anyone, and only see weak points that you can use to take him out.

Didn't run tonight, better catch up on sleep.

I fail to come up with a proper entry at this point.

Sometimes I feel that my music is the only thing that can contain and direct me.

We always have a choice, but sometimes its so fucking hard to make the right one.

But I am still in control.

Reawakened.

Who the hell am I?

Dog wants to have more say in the team. A singular captaincy. I'm happy that he is finally showing more enthusiasm in leading the team, yet I worry because I recognize his current state to be much to early to be winning over majority of the team.

Its a sickening feeling, because the probability of failure at his stage and character is too high. Though perhaps he may learn quickly enough to make it for the vote.

As much as I want to help him and do the official appointment, as he may want, he must win his own team over. It is the most basic and fundamental aspect of leadership. Without trust, there can be no desire to follow.


Had an accident in training today... almost got swept away into the ocean due to the strong under current. It wasn't as bad as last time, yet the same thought popped into my head to when the same thing happened when I was alone under shears bridge.

It was raining heavily, and there was thunder and lightning. I remember how colorful the lightning looked when I was underwater. And I remember wondering if I would be like Leroy. Another drown case in the papers in one of the local bodies of water. Its odd that even such a thought didn't seem to scare me. Perhaps I am too familiar with being so close to death that I have accepted my own mortality long ago.

We were taught not to fear pain, nor death. Its ironic that I had such a strong reaction to those things in the past, but only years later can I not be shaken.

Is being devoid of fear a bad thing? Surely it would have motivated me greatly to swim harder. Perhaps I knew that it wouldn't make a difference anyway so I didn't even try... my body has a way of estimating such things with terrible accuracy.

Yet it is this unshakable nature that allows me to react in times of dire emergency to achieve the most desired outcome.

Perhaps some good came out of it afterall.



Cycled today with the nerd princess, I feel like an egg shell going at that speed.



Thinking back upon the match with fu, I realize why I always speak softly and hardly use vulgarities. Because the part of me which I hate the most uses the complete opposite.

Our voice, magnified our power. Each yell, a confirmation of the commitment to the attack.

Fear of using that, feeling like that again.

I understand that part of me more than before, yet my fear of it hasn't dropped.

I will never forget that night. Looking down, blood everywhere, blood on my knuckles. Yet no pain, only a burning sensation in every part of my body, in my veins, in my heart.

Control.

That is one thing that gives me the upper hand.

He was always at the little reunions and gatherings that were organized, so I've seen him around quite often. But the funny thing is, standing there opposite him that night, it seemed as though we haven't met for ages.

He had the ultimate offensive strategy and technique. It was a method known as the light-step. By not moving the eyes off your opponent, nor head as you move forward, your opponent will be fooled to think that you haven't moved, yet before he realized it, he can be right in front of you and in range for attack.

My defensive strategy and technique on the other hand, was unbeaten as well. I called it the wind-step, because I would hang in the air delivering the attack. Making use of immense rotation of the hips, I could jump sideways while delivering a pin-point kick while the opponent is making an attack.

I'm not sure why he decided to join Si and me for fight night, but I know why all those years ago I longed for a match so much with him, yet dreaded it at the same time.

After so many years, we still knew each other's trademark moves and habits. Being on the same team and watching each other's matches so often helped, I guess. Yet we never had a match after the first one.

The wind was calm.

I focused on his torso. It was something I started doing once I figured out how the light-step worked, so many years back. By watching his torso I had peripheral vision of his limbs, so I could react faster. But most importantly, I would not be deceived by his eyes and head and fall into his trap.

This however, made me more prone to feints, which he was aiming for, so that I would execute the wind-step and he would be able to do a reversal.

Then I remembered why I dreaded this match so much.

Back then, it was always us versus them. A battle for pride, fight for survival. But when it came to friends, I couldn't commit for the longest time.

When I began to realize who I became in order to overcome my opponents, and worse still, that he was uncontrollable, and saw everyone as opponents, every person as a stepping stone to overcome; I became scared.

