Whisper in the wind:
Oh wind, what is this breeze?
Are you trying to comfort me?
Can you ease my silent cry?
Take away this hurting pain.
Carry away these tears from my eyes.
Fly away into the darkness of the night.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Had a long talk with the moose just now.
Should I really be feeling sad?
It would be normal to, wouldn't it?
There are times when I know I should be sad, but what I feel instead is just numbness.
Then there are times that I should feel ok, but feel a lingering familiar feeling... is that it?
I try so hard to find this feeling, through the saddest melodies that can brush my heart, ever so slightly, but all I acquire is a sad journey, with no result.
Maybe the only way that I can cry is through the piano.
"Any feeling that pulls your attention away from the battle is an invitation for weakness to set in."
But by blocking out the weakness, isn't that the same as never overcoming it?
And now I have tuned out something that I may never find again.
He once asked me, "how much are you willing to give up to achieve your goal?".
I once thought that I knew the answer, perhaps out of desperation, and foolishness I I thought that I would give up everything.
But as I draw closer and closer to that goal, the total cost seems to be accumulating.
Should I really be feeling sad?
It would be normal to, wouldn't it?
There are times when I know I should be sad, but what I feel instead is just numbness.
Then there are times that I should feel ok, but feel a lingering familiar feeling... is that it?
I try so hard to find this feeling, through the saddest melodies that can brush my heart, ever so slightly, but all I acquire is a sad journey, with no result.
Maybe the only way that I can cry is through the piano.
"Any feeling that pulls your attention away from the battle is an invitation for weakness to set in."
But by blocking out the weakness, isn't that the same as never overcoming it?
And now I have tuned out something that I may never find again.
He once asked me, "how much are you willing to give up to achieve your goal?".
I once thought that I knew the answer, perhaps out of desperation, and foolishness I I thought that I would give up everything.
But as I draw closer and closer to that goal, the total cost seems to be accumulating.
Long run tonite to sin ming and back: 29:43mins
Was rehearsing my lines for the q and a presentation last night with everyone else, when gary came up and asked "why rehearse so much?".
"Memorize too much and you won't be able to feel it, man. Its gotta come from the heart."
I remember the time when I banned the reading of scores for all piano ens concerts back in school. Likewise, I believed that one should feel his music, instead of read it from paper like a music box.
Ironically, that would mean that the player would have to memorize the piece.
There's no alternative, actually. For music, you either side read, memorize, or go impromptu, which would be impossible if you want to play a fixed score.
Through memorization, I make notes for emotion and accentuation, I make notes on what to feel, when to feel it. How to slow down and portray sadness, and how to go loud to portray excitement.
In the end, maybe I was the one who couldn't feel his own music. I was just a more complicated music box.
But how do you play from the heart?
Is it even possible?
How do you answer a question from the heart?
An honest, frank answer? Is that what it means to answer from the heart?
In that case, then for the good of everyone, I'd better keep all answers from the heart to myself.
Perhaps someone more simple-minded, optimistic, or naive would be able to answer from the heart in an acceptable manner.
But for some people....
Bluffing everyone into thinking that what you say is from your heart is the only way to go.
The scary part is when you become so good at bluffing, that you fool even yourself.
Then your bluffs will become truths even to yourself.
And when they become truths to you, you think that its coming from your heart.
That is how I answer from my heart.
Was rehearsing my lines for the q and a presentation last night with everyone else, when gary came up and asked "why rehearse so much?".
"Memorize too much and you won't be able to feel it, man. Its gotta come from the heart."
I remember the time when I banned the reading of scores for all piano ens concerts back in school. Likewise, I believed that one should feel his music, instead of read it from paper like a music box.
Ironically, that would mean that the player would have to memorize the piece.
There's no alternative, actually. For music, you either side read, memorize, or go impromptu, which would be impossible if you want to play a fixed score.
Through memorization, I make notes for emotion and accentuation, I make notes on what to feel, when to feel it. How to slow down and portray sadness, and how to go loud to portray excitement.
In the end, maybe I was the one who couldn't feel his own music. I was just a more complicated music box.
But how do you play from the heart?
Is it even possible?
How do you answer a question from the heart?
An honest, frank answer? Is that what it means to answer from the heart?
In that case, then for the good of everyone, I'd better keep all answers from the heart to myself.
Perhaps someone more simple-minded, optimistic, or naive would be able to answer from the heart in an acceptable manner.
But for some people....
Bluffing everyone into thinking that what you say is from your heart is the only way to go.
The scary part is when you become so good at bluffing, that you fool even yourself.
Then your bluffs will become truths even to yourself.
And when they become truths to you, you think that its coming from your heart.
That is how I answer from my heart.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Unbelievably sleepy today. Still need to go run later...
Just when I thought that I could rest easy... I realized that there's more to plan.
Then there's threat of political nonsense from the results of the competition. Its a double-edged sword, anyway. Could be used to your advantage, or it can screw you over.
Lot of the guys got bleeding hands from today's training. I know that some of them think that I'm a sadistic bastard for smiling like that after causing them so much pain, but its only because I remember putting myself through the same thing back in school.
The pain is a reminder of how hard you tried.
Just when I thought that I could rest easy... I realized that there's more to plan.
Then there's threat of political nonsense from the results of the competition. Its a double-edged sword, anyway. Could be used to your advantage, or it can screw you over.
Lot of the guys got bleeding hands from today's training. I know that some of them think that I'm a sadistic bastard for smiling like that after causing them so much pain, but its only because I remember putting myself through the same thing back in school.
The pain is a reminder of how hard you tried.
Resolution of two paradigms today.
One might start a war.
One might be a new beginning.
I knew that only that person would be able to read that book, and not think of it as cynical. I didn't want to turn back into him, but before I realized, I already did.
The cycle is complete.
The unfeeling is able to emulate feeling to the point that he feels it, yet knows that it isn't real.
I had feared this person the most. But now that I am him, I only see who I was as a complacent weakling who could not do what it takes.
Deep inside, I want her to find happiness. Something that I can not give her as long as I want to pursue my dreams.
But I can't fly if I'm holding on to someone's hand.
One might start a war.
One might be a new beginning.
I knew that only that person would be able to read that book, and not think of it as cynical. I didn't want to turn back into him, but before I realized, I already did.
The cycle is complete.
The unfeeling is able to emulate feeling to the point that he feels it, yet knows that it isn't real.
I had feared this person the most. But now that I am him, I only see who I was as a complacent weakling who could not do what it takes.
Deep inside, I want her to find happiness. Something that I can not give her as long as I want to pursue my dreams.
But I can't fly if I'm holding on to someone's hand.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Met bro today. Last time we met was like... a year ago?
Was weird helping him with a problem instead of him. Shan't go into that, tough.
I hate what he said about dbing, even though, a part of me knew that he would say such a thing. Perhaps one day I'll say the same thing, too? I don't know. There were days where I know I thought it, but not now. I hope none of the guys ever think about that, not now at least.
I hate how he's always unbiased and realistic. His viewpoint always slaps me in the face, jarring the very facets of things that I would otherwise have not paid special attention to.
He reminds me of chua so much, its scary.
He remembered to bring the law book for me to re-study. I remember the first time he lent me the book, I thought that it was a joke, wondered if he was so cynical as to want me to read it. But as time passed, I begun to see the worth of it and truth.
This should never fall into wrong hands. Its so cleverly phrased so that the simple-minded one will either think that its a joke, or be unable to comprehend the true meaning of it.
Was weird helping him with a problem instead of him. Shan't go into that, tough.
I hate what he said about dbing, even though, a part of me knew that he would say such a thing. Perhaps one day I'll say the same thing, too? I don't know. There were days where I know I thought it, but not now. I hope none of the guys ever think about that, not now at least.