I'd like to believe that my own inferiority complexes were not that extreme, that somewhere along the line, when it mixed with the desire to fight, it turned into a deep hatred, and the bright red aura that I once had turned into a blood red one.

Fire is a powerful driving force. It can motivate you to do things you would never imagine if you can contain and divert its energy. But for some people, it grows, and grows, until its so strong that it blinds you, and consumes you, and soon, it will control you, instead of you control it.

Nowadays, I wish that I would find another part of me that was just as strong in that aspect. But I still haven't yet. When I feel similar auras to that which I once had from friends, despite them having weaker ones; I dare not commit to the competition.

I will not bear such negative thoughts to my friends, I will not become that person again. One who has no loyalties, one who reads and manipulates every person to his own liking.

I look at those whom are able to use it with envy. If I had never let mine get out of control in the past, perhaps I would be able to enjoy that feeling too.



So our fight for the night was concluded. In the past, if I were the person I was, I would have beaten him, like I did so many years ago. But now, I can no longer be that person.

I haven't sealed him away anymore, but I don't let him come out. I wish that I could control him, to make use of his strength, but its just not possible.

He is the complete opposite of control, afterall.








Reu says:
I don't expect you to grasp this now
Reu says:
because you need to think how you think to work like how you work
Reu says:
that's why I like your spirit ^_^
eighteen seconds before sunrise says:
fuck
eighteen seconds before sunrise says:
i dun tink how i tink





Case point one. Case point two, the nerd princess.

Unblinded now, I know who I am and what I want to do, instead of be pulled along or driven by his desire, his anger, listless and without a clue.

Crossroads again.

Gotta think long and hard again. Was it this hard last time? I can't remember. One way is the safer path, the other is a little uncertain, yet my heart wants to take it.

I've felt sorry for those who have lost their own direction in life, those who

Last night confirmed it. I'm not the type to do something for money if I hate the job, even if the money is good. I'm through playing other people's games. Now its time for me to be on the production team. Drones can carry on with that type of life, I expect more of myself.

Its time to follow the path that will give meaning to my life.






Anyway, its nice to see the dog wanting to do more for the team. Shows he's finally beginning to understand. It may be a little late now, but not too late.

Defeated a wussy nerd in the gym today, and accidentally defeated his mount too. hahaha. Reminds me of the days in ultima online when I stonewall/firewall trap some poor sucker and accidentally roast his mount along with him. Woopsie.

Current count now is standing at 8.

Its going to get busy...

Still amazed that I managed to nab some projects with people of that caliber through professional relations (and not sleeping around, which would be impossible as most of them are... XD then again this isn't HK hahaha.)

Seeing as to how the last 2 simulations were a success and I've been getting better and better, this one shouldn't fail either.

I may.... .... have to postpone school lol.

Or I may pull of another lvl 99 godlike multitask scenario again. Hrm.....

Why the hell do I need a degree again?

Godamnit!

So anyway, part 3 of the major game, the other 2 simulations were just tests. Without actually execution, there would be no way to find the bugs and sort them out and get a better feel of what direction I would want to take.


Then why am I a little overwhelmed? XD

So the time being right, I finally moved to the next stage. And I was right, because 5 companies bit the bait within the first 3 days already.

Its nice to be recognized.

Its always a nice feeling when the past few years of planning and preparation slowly bear fruit. Nevertheless, its only the third stage.

On the same field as the big boys, but soon that field will be mine.

Tonite's run: 12:50. Yes, I know I shouldn't have bothered trying to run the usual route, much less time it, due to my stomach feeling like its on fire thanks to some crazy indians who tried to kill me by chilli.

The Ballade of the Warriors is finished. Woot.

3am, can't sleep.

Argh.

Lumines 2 can be a hazard.

On the way back today on the train... I was too engrossed in playing to realize that I had taken the WRONG LINE when I was already all the way at outram park towards raffles place when I should have just taken it straight to bishan.

Nvm.

Then I miss the city hall stop and have to backtrack one stop to catch the train to backtrack back home.

Wtf?