I hate how he's always unbiased and realistic. His viewpoint always slaps me in the face, jarring the very facets of things that I would otherwise have not paid special attention to.
He reminds me of chua so much, its scary.
He remembered to bring the law book for me to re-study. I remember the first time he lent me the book, I thought that it was a joke, wondered if he was so cynical as to want me to read it. But as time passed, I begun to see the worth of it and truth.
This should never fall into wrong hands. Its so cleverly phrased so that the simple-minded one will either think that its a joke, or be unable to comprehend the true meaning of it.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Tonight's run: 11:17mins
Think its my pb? Not sure. Did cycle step for the whole big round this time. Almost at full conditioning.
Funny thing is, my biceps began to cramp durin the last 800m. Not enough salt or overworked them for today or something I think. Damn weird. Running use legs then suddenly biceps start cramping.
Think its my pb? Not sure. Did cycle step for the whole big round this time. Almost at full conditioning.
Funny thing is, my biceps began to cramp durin the last 800m. Not enough salt or overworked them for today or something I think. Damn weird. Running use legs then suddenly biceps start cramping.
I wished that I was wrong. That my estimations would be incorrect. But the 500m event went as expected, just like the 200m races. Sad that we decided to concentrate on the 200m event.
But all in all this only proved that the system works and is accurate.
Today is the start towards regetta. The executed strategy was only half of the whole plan for then. The strategy which will guarantee a clear lead. But training to be able to execute it will be the tricky part.
I remember the feeling now, back when I led the school team. Was too soft, too nua previously with this team. Its all out now.
Weirdly, today when we were doing the pushups, I thought of Ben, the first db coach. And probably the smartest around. How I would get so pissed off and not want to drop out of pushups and lose to some old bugger during trainings. How I wanted to excel beyond him, in every way.
But as long as you follow someone, you will always be behind him.
We shall make it happen.
These few days, I wondered, what would be the ideal balance of discipline and fun during training. But I realized, if you don't push boths sides, you will never find the balance. You can think and rationalize all you want, but simulations are required before tweaking.
Something based on Patrick's way is still the best.
Only draw back, is that I have to be the best first.
I always knew that this was a possible scenario, but now more than ever, I need to push harder.
Sa, koi.
But all in all this only proved that the system works and is accurate.
Today is the start towards regetta. The executed strategy was only half of the whole plan for then. The strategy which will guarantee a clear lead. But training to be able to execute it will be the tricky part.
I remember the feeling now, back when I led the school team. Was too soft, too nua previously with this team. Its all out now.
Weirdly, today when we were doing the pushups, I thought of Ben, the first db coach. And probably the smartest around. How I would get so pissed off and not want to drop out of pushups and lose to some old bugger during trainings. How I wanted to excel beyond him, in every way.
But as long as you follow someone, you will always be behind him.
We shall make it happen.
These few days, I wondered, what would be the ideal balance of discipline and fun during training. But I realized, if you don't push boths sides, you will never find the balance. You can think and rationalize all you want, but simulations are required before tweaking.
Something based on Patrick's way is still the best.
Only draw back, is that I have to be the best first.
I always knew that this was a possible scenario, but now more than ever, I need to push harder.
Sa, koi.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Friday:
Pullups: 42, 23, 18, 15, 1:30 mins rest inbetween set.
Breached the 40 mark.
Shoulders, then triceps.
Team manager meeting, then torture session. Extreme heat, extreme cold. It was damn cool with all that equipment and stuff, but don't think I'd spend half a K for such a thing, even if I was rich.
Successfully got the job.
Today:
Not enough sleep.
Knew it wasn't going to be easy with this handicap, especially when I need my concentration for timing and setting pace and planning. But if I could do it in such conditions, I would know that I can do it anytime.
Results went according to estimation. Finals wasn't really a risk, because if performed correctly we would improve, but if not, we would only stay at the previous mark, so no big loss. Better adjustment than the other 4 alternatives.
Difficult to create a strat to make a mediocre team in terms of fitness out-perform a bunch of brutes. It was insane, to go against so many teachings and concepts that I've been taught by several teams over the years, and observed from other teams, but at the end of the day, the equations will not lie. At times I wondered if page after page of workings and graphs and wrecking brain were any use, but when you see the theories work out in practice, its just like 3rd level ai programming all over again.
SG better ask itself why all our teams are losing out to overseas teams. No more excuses on equipment. The old methodoligies and school of thoughts need to be thrown away, because they have lost accuracy. I was taken aback at first when that piece of paper told me that so many things I was taught was wrong. Ahh but what do I know about calculations, I'm just some design student who got B3 for A maths. Maybe its just because I could never really do something just because its been done like that all this while. That's the dumbest way to do anything.
No energy now, and still so many things to settle. Can't think properly. I can't believe I managed to complete those calculations in this state of mind.
Nothing's confirmed yet, though. I may be proved wrong tomorrow.
Pullups: 42, 23, 18, 15, 1:30 mins rest inbetween set.
Breached the 40 mark.
Shoulders, then triceps.
Team manager meeting, then torture session. Extreme heat, extreme cold. It was damn cool with all that equipment and stuff, but don't think I'd spend half a K for such a thing, even if I was rich.
Successfully got the job.
Today:
Not enough sleep.
Knew it wasn't going to be easy with this handicap, especially when I need my concentration for timing and setting pace and planning. But if I could do it in such conditions, I would know that I can do it anytime.
Results went according to estimation. Finals wasn't really a risk, because if performed correctly we would improve, but if not, we would only stay at the previous mark, so no big loss. Better adjustment than the other 4 alternatives.
Difficult to create a strat to make a mediocre team in terms of fitness out-perform a bunch of brutes. It was insane, to go against so many teachings and concepts that I've been taught by several teams over the years, and observed from other teams, but at the end of the day, the equations will not lie. At times I wondered if page after page of workings and graphs and wrecking brain were any use, but when you see the theories work out in practice, its just like 3rd level ai programming all over again.
SG better ask itself why all our teams are losing out to overseas teams. No more excuses on equipment. The old methodoligies and school of thoughts need to be thrown away, because they have lost accuracy. I was taken aback at first when that piece of paper told me that so many things I was taught was wrong. Ahh but what do I know about calculations, I'm just some design student who got B3 for A maths. Maybe its just because I could never really do something just because its been done like that all this while. That's the dumbest way to do anything.
No energy now, and still so many things to settle. Can't think properly. I can't believe I managed to complete those calculations in this state of mind.
Nothing's confirmed yet, though. I may be proved wrong tomorrow.
Friday, September 22, 2006
SMU students getting so happy about learning to smoke a presentation. It reminds me of my resentment to that project's outcome back in school.
You're lucky if you're the only party presenting for a job. But if another party presents conflicting data to you, which is a more than a likely case if both parties are competing in the same field, checks will be done, and if your smoking is found out, your reputation, credibility and identity as a business will be ruined. Especially problematic since certain sectors have very small and as a result, close communities. GG for your company.
Nowadays clients are smarter, too. Big companies will require research on their end to make sure they are making a worthwhile investment, because they are more concerned about their identity than you. Smaller companies could be smoked through, but although several small company deals could sustain the growth of the company, its the big deals that add to portfolio and future investor confidence.
I suppose they are using a "how to use the tools" before a "when to use the tools" approach. I hope. Or else this batch of degree holders will be another listless bunch of meaningless paper print-out holders.
Speeding through the minutes, project details, plans of actions, presentation docs, its all been done before. I was worried about doing the same old thing in ntu design, but I didn't expect to come across such similar things in smu either. Anyway, its only the first few months I suppose, just the surface of what they have yet to learn.
I realize that it may be possible to leech of the school notes just like for jc. Which sounds quite dangerous because I ended up taking the other route in the end.
It sucks having to change your image to suit the market. But you gotta admit, having a strong sense of style through hair maybe nice, but if its not marketable, its a drawback instead of a plus point, no matter how much you like it. I never was one to place too much liking on any particular style, might as well do as advised.
In the end, business is business. Its still possible to not conform while still following a general direction.
You're lucky if you're the only party presenting for a job. But if another party presents conflicting data to you, which is a more than a likely case if both parties are competing in the same field, checks will be done, and if your smoking is found out, your reputation, credibility and identity as a business will be ruined. Especially problematic since certain sectors have very small and as a result, close communities. GG for your company.
Nowadays clients are smarter, too. Big companies will require research on their end to make sure they are making a worthwhile investment, because they are more concerned about their identity than you. Smaller companies could be smoked through, but although several small company deals could sustain the growth of the company, its the big deals that add to portfolio and future investor confidence.
I suppose they are using a "how to use the tools" before a "when to use the tools" approach. I hope. Or else this batch of degree holders will be another listless bunch of meaningless paper print-out holders.
Speeding through the minutes, project details, plans of actions, presentation docs, its all been done before. I was worried about doing the same old thing in ntu design, but I didn't expect to come across such similar things in smu either. Anyway, its only the first few months I suppose, just the surface of what they have yet to learn.
I realize that it may be possible to leech of the school notes just like for jc. Which sounds quite dangerous because I ended up taking the other route in the end.
It sucks having to change your image to suit the market. But you gotta admit, having a strong sense of style through hair maybe nice, but if its not marketable, its a drawback instead of a plus point, no matter how much you like it. I never was one to place too much liking on any particular style, might as well do as advised.
In the end, business is business. Its still possible to not conform while still following a general direction.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
So I lied. The exercise wasn't done to invoke fighting spirit nor get the heart pumping.
It was a test.
Some unexpected results, some predictable.
The rebel's mind is stubborn. If you try to lead him down a path, his ego will make him stray from it out of desire to stay free.
Dangerous is he who rebels for the sake of rebelling alone, for he will be without a cause to rebel for.
The hunter's mind is unsurprising. If he sees a target go down a certain path, he will try to follow unnoticed.
Dangerous is he who follows the wrong target down the wrong path.
Sometimes the goal of an exercise cannot be revealed when matters of the heart is concerned, because once the head knows the target, it will override the heart.
It is because of this that I cannot always guarantee a clearly lit path. Trust must be the guiding force.
It was a test.
Some unexpected results, some predictable.
The rebel's mind is stubborn. If you try to lead him down a path, his ego will make him stray from it out of desire to stay free.
Dangerous is he who rebels for the sake of rebelling alone, for he will be without a cause to rebel for.
The hunter's mind is unsurprising. If he sees a target go down a certain path, he will try to follow unnoticed.
Dangerous is he who follows the wrong target down the wrong path.
Sometimes the goal of an exercise cannot be revealed when matters of the heart is concerned, because once the head knows the target, it will override the heart.
It is because of this that I cannot always guarantee a clearly lit path. Trust must be the guiding force.
Tonite's run: 11:23mins
Exactly my second best timing for that route... but this time, last half was with cycle step.
Was just damn shacked after the event, but really had to run... since last night didn't run... and there's a shooting tomorrow at 9am so this entry should be short.
Funny thing about stylists, is that as long as they see something tapering slightly at the top, they wanna style it into a mohawk. -_-
Stylist 1: Hrm.... how you want this? Mohawk right?
Me: Nah... just flow backwards can liao.
Stylist 1: Harrr.... (disapointed expression) okay.
Stylist 2 to Stylist 1: Hey actually this one can make into a mohawk!
Stylist 1: Yeah!
Me: Haha no need... just backwards can liao.
Both: Okay....
Lao jiao Stylist: Wah, this one would look good if made into a mohawk!
Me thinking: wtf!!! I give up!
Me: Errh... ok.. just mohawk and sweep backward.
Just when I'm trying to break away from the whole mohawk thing. Sigh.
The presentation went well. Selection process reminds me of how I picked the exco in the past. Interviews, analysis. Gotta be fussy for an international ambassador. I find that the tact involved when answering questions on that level is not something to my taste. Think I'm too blunt and straightforward... which is suprising.
Got alot of valuable advice. I used to think that my PR skills were alright for formal presentations, but this really widens the horizon. Think I've just been presenting to a different crowd all this time. On a worldwide scale, considerable diplomacy is required. Which come to think of it, really seems like a big pain in the ass.
Top two for one award. Why is it when it comes to anything related to brawn, I have to face off against an n jc canoe ist?
His thoughts off the whole matter remind me of what I thought of this industry at first. But as time goes by, you become more open minded, you see the possible prospects, and ideologies change.
Perhaps he has a firmer character than I do, one that I once had? Or perhaps I just broke out of that naive thinking.
Right now, I don't know.
GG sleep.
Exactly my second best timing for that route... but this time, last half was with cycle step.
Was just damn shacked after the event, but really had to run... since last night didn't run... and there's a shooting tomorrow at 9am so this entry should be short.
Funny thing about stylists, is that as long as they see something tapering slightly at the top, they wanna style it into a mohawk. -_-
Stylist 1: Hrm.... how you want this? Mohawk right?
Me: Nah... just flow backwards can liao.
Stylist 1: Harrr.... (disapointed expression) okay.
Stylist 2 to Stylist 1: Hey actually this one can make into a mohawk!
Stylist 1: Yeah!
Me: Haha no need... just backwards can liao.
Both: Okay....
Lao jiao Stylist: Wah, this one would look good if made into a mohawk!
Me thinking: wtf!!! I give up!
Me: Errh... ok.. just mohawk and sweep backward.
Just when I'm trying to break away from the whole mohawk thing. Sigh.
The presentation went well. Selection process reminds me of how I picked the exco in the past. Interviews, analysis. Gotta be fussy for an international ambassador. I find that the tact involved when answering questions on that level is not something to my taste. Think I'm too blunt and straightforward... which is suprising.
Got alot of valuable advice. I used to think that my PR skills were alright for formal presentations, but this really widens the horizon. Think I've just been presenting to a different crowd all this time. On a worldwide scale, considerable diplomacy is required. Which come to think of it, really seems like a big pain in the ass.
Top two for one award. Why is it when it comes to anything related to brawn, I have to face off against an n jc canoe ist?
His thoughts off the whole matter remind me of what I thought of this industry at first. But as time goes by, you become more open minded, you see the possible prospects, and ideologies change.
Perhaps he has a firmer character than I do, one that I once had? Or perhaps I just broke out of that naive thinking.
Right now, I don't know.
GG sleep.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
You know how easy it is to stereotype warrants.
Especially when one bullies my colleagues, bears grudges, or tries to act "big". There are those who seem to be stuck in a certain military organization due to contract or are bitter because they cannot renew, and they show it to the world by trying to make life miserable for those under them as if it would make them feel better out of their poor inferiority complex.
But today I am reminded of a particular one who thinks out of the box. One who put himself as an example first in a light hearted manner. One who would go the extra mile to show everyone that there isn't always the textbook way to do things.
Its not like my term is ending too soon anyway, but I can't help but to wonder what I have accomplished and need to accomplish by the time I do leave.
I want to be able to say that I used this time to live out my dream in this sport, which was my goal from day one, I completed quite a few impressive projects to act to my portfolio for design which will be one of my contingency job paths, and also that I used my time arranging music there to be a critical stepping stone for the rest of my career.
Kinda different from the usual: I went to learn how to chiong in the jungle, or slack away in some chao keng vocation. Maybe you can learn some form of leadership skills in ocs, but its not like I lose out in that aspect either.