But it was worth it, because I managed to score more than 100,000 points and rank NUMBER 1 in the hardest mode in lumines 2. Yes, I am Lumines god. God of lumines! Muhahahaa



So I went and did it. Oh boy. I just hope I won't be swamped with work or whatever. Its damn fun when people ask me what I do for work and I tell them that I'm a music composer.

Some don't believe that its possible to do what you love for work. They just don't get it.

Years of planning, years of simulations have gone into this. Its not just some silly idea or fantasy.

Years ago I decided that I would not be like the rest of the population, government resources, living their lives out according to the paths of convention laid out for them.

I expected more of myself, or perhaps ego made me look down on all of them. Even the smartest kids back then didn't have a clue as to how to use their brains.

Which made them stupid, in my eyes.

If anyone could break out of the system and rewrite it for himself, it would be me.

Not just cheating, or bending the rules, but a complete and utter rewrite.

Some people have stationary on a table, and organize it to suit their life, thinking that they have exercised creativity. I would throw away anything boring on the table, and place what I would want instead.

Some people wonder what the meaning of life is.

Its for yourself to give meaning to.


I am but one step closer.

Last night's run: 11:53mins for the usual route.

Yes, I can last the whole run using cycle step, though my forefoot was burning towards the end of the run.

Breathing ratio 2:1:1 until right before final turn, then 2:1
Interview today at school, which turned out to be more like a get to know the ppl in charge of ccas.

Couldn't make it in time for training after that... so went gym instead.

And the lack of sleep is finally getting critical. I thought yesterday was bad... today I find myself acting on my own.

Not sure why I grabbed wussy nerd's arm and was going to dislocate it when I realized what I was doing and quickly shifted trajectory of the blow and tried to stop it.

Wussy nerd was finally ready to row to meet the Merlion and esplanade today, and the water conditions were right, so off we went. I got the blessing but he was too hum to go inside haha.

Was quite worried that I'd space out while rowing or recovering the other boat and something disastrously stupid would happen, but managed to force myself to be alert.

Eyes shutting can't type already.

Just when I thought that everything was going well, I felt him again today.

The silent thinking, the anger, the disgust.

I'm not sure what triggered it this time either. What I do know is that I wished so hard that I would have an excuse to use it again.

But I didn't. No more will I feed his anger. No matter how much it burns inside me.

My weapon is meant to protect, not to sooth petty emotions.

At times like these, I keep telling myself that the deepest shadow is cast by the strongest light.

I know who I am, and who I want to be. I know what I am capable of, but I will not dwell on the shadow cast by obstacles that I cannot foresee.



Its an addiction. But I'm kicking the habit. Si would probably say that I'm weak to think like this.

But being too strong will tear you apart.

There was a time when I would have joined the team when someone like nasiman specifically asked for me to join the team. But I guess now its too late for that.

Like Tezuka said, someone who has lost his fighting spirit doesn't deserve to fight alongside the team.

I remember this feeling. When ST left the team, and Hong had graduated. That was when I went to canoeing. Too let down by those who didn't share the same passion as me.

Maybe I need to do the same now.

Perhaps the fire for db will rekindle in the future like it did last time, when I eventually decided to do right what I saw everyone else doing wrong.

Problem with doing something for passion is that once that passion has waned, you don't know how to continue.

If I could cry, maybe I'd look like Jonny did.

In other news, Monty just emailed me about his latest movie... and its pure genius. http://gametrailers.com/umwatcher.php?id=57998

Met up with Eugene at the gym in the morning, Joel and Josh were there too. Was good to catch up with them.

Went back to do work, then off to canoe with the wussy nerd.

He's progressing obscenely fast. I wish I had a walking talking prima guide to kayaking when I was starting out in the sport too... then I could have power levelled faster -_-

Was looking down to check stroke during a sprint during the end and almost crashed into the canoe poloists lol.

Rushed back to do work again, then met seetoh at cck, then rushed to bishan gym.

I hate rushing.

Went to the wussy nerd's place to play ps3 after that. Ridge racer's gameplay dynamics is surprisingly similar to that of chocobo racing... the drifting is like the handbrake turn which can be held or tapped. Ended up utterly trashing him huhuhuhuhu...