On enlistment day, I knew that these three unique options would be possible, I thought that it would be nice to accomplish one of them. But never realized that accomplishing all three would be possible in such short times.
And for the next chapter, though still blurry, I think I'm getting a stronger feeling as to which path I must take.
During secondary school I played their game, I worked my way up, down, around, and over the system. Until one day I asked "Why the hell is everyone playing this game?"
Everyone following blindly, as if it was natural to do so. Yet you can see those whose potential lies elsewhere, and those who are only good for that system.
I saw a danger. A generation which will be indoctrinated by the goals of the ministry to form a resource for the country. They who will become so constricted, that when they think that they think off on a tangent, its actually still within the system because their mindsets have already been so cleverly attuned.
Its sad to see those who haven't bothered to ask themselves who they really are until its too late, those who are struggling to find out who they are, but cannot. And those who think that they are on the path to self discovery, but actually are just following the plan.
Why resign yourself to just be a resource, if you can be happier and have so much more?
There are conventions which should be followed. Conventions of morals and ethics. But a convention over how one should learn and live his life, is something that I cannot accept.
And even if I haven't reached the successful end that I hope that I will, I will continue this journey. Previous simulations have turned out successful when I following my gut, not my head. And if this turns out some other way, I will get up and overcome. Because those who turn away at an obstacle will never know what lies beyond it.
My first mentor once told me: "As long as you follow someone, you will always be behind him." He who helped me move up from the neighbourhood school group, and up to ultimate nerdy gp group.
Why do we have the goals that we set in life?
Perhaps for those who grew up in an environment where that new shiney thing proved their status among their peers, money would be the means to acquire those things and gain acceptance.
For those who grew up lacking recognition, status and power would be the means to soothe their embarrasing past.
I know that at some point of time I cared alot about these things, but yet somewhere along the line, it was lost.
Has my past screwed me up until the point that my life goals would differ so greatly to the rest? Maybe its true that a near-death experience changes your outlook on life.
Every fight I went into with a stranger, I knew the possible outcome. And after coming so close to losing everything, you're forced to reevaluate everything.
That new handphone, bag, bike, blades, shirt, jeans, suddenly seemed so unimportant. And all those people who looked up to you, what would they think of you now?
It is probably because of this, that I can never expect anyone else to understand. They are lucky, I suppose, to be happy living in the system. Or am I the lucky one to realize what is going on and want something better?
Especially when one bullies my colleagues, bears grudges, or tries to act "big". There are those who seem to be stuck in a certain military organization due to contract or are bitter because they cannot renew, and they show it to the world by trying to make life miserable for those under them as if it would make them feel better out of their poor inferiority complex.
But today I am reminded of a particular one who thinks out of the box. One who put himself as an example first in a light hearted manner. One who would go the extra mile to show everyone that there isn't always the textbook way to do things.
Its not like my term is ending too soon anyway, but I can't help but to wonder what I have accomplished and need to accomplish by the time I do leave.
I want to be able to say that I used this time to live out my dream in this sport, which was my goal from day one, I completed quite a few impressive projects to act to my portfolio for design which will be one of my contingency job paths, and also that I used my time arranging music there to be a critical stepping stone for the rest of my career.
Kinda different from the usual: I went to learn how to chiong in the jungle, or slack away in some chao keng vocation. Maybe you can learn some form of leadership skills in ocs, but its not like I lose out in that aspect either.
On enlistment day, I knew that these three unique options would be possible, I thought that it would be nice to accomplish one of them. But never realized that accomplishing all three would be possible in such short times.
And for the next chapter, though still blurry, I think I'm getting a stronger feeling as to which path I must take.
During secondary school I played their game, I worked my way up, down, around, and over the system. Until one day I asked "Why the hell is everyone playing this game?"
Everyone following blindly, as if it was natural to do so. Yet you can see those whose potential lies elsewhere, and those who are only good for that system.
I saw a danger. A generation which will be indoctrinated by the goals of the ministry to form a resource for the country. They who will become so constricted, that when they think that they think off on a tangent, its actually still within the system because their mindsets have already been so cleverly attuned.
Its sad to see those who haven't bothered to ask themselves who they really are until its too late, those who are struggling to find out who they are, but cannot. And those who think that they are on the path to self discovery, but actually are just following the plan.
Why resign yourself to just be a resource, if you can be happier and have so much more?
There are conventions which should be followed. Conventions of morals and ethics. But a convention over how one should learn and live his life, is something that I cannot accept.
And even if I haven't reached the successful end that I hope that I will, I will continue this journey. Previous simulations have turned out successful when I following my gut, not my head. And if this turns out some other way, I will get up and overcome. Because those who turn away at an obstacle will never know what lies beyond it.
My first mentor once told me: "As long as you follow someone, you will always be behind him." He who helped me move up from the neighbourhood school group, and up to ultimate nerdy gp group.
Why do we have the goals that we set in life?
Perhaps for those who grew up in an environment where that new shiney thing proved their status among their peers, money would be the means to acquire those things and gain acceptance.
For those who grew up lacking recognition, status and power would be the means to soothe their embarrasing past.
I know that at some point of time I cared alot about these things, but yet somewhere along the line, it was lost.
Has my past screwed me up until the point that my life goals would differ so greatly to the rest? Maybe its true that a near-death experience changes your outlook on life.
Every fight I went into with a stranger, I knew the possible outcome. And after coming so close to losing everything, you're forced to reevaluate everything.
That new handphone, bag, bike, blades, shirt, jeans, suddenly seemed so unimportant. And all those people who looked up to you, what would they think of you now?
It is probably because of this, that I can never expect anyone else to understand. They are lucky, I suppose, to be happy living in the system. Or am I the lucky one to realize what is going on and want something better?
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Tonight's run: 11:38 mins
Damn lousy haha. Legs were damn suan from friday's squats + today's leg extensions I think.
Managed to cycle step for about 1.6km of the route today, which is why I couldn't up the pace too much too.
Think I may need to cut down on the running abit before I turn into a chao kenyan runner.
Damn lousy haha. Legs were damn suan from friday's squats + today's leg extensions I think.
Managed to cycle step for about 1.6km of the route today, which is why I couldn't up the pace too much too.
Think I may need to cut down on the running abit before I turn into a chao kenyan runner.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Is that what they need? To lose themselves in order to find their true nature? Its different for everyone. Everyone has colors and intensities. I do not want to be responsible for having someone else pass the point of no return.
At times I'm afraid that my reluctance to push that far is due to the past. But if I've learnt one thing, its that there are always multiple solutions to complicated problems.
If you want things done right, you gotta do it yourself.
At times I'm afraid that my reluctance to push that far is due to the past. But if I've learnt one thing, its that there are always multiple solutions to complicated problems.
If you want things done right, you gotta do it yourself.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Eh... forgot to log these
Tuesday night's run: 11:25 mins along normal route, 3 short sections of cycle step.
Last night's run: 18 mins slow run.
Tonight's run: 0:00. Too tired haha.
Had a bad feeling in the afternoon, and sure enough, spotted the agent there. Tried to cover and conceal at first, but he's good la.
Expected most of his comments, but was suprised about some...
Anyway I don't like wasting such a large amount of money either, but priority comes first. As much as I need it, money will not take precedence over what we need to achieve. Chartered cushy transport, spa massage and etc... bye bye.
So tired right now, still have so much planning to do.
Tuesday night's run: 11:25 mins along normal route, 3 short sections of cycle step.
Last night's run: 18 mins slow run.
Tonight's run: 0:00. Too tired haha.
Had a bad feeling in the afternoon, and sure enough, spotted the agent there. Tried to cover and conceal at first, but he's good la.
Expected most of his comments, but was suprised about some...
Anyway I don't like wasting such a large amount of money either, but priority comes first. As much as I need it, money will not take precedence over what we need to achieve. Chartered cushy transport, spa massage and etc... bye bye.
So tired right now, still have so much planning to do.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Another day of exploitation in camp.
Spotted a RARE SIGHT in the canteen all the way across camp. Oh my god. Such a thing really doesn't belong in camp. I couldn't believe my eyes. Auston couldn't believe his eyes. It must have been our imagination, but it was there. Unbelievable.
More acts of gayness in the office. Sigh... it really isn't healthy to fill a camp with 99% guys. 0.9% Aunties and ..... and 0.1% female.
Brainstorm session... wasting of time... had to go and act smart and gave the idea... no choice, desperate to end the meeting.
Lectures, nice and short, I'm the most awesome lecturer because my classes are frickin short and to the point. lol.
Weights and gym.
Now I have anger.
The upkeep of fitness should be a priority in every SOLDIER's routine. Keeping running, weights, statics outside of office hours is incredibly stupid and I wonder why some naive nsfs are so blinded by protocol/laziness and decide to spend their office life wasting away into slugs.
For crying out loud, fitness should be supported and encouraged, not discouraged and limited.
May have to shake some ground in the upper levels again.
Rushed down to that place for that thing.
Its really some sort of level 99 pr and social skills practical class. The way you carry yourself, present yourself, speak, gesture, move, is all being critically judged by less forgiving company.
Vic's observation of telegraphing is quite impressive. He really deserved to get that title, because in this aspect, he really possessed the intellect to stand out. Its nice getting his insight, being fellow canoeists/dbers, we probably have the most similar mindset.
Only difference is, he's serious about this.
Think alot of ppl would want to go for sat's sponsored events, but training's gotta come first.
Its dangerously possible to get sent to the international finals overseas, but that would clash with regetta, and also would mean that all the sacrifices I've made up to now, including going to ocs would go down the drain.
Once in a lifetime opportunity? Perhaps, but I can't afford to lose track now.
Although, its not certain what the outcome will be for regat, we gotta believe. Too many dissapointments, this is the chance to make the difference and make everything right for once. For once.
The team is almost ready to learn the first sequence. Too many old and useless practices still lingering around. Poor concepts passed down by deteriorating information passed down by the years gone by. Incapable vessels of information, teaching the wrong techniques.
This has more meaning to me than individual pride for country at the moment. Vic can have that.
Spotted a RARE SIGHT in the canteen all the way across camp. Oh my god. Such a thing really doesn't belong in camp. I couldn't believe my eyes. Auston couldn't believe his eyes. It must have been our imagination, but it was there. Unbelievable.
More acts of gayness in the office. Sigh... it really isn't healthy to fill a camp with 99% guys. 0.9% Aunties and ..... and 0.1% female.
Brainstorm session... wasting of time... had to go and act smart and gave the idea... no choice, desperate to end the meeting.
Lectures, nice and short, I'm the most awesome lecturer because my classes are frickin short and to the point. lol.
Weights and gym.
Now I have anger.
The upkeep of fitness should be a priority in every SOLDIER's routine. Keeping running, weights, statics outside of office hours is incredibly stupid and I wonder why some naive nsfs are so blinded by protocol/laziness and decide to spend their office life wasting away into slugs.
For crying out loud, fitness should be supported and encouraged, not discouraged and limited.
May have to shake some ground in the upper levels again.
Rushed down to that place for that thing.
Its really some sort of level 99 pr and social skills practical class. The way you carry yourself, present yourself, speak, gesture, move, is all being critically judged by less forgiving company.
Vic's observation of telegraphing is quite impressive. He really deserved to get that title, because in this aspect, he really possessed the intellect to stand out. Its nice getting his insight, being fellow canoeists/dbers, we probably have the most similar mindset.
Only difference is, he's serious about this.
Think alot of ppl would want to go for sat's sponsored events, but training's gotta come first.
Its dangerously possible to get sent to the international finals overseas, but that would clash with regetta, and also would mean that all the sacrifices I've made up to now, including going to ocs would go down the drain.
Once in a lifetime opportunity? Perhaps, but I can't afford to lose track now.
Although, its not certain what the outcome will be for regat, we gotta believe. Too many dissapointments, this is the chance to make the difference and make everything right for once. For once.
The team is almost ready to learn the first sequence. Too many old and useless practices still lingering around. Poor concepts passed down by deteriorating information passed down by the years gone by. Incapable vessels of information, teaching the wrong techniques.
This has more meaning to me than individual pride for country at the moment. Vic can have that.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Seeing that piece of paper yesterday made me remember all the thoughts that came pouring in during and after the Os. So many secrets. I feel sick just remembering them.
I decided that I wanted to take control of my life, and screw the route that so many people were taking.
I worry for those who are only starting their journey into what they want to do for the rest of their life. What if like me, they realize that it isn't all that its made out to be, what if they dislike it? Will they be as lucky to find a side road? This was precisely the situation I didn't want to get myself into back then. It may be the shallow foresight of a secondary school kid, but it still makes sense up to now. I believe that the money will come, either way, its whether you enjoy making the currency or dread the job you have to do earning it and have to look forward to spending it so much.
Ultimately, there are successful people who enjoy their jobs, and successful people who don't enjoy their jobs, grow old faster and peace out faster.
Maybe it was the period after the tkd stint that opened my eyes as to how fragile life was, and made me wonder what we live for. I didn't want to conform to society's requirements on what would make you "successful" in life. Anyone who does something because everyone else is doing it, or because someone tells you to do it, is not living his own life. Unless life means to follow people around for the rest of your life, and I never was the type to follow people around.
There are people who want to belong to a group. But somehow, I am, and may forever be a loner. Because if you want to be the best, you need to rise above the rest. Its nice to have allies along the way, comrades, and rivals to push you on.
Then there are loners, who don't like being pushed around, don't like following crowds, yet are blind as to what they can accomplish, because they have been conforming all their life.
Too much brainwashing? Perhaps. You must feel and read your opponent. His every move mirrors his every thoughts. His eyes are the window to his soul. An open book to read. Every action, mirrors every agenda. His every agenda will lead you to his ultimate goal. Understand him, feel his anger, or fear, and you will conquer him.
Reading an opponent is something that must be practiced. You practice it with your squad, then you practice it with those around you, soon you cannot help but read your friends, family, everyone.
The objective of reading an opponent and searching to understand him is to overcome him. "Everyone is selfish". That's something that I keep telling myself is not true, but back then, it was all I could think of. When you see and can understand every weakness, every insecurity, every idiosyncrasy, you hate everyone. You are disgusted with every weak shit that you come across.
There are people who look at other people, and can observe the surface weaknesses, what more would these people think if they knew of their deepest darkest fears?
The journey to the top is lonely at times. Before a race in a dragonboat, I feel at ease, because there are many teammates that will accompany you to that goal. But for canoeing, I remember the solemnity and loneliness.
You cannot fight your opponent until you have fought everything around him, everything around you, and, yourself. You are all alone. No one to depend on.
Is this the answer that I was searching for this past year? I don't think there are any other walls to break down now. Everything that I tried so hard to forget, everything that was too painful to remember.
But there must be something else that I'm not remembering. Because at this point I can still control myself from going too far, losing friends and companions again.
Blocks.
Maybe there are more walls that I have yet to overcome. Afraid that remembering may push me beyond the point of no return. But if that happens, I hope that I can read this and realize what has happened.
My objective is to find the balance. Simply put, don't become a loner, yet achieve my goal. Don't lose myself again. Its not going to be very fun at the top if you can't enjoy it.