Then played some fps which was damn fun, but godamn hard to aim with the controller la. Need more conditioning for that.

PS3 plays well, as expected of sony. I just wish that capcom would come up with some new fighting games.... what are they waiting for?!

I don't know what I'm waiting for. I should execute the plan for music.

Like Chua used to say, "his potential is to be outstanding, but only if he wants."

Right now I want to take a break, yet I want bigger projects for music. So I'm screwed.

In-game npc chicks should learn how to behave.

Seriously... the stupid nerds that wrote the plot and designed these girls must have been so horny. But ohh... the polygons.

Been super productive today. 2 new songs. Now I'm going to run away into the world of might and magic again XD

Must make sure I sleep early tonite.

Tonight's run: 11:44mins damn slow pace and timing but very tired for some reason. Shin hurts and the toe step technic is really slow.

Short vulgar nerd had a bizarre reaction to a cockroach on the way back and digivolved into short vulgar wussy nerd. What an accomplishment.

And he left his van keys in the van... gg. If he just manages to reach home safely tonight it will be a great success.

Anway, at last, everything is in place, fully functional, but better and faster than ever. Shaneroh!

Its a magical feeling when your life revolves around one thing in so many different ways, and that one thing just got a super upgrade.

Every night is a battle to tear myself away to sleep.

Too many things I want to do, not enough time. I wish I could multitask myself as well as the computer does.

I really have too much work + too many programs + too much hardware and settings to setup.

But thankfully, after one day, its finished.

More or less at least.

For general graphics:
Photoshop - done
3ds max - done

For MUGEN and spritework:
Paintshop pro - done
arachnophilia - done
particle illusion - done


For music and sound:
Reason - done
kompakt - halfway
cakewalk - done
cooledit - done


webdesign:
swishmax - done
dreamweaver - not done knn
swift3d - not done knn

video editing:
adobe premiere - not done
snag it - not done


Estimated timing for the upgrade was good. Only 1 application out of everything has problems running on vista, and the problem is minimal.

I realize I use my computer to do SO MANY THINGS that if just one method of execution is unavailable i feel so GODAMN HANDICAPPED.

-_-

By tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

Upgrading computer specs and os to windows vista truly is a traumatizing experience.

First there were huge complications because the guy who assembled the system put the dvd writer drive all the way at the top slot, which is too far away from the bottom hard disk slots and the godamn ide cable is not long enough to reach both of them.

So now I have to run my ide disks using external to usb. But then, my partitioned drives cannot be recognized and vista asks me to format, so I'll have to assemble my old rig back, and migrate all my data over to the non-partitioned drive wtf!

AND THEN there's no sound. Because I lost my audigy cd so there were no drivers. But thank god creative had the vista drivers on their website.

The good thing about having times two the previous processor power than last time and a 10k rpm hdd is multitasking is a godamn breeze now, applications open in the blink of an eye.

Windows aero looks nice... but takes some getting used to. Having to confirm things 999 times is driving me nuts!

So what's it feel like being able to get 8 hours of sleep for the past few days?

Damn awesome! hahaha.

More sleep = more control over self = less of angsty reu = happier reu!

Kingdom hearts 2 is out on ps2. I so want to play... but I know that I will completely lose any momentum for work that I have now. Maybe when I give myself a break or something in a couple of weeks.

Nic forewent his mambo night last night to play dota with us haha. Was starving but had NO EGGS to eat my korean noodles with omg. So I joined game, forward-forward dashed to the closest 7-11 to buy eggs, then back-back dashed home in time to miss the battle horn for the match but managed to catch up the 2 levels I was behind.

The idiots didn't report their missing opponents on one occasion while I was pushing near enemy base, and I got back and side stabbed. Their bloody excuse: "Reu, this isn't like real life, you cannot 1 take on 3."

wtf?

Yes... Zwei can jump now! XD

Finished jumping forward and backward which means... all basic movement minus turning around is finished!