I decided that I wanted to take control of my life, and screw the route that so many people were taking.
I worry for those who are only starting their journey into what they want to do for the rest of their life. What if like me, they realize that it isn't all that its made out to be, what if they dislike it? Will they be as lucky to find a side road? This was precisely the situation I didn't want to get myself into back then. It may be the shallow foresight of a secondary school kid, but it still makes sense up to now. I believe that the money will come, either way, its whether you enjoy making the currency or dread the job you have to do earning it and have to look forward to spending it so much.
Ultimately, there are successful people who enjoy their jobs, and successful people who don't enjoy their jobs, grow old faster and peace out faster.
Maybe it was the period after the tkd stint that opened my eyes as to how fragile life was, and made me wonder what we live for. I didn't want to conform to society's requirements on what would make you "successful" in life. Anyone who does something because everyone else is doing it, or because someone tells you to do it, is not living his own life. Unless life means to follow people around for the rest of your life, and I never was the type to follow people around.
There are people who want to belong to a group. But somehow, I am, and may forever be a loner. Because if you want to be the best, you need to rise above the rest. Its nice to have allies along the way, comrades, and rivals to push you on.
Then there are loners, who don't like being pushed around, don't like following crowds, yet are blind as to what they can accomplish, because they have been conforming all their life.
Too much brainwashing? Perhaps. You must feel and read your opponent. His every move mirrors his every thoughts. His eyes are the window to his soul. An open book to read. Every action, mirrors every agenda. His every agenda will lead you to his ultimate goal. Understand him, feel his anger, or fear, and you will conquer him.
Reading an opponent is something that must be practiced. You practice it with your squad, then you practice it with those around you, soon you cannot help but read your friends, family, everyone.
The objective of reading an opponent and searching to understand him is to overcome him. "Everyone is selfish". That's something that I keep telling myself is not true, but back then, it was all I could think of. When you see and can understand every weakness, every insecurity, every idiosyncrasy, you hate everyone. You are disgusted with every weak shit that you come across.
There are people who look at other people, and can observe the surface weaknesses, what more would these people think if they knew of their deepest darkest fears?
The journey to the top is lonely at times. Before a race in a dragonboat, I feel at ease, because there are many teammates that will accompany you to that goal. But for canoeing, I remember the solemnity and loneliness.
You cannot fight your opponent until you have fought everything around him, everything around you, and, yourself. You are all alone. No one to depend on.
Is this the answer that I was searching for this past year? I don't think there are any other walls to break down now. Everything that I tried so hard to forget, everything that was too painful to remember.
But there must be something else that I'm not remembering. Because at this point I can still control myself from going too far, losing friends and companions again.
Blocks.
Maybe there are more walls that I have yet to overcome. Afraid that remembering may push me beyond the point of no return. But if that happens, I hope that I can read this and realize what has happened.
My objective is to find the balance. Simply put, don't become a loner, yet achieve my goal. Don't lose myself again. Its not going to be very fun at the top if you can't enjoy it.
Too far beyond.
I always thought that I'd know before I crossed back over, but its not as simple as keeping clear of a boundary, because that boundary is invisible, and you will only know that you have crossed it only when its too late.
The feelings, the disgust. Too many times I've caught myself saying and doing things that I would have previously cut off before carrying out.
I told myself never to touch anyone with it again. Yet I did.
And today, I felt it again for the first time in a very long time.
Was supposed to run last night but... sleeping sickness struck again. godamn.
I always thought that I'd know before I crossed back over, but its not as simple as keeping clear of a boundary, because that boundary is invisible, and you will only know that you have crossed it only when its too late.
The feelings, the disgust. Too many times I've caught myself saying and doing things that I would have previously cut off before carrying out.
I told myself never to touch anyone with it again. Yet I did.
And today, I felt it again for the first time in a very long time.
Was supposed to run last night but... sleeping sickness struck again. godamn.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Sometimes I just want to stay away from home, because when I'm home, I think of work, and gotta do work.
On a side note, I've at last passed the 40 mark for pullups. Let this be a day of great joy and celebration. 50, here I come.
Completed 100 pullups in 3 sets today. Chest was a travesty, because of the pumping before that. Someone was relishing his sweet victory for once.
As much as I like to tell people about karma, and how we should all try to do more good deeds.... its ironic that I probably have the worse karma of all.
Its good to have a strong opinion about something, it gives life perspective. But its not good to have too strong a view about some things, because too much focus breeds narrow-mindedness, and no matter how strongly I feel about something, I try my best not to make any ultimatums, because I've seen too many people critically limited by their ultimatums.
If you keep trying to show everyone the shiney stones in your hands, you'll never be able to pick up the diamonds underneath you.
I wonder what it would feel like to be able to do that to someone without worrying about landing a penetrating or shattering blow. I admire people who have the freedom to do so, yet due to the past, can't help but look down on them a little.
Need to get a punching bag and relearn how to swing instead of snap. Wonder if its possible to reconfigure.
On a side note, I've at last passed the 40 mark for pullups. Let this be a day of great joy and celebration. 50, here I come.
Completed 100 pullups in 3 sets today. Chest was a travesty, because of the pumping before that. Someone was relishing his sweet victory for once.
As much as I like to tell people about karma, and how we should all try to do more good deeds.... its ironic that I probably have the worse karma of all.
Its good to have a strong opinion about something, it gives life perspective. But its not good to have too strong a view about some things, because too much focus breeds narrow-mindedness, and no matter how strongly I feel about something, I try my best not to make any ultimatums, because I've seen too many people critically limited by their ultimatums.
If you keep trying to show everyone the shiney stones in your hands, you'll never be able to pick up the diamonds underneath you.
I wonder what it would feel like to be able to do that to someone without worrying about landing a penetrating or shattering blow. I admire people who have the freedom to do so, yet due to the past, can't help but look down on them a little.
Need to get a punching bag and relearn how to swing instead of snap. Wonder if its possible to reconfigure.
Was going through a certain military organization's classified software just now, and I had to reboot my system 5 times godamnit.
Firstly, my security devices strongly disagreed with it, causing an infinite jam loop and putting my computer in stasis. What kind of screwed up runtime library is this thing using?! Then, the godamn install files installed everything to different folders, when the application required it to be all in one folder. So I had to go and search for all the different folders and copy everything manually into the application root directory.
Nice job la, anonymous military organization.
Oh now I can't close one of the modules.
When can I ord? I'm seriously underpaid. By like 3k.
Firstly, my security devices strongly disagreed with it, causing an infinite jam loop and putting my computer in stasis. What kind of screwed up runtime library is this thing using?! Then, the godamn install files installed everything to different folders, when the application required it to be all in one folder. So I had to go and search for all the different folders and copy everything manually into the application root directory.
Nice job la, anonymous military organization.
Oh now I can't close one of the modules.
When can I ord? I'm seriously underpaid. By like 3k.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Training today was -_-;
I'm trying every alternative but I'm starting to think that some things just can't be taught with a nice guy attitude.
Too much thinking and feeling until they've lost the ability to let loose. Balance has been shifted too much to the complacent side for some. You can't jump over the hedge by calculating and feeling. You need to go out there, feel the rush, then just godamn jump.
Yes it is important to feel, but when you let it be a barrier instead of a guide, you'll never break new grounds.
I hate it. I hated myself when I lead like that in the past, because its so similar to so many utter failure case studies in leadership.
For new fighters, fighting spirit can only be evoked to its full potential by facing off with an opponent possessing an aura capable of threatening him.
Problem is for those who have lost it for so long, rekindling it may not be possible. For those who have an insufficient capacity, they may get overwhelmed. Especially possible if I am the one being the catalyst. For those who lack focus, they may exert on the wrong things, the wrong people.