Anyway, going to log one mail because unlike the usual fanmail, this one makes sense... and confuses me in the middle.


'You know what? I didn't even have a planned discussion for this message. I just wanted you to know how great I think your music is. I'm sure that when people first start on this site, they first seach for mixes of games that they have played, then search for popular ones, then search for other mixes from artists that they like. I have done just that, and I am searching through all of your songs submitted here on OCR. My first expirence with you was with ascention to cosmo canyon, when searching through final fantasy mixes. Let me say that even though that song was never the absolute best on my list, it has always been at least in the top 5 or 6. But the amazing thing is, it lasted far longer than any other song on my mp3 player. I can only fit about 70 songs on it, so I am constantly rotating what songs I have on it. When I get board with a song, I get rid of it and replace it with something new. Ascention to cosmo canyon is the second longest lasting song on it behind Darangen's 'warriors of light'. The only reason that it is beating it in terms of length on my mp3, is because I found it first. Then, while searching through Chrono Symphonic, I found 'Too far away times', which also imeadiately went up to the top. Now when searching what you have done, I have decided that without a shadow of a doubt, you are the best(my opinion). I see that your songs only have about relatively 30 reviews, but it doesn't matter because I see you as the greatest, and would like to praise you for your work. Congratulations."

It was nostalgic walking through the fountains and atrium, going up the escalator. Really brought back memories of looking forward to going to school everyday... unless I was playing ultima online.

The school team is doing ok. Good to see some familiar faces. Weights in that small room is the same as ever. Stuffy and hot despite the aircon lol.

Knowing Den, He'd be affected the most by her passing away, unlike me. Though that's why I picked him in the first place. I saw someone who would be able to lead my team with his heart, and not any of the wrong motives.

If I could, I would heal him. Though sometimes I worry that I am preventing him from learning to recover on his own by lending him my helping hand time and time again.

But he healed me in the past, when my life was but a mere cynical facade to advance to world domination, he showed me that there was greater meaning if you believe in other people, regardless of whether they disappoint you or not. I don't know another person who has a stronger idea on what the word "team" means.

And if his heart showed me the way more than once, then my brain will help him out more than once too.

Things hurt more when you open your heart so much to the people around you. But sometimes pain is good.

He could never understand the importance of psychological and indirect cognitive manipulation, I once thought that he was too innocent, but its just that its against his personality.

That's the difference between us, I guess.

The white, looking upon dark, the dark looking upon the white.

But without setting the lines clear, the white will be stained, and without looking at the white, the dark will never know just how dark he is.

I'm finally getting that feeling again.

Everything is falling into place again. Its like the mess that NS created is finally cleaned up, and everything is back on track and going according to plan.

Everyday I wake up looking forward to the day, looking forward to what I want to do, whether work or training.

Every night I hate to put down what I'm doing, because I love it so much.

This is the direction I worked so hard to find, and I finally got it back.

There were days when the team was all that I could think about.

I remember Jon's eyes when he asked me what he should do. He had grown tired of it, yet he loved it so much. He was crying.

How do you describe a feeling that you want to do something so much because you love it, yet you have grown so tired of it?

If I could express myself normally I would probably cry too.

Some of the guys think that like all the other ord'rs I would have quit long ago close to ORDing.

But I guess that's the difference between the guys and me. They came for the attachment, I just love the sport. I never joined the team for freedom in army, I had contingency after contingency for that. It was but a step for the big picture, but now it will lead to other things, instead of the original plan.

Now I just need to ensure that I've taught the junior exco well so that they can lead to the best of their own ability. And despite the obvious conflicts with one party, dog and weizhen can get along now.

Its been long. And I am relieved that this task is coming to an end. Giving dog more freedom to spread his wings out more often while taking training means that I have more free time to do everything else that I want to do.

Unlike sports, music is one thing that isn't the same as time goes by, and I will never get tired of it. Plus its the only means for me to truly feel.

Project2 is coming along well. Zwei can walk around and crouch, his cape animates so smoothly. He will be the benchmark for 2d fighting game characters for years to come.