But what I fear most is if the fire gets too big, until that side takes over again. It took too long to cool down the last time. Had to control like hell to reach a proper place, but in the end that poor door had to be targetted.
I dare not teach them something that I myself can not control fully. One is already showing symptoms of similar adherence, but whether it is an affinity or not, is still not known. Luckily his inherent capacity is not as great, and in turn is more balanced.
Perhaps its too risky.
Gym today. Moose was doing the eyebrown exercises again.... dog was very tired.
Moose was showing off his highly-defensive boxing stance, whereby any punch could be guarded easily... supposedly.
Until I landed 4 pecks past his arms in less than one second.
Screwed la... last peck was right at that point. Luckily they were just pecks.
I feel sleeping sickness coming again. Argh......
I'm trying every alternative but I'm starting to think that some things just can't be taught with a nice guy attitude.
Too much thinking and feeling until they've lost the ability to let loose. Balance has been shifted too much to the complacent side for some. You can't jump over the hedge by calculating and feeling. You need to go out there, feel the rush, then just godamn jump.
Yes it is important to feel, but when you let it be a barrier instead of a guide, you'll never break new grounds.
I hate it. I hated myself when I lead like that in the past, because its so similar to so many utter failure case studies in leadership.
For new fighters, fighting spirit can only be evoked to its full potential by facing off with an opponent possessing an aura capable of threatening him.
Problem is for those who have lost it for so long, rekindling it may not be possible. For those who have an insufficient capacity, they may get overwhelmed. Especially possible if I am the one being the catalyst. For those who lack focus, they may exert on the wrong things, the wrong people.
But what I fear most is if the fire gets too big, until that side takes over again. It took too long to cool down the last time. Had to control like hell to reach a proper place, but in the end that poor door had to be targetted.
I dare not teach them something that I myself can not control fully. One is already showing symptoms of similar adherence, but whether it is an affinity or not, is still not known. Luckily his inherent capacity is not as great, and in turn is more balanced.
Perhaps its too risky.
Gym today. Moose was doing the eyebrown exercises again.... dog was very tired.
Moose was showing off his highly-defensive boxing stance, whereby any punch could be guarded easily... supposedly.
Until I landed 4 pecks past his arms in less than one second.
Screwed la... last peck was right at that point. Luckily they were just pecks.
I feel sleeping sickness coming again. Argh......
Friday, September 08, 2006
Last night's run: 11:18mins. new PB. Didn't use the cycle step though, calves were still too suan.
Tonite's run was an easy pace, 18:20mins. Supposed to be longer but... hunger got the better of me.
Alot of road angst nowadays. Oh brother.
I wish I had the freedom to start shouting like that.
Yuck la... fell asleep typing this entry last night.
Tonite's run was an easy pace, 18:20mins. Supposed to be longer but... hunger got the better of me.
Alot of road angst nowadays. Oh brother.
I wish I had the freedom to start shouting like that.
Yuck la... fell asleep typing this entry last night.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Researched on UFC.
Sad to say, there are still rules.
There is one sad truth about the high rate of tkd fighters losing, to muay thai or what not.
Muay thai's objective is to take the opponent down.
For tkd sparring on the other hand, the only objcetive is to score a point, no matter how weak the hit, then the ref will call for a pause.
So obviously, once the tkf fighter scores a point, and the match continues, its time to go down.
But whats sadder, is that as a black belt in tkd, you learn a barrage of moves which cannot be used in a spar. The disabling and lethal moves which I could never understand why we practiced if we are not supposed to use them.
Watching the ufc matches, I can spot so many openings whereby the match could have ended instantly.
I remember the days of frustration at the rules of sparring.
"Why the heck couldn't I do that?"
"Why isn't that allowed?"
Tkd sparring is very controlled and non-lethal. Supposedly.
That's when the days of research started. First it was on other martial arts and concepts, then, the banned practices and trainings.
There's a reason why you don't use some techniques. There's a reason why some practices are banned.
And as I come to yearn more and more to get back into it... there's a reason why I need to stop myself.
I remember why I had to pull myself away from it last time. Why I had to run away.
How I tried so hard and eventually succeeded in forgetting.
It was never about the reaction, or the rage.
It was about what they made me forget to avoid.
I can't believe that I had forgotten.
I almost blurted it out to someone today. But I will hate myself if I ever teach someone else what I had discovered and practiced. How I hated having to control myself so much, when it would be so easy to just use those techniques in a match.
Someone once told me "You are illusioned by thinking that you possess some sort of power greater than that of normal people. What makes you think that you are capable of things that normal people can not do?"
That person sadly, is very naive.
We all control ourselves. But there is a big difference between having to restrict yourself from using two hands to remove a piece from the lego structure, and having to restrict yourself from using one finger to completely destroy it in its entirety.
Do I have a greater discipline now?
It was the one thing I lacked in the past to deal with this.
I was never one to conform to the rules of the game, the rules of normal people, the rules of life.
I would not be able to forgive myself if I ever put someone else in my position.
Its better off playing the game and enjoying it while conforming to the rules, than rising above it and keep asking yourself why I have to limit myself to these stupid rules? Because once that happens, the game is no longer enjoyable, and when you have to force yourself to "level down", you feel so stupid.
Which is why I must not ruin the game for someone. If he wants to play it, let him enjoy it. Because once I learned what I had learned, it was ruined for me. And my perception of life changed completely. No matter how much you think you can restrict yourself, there is no guarantee, as I found out myself. Then once you test and rise above the system, you become disillusioned.
There was always a part of me that still remembered vaguely somehow, luckily. But now I remember everything. I'm suprised at how much I was able to forget.
Perhaps forgetting again is one solution. Perhaps a greater discipline is a better one.
Maybe the game will forever be ruined for me because when you take one step up from the game of sparring, you enter the game of life. And that's not something you should even play with.
Sad to say, there are still rules.
There is one sad truth about the high rate of tkd fighters losing, to muay thai or what not.
Muay thai's objective is to take the opponent down.
For tkd sparring on the other hand, the only objcetive is to score a point, no matter how weak the hit, then the ref will call for a pause.
So obviously, once the tkf fighter scores a point, and the match continues, its time to go down.
But whats sadder, is that as a black belt in tkd, you learn a barrage of moves which cannot be used in a spar. The disabling and lethal moves which I could never understand why we practiced if we are not supposed to use them.
Watching the ufc matches, I can spot so many openings whereby the match could have ended instantly.
I remember the days of frustration at the rules of sparring.
"Why the heck couldn't I do that?"
"Why isn't that allowed?"
Tkd sparring is very controlled and non-lethal. Supposedly.
That's when the days of research started. First it was on other martial arts and concepts, then, the banned practices and trainings.
There's a reason why you don't use some techniques. There's a reason why some practices are banned.
And as I come to yearn more and more to get back into it... there's a reason why I need to stop myself.
I remember why I had to pull myself away from it last time. Why I had to run away.
How I tried so hard and eventually succeeded in forgetting.
It was never about the reaction, or the rage.
It was about what they made me forget to avoid.
I can't believe that I had forgotten.
I almost blurted it out to someone today. But I will hate myself if I ever teach someone else what I had discovered and practiced. How I hated having to control myself so much, when it would be so easy to just use those techniques in a match.
Someone once told me "You are illusioned by thinking that you possess some sort of power greater than that of normal people. What makes you think that you are capable of things that normal people can not do?"
That person sadly, is very naive.
We all control ourselves. But there is a big difference between having to restrict yourself from using two hands to remove a piece from the lego structure, and having to restrict yourself from using one finger to completely destroy it in its entirety.
Do I have a greater discipline now?
It was the one thing I lacked in the past to deal with this.
I was never one to conform to the rules of the game, the rules of normal people, the rules of life.
I would not be able to forgive myself if I ever put someone else in my position.
Its better off playing the game and enjoying it while conforming to the rules, than rising above it and keep asking yourself why I have to limit myself to these stupid rules? Because once that happens, the game is no longer enjoyable, and when you have to force yourself to "level down", you feel so stupid.
Which is why I must not ruin the game for someone. If he wants to play it, let him enjoy it. Because once I learned what I had learned, it was ruined for me. And my perception of life changed completely. No matter how much you think you can restrict yourself, there is no guarantee, as I found out myself. Then once you test and rise above the system, you become disillusioned.
There was always a part of me that still remembered vaguely somehow, luckily. But now I remember everything. I'm suprised at how much I was able to forget.
Perhaps forgetting again is one solution. Perhaps a greater discipline is a better one.
Maybe the game will forever be ruined for me because when you take one step up from the game of sparring, you enter the game of life. And that's not something you should even play with.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I'm starting to think that just as I may have the maturity to deal with that environment now, unlike last time, it may be possible that I might be able to deal with competitive sparring again.
I am no longer the kid that would get extremely pissed immediately after losing a game, who's eyes would get red, and he would get just so frustrated. I can hold it in until the proper place. Its still important to hate losing, though. Its important for anyone who wants to compete. But how we deal with it is important.
Perhaps I ran away for nothing in the past. I did stop the attack in time, after all. But ended up kicking myself over it over and over again anyway. And instead of dealing with it, I ran away. Was it so scary? I just became who I trained to be.
I remember the mental walls that were slowly broken down one by one, match after match. Until the day I let reversaling become secondary tactic and let myself become what I had always tried so hard not to become - the aggressor.
There's always something in your gut telling you not to do something, telling you not to go there. And the nearer you approach it, the louder it screams to stop.
Interest is not enough, curiousity is not enough, open-mindedness is not enough. What if one day, you become so desperate, you suddenly have the power to mute that voice?
I can't remember what happened exactly. I remember vaguely that I felt very hot, like all the hairs on my skin were standing, and the blood inside me was rushing 10 times faster than usual. Unimaginable, yet it felt so sick. I knew it would.
I remember how he was lying on the floor, his eyes were rolling backward until you could only see the eye white. They were fanning him, trying to get his headgear off.
They were looking at me as if I had done something wrong, and all I could think of was that he was a sorry loser for letting me score that hit.
I always knew that things would go bad if I ever let him take control. But instead of learning how to control him, I ran away.
Rowing is a safe sport. Even if you lose it, the water can't get hurt. And you're not targetting any person. But its because of these two factors that the simulation will never be the same. I will never know until I try again.
I know that I've grown stronger, so I should be more capable of controlling him. My only fear is that after all this time, he too has become stronger, maybe even stronger than me.
But no matter how big the opponent, there is always a way. Bigger opponents have bigger target points after all.
I am no longer the kid that would get extremely pissed immediately after losing a game, who's eyes would get red, and he would get just so frustrated. I can hold it in until the proper place. Its still important to hate losing, though. Its important for anyone who wants to compete. But how we deal with it is important.
Perhaps I ran away for nothing in the past. I did stop the attack in time, after all. But ended up kicking myself over it over and over again anyway. And instead of dealing with it, I ran away. Was it so scary? I just became who I trained to be.
I remember the mental walls that were slowly broken down one by one, match after match. Until the day I let reversaling become secondary tactic and let myself become what I had always tried so hard not to become - the aggressor.
There's always something in your gut telling you not to do something, telling you not to go there. And the nearer you approach it, the louder it screams to stop.
Interest is not enough, curiousity is not enough, open-mindedness is not enough. What if one day, you become so desperate, you suddenly have the power to mute that voice?
I can't remember what happened exactly. I remember vaguely that I felt very hot, like all the hairs on my skin were standing, and the blood inside me was rushing 10 times faster than usual. Unimaginable, yet it felt so sick. I knew it would.
I remember how he was lying on the floor, his eyes were rolling backward until you could only see the eye white. They were fanning him, trying to get his headgear off.
They were looking at me as if I had done something wrong, and all I could think of was that he was a sorry loser for letting me score that hit.
I always knew that things would go bad if I ever let him take control. But instead of learning how to control him, I ran away.
Rowing is a safe sport. Even if you lose it, the water can't get hurt. And you're not targetting any person. But its because of these two factors that the simulation will never be the same. I will never know until I try again.
I know that I've grown stronger, so I should be more capable of controlling him. My only fear is that after all this time, he too has become stronger, maybe even stronger than me.
But no matter how big the opponent, there is always a way. Bigger opponents have bigger target points after all.
Training today. Ergo sparring.
For a moment, I thought that I was going to lose to the other monster, Alan. Because... we are tied at height and with respect to body weight, each of his pull should be 22% harder than mine. But alas, like the rest of the team, He thought an ergo set at lvl 10 tension is the same as that of a dragonboat set.
Climbing after that, still can barely complete the yellow route. Sadded. Made a new friend, not a mutt this time, but fellow banana. Nice guy, offered me a ride to newton, and being just too shack, I took him up on it.
He ended up sending me right up to my doorstep which... could be kinda suspicious, but I believe he just did it out of kindness la.
Activated the bishan running party, this time Damien responded and we ran to Prata house and back. Apparantly he also has the habit of hoping he'll spot someone he knows there so can borrow money and chiong prata haha.
Tonight's run was a slow run, 28mins.
Statics:
Crunches
Shit
Pullups
Yes, shitting was part of today's circuit training. wth.
Been asked to go for some lame competition again. Not sure why I'm going with it this time. Maybe just for fun la.
For a moment, I thought that I was going to lose to the other monster, Alan. Because... we are tied at height and with respect to body weight, each of his pull should be 22% harder than mine. But alas, like the rest of the team, He thought an ergo set at lvl 10 tension is the same as that of a dragonboat set.
Climbing after that, still can barely complete the yellow route. Sadded. Made a new friend, not a mutt this time, but fellow banana. Nice guy, offered me a ride to newton, and being just too shack, I took him up on it.
He ended up sending me right up to my doorstep which... could be kinda suspicious, but I believe he just did it out of kindness la.
Activated the bishan running party, this time Damien responded and we ran to Prata house and back. Apparantly he also has the habit of hoping he'll spot someone he knows there so can borrow money and chiong prata haha.
Tonight's run was a slow run, 28mins.
Statics:
Crunches
Shit
Pullups
Yes, shitting was part of today's circuit training. wth.
Been asked to go for some lame competition again. Not sure why I'm going with it this time. Maybe just for fun la.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Tonite's run: 11:55mins.
My calves feel like they are going to tear. Not a good idea to immediately do cycle step for fast speed. Think I'm going to be in trouble tomorrow.
Saw some ah bengs during the run today. Thought they wouldn't get out of my way. Maybe, hoped that they wouldn't. But sure enough, they dodged me. Kind of sad, when you're small they will want to pick a fight with you for the smallest thing like looking at them. But enlarge the target abit, and its as if they don't see you.
Anyway, it was a silly move on my part.
Ironic, isn't it? There are dark people who want to be fair, and fair people who want to get dark. In more ways than one.
I hate being dark, and I don't mean the tan.
My calves feel like they are going to tear. Not a good idea to immediately do cycle step for fast speed. Think I'm going to be in trouble tomorrow.
Saw some ah bengs during the run today. Thought they wouldn't get out of my way. Maybe, hoped that they wouldn't. But sure enough, they dodged me. Kind of sad, when you're small they will want to pick a fight with you for the smallest thing like looking at them. But enlarge the target abit, and its as if they don't see you.
Anyway, it was a silly move on my part.
Ironic, isn't it? There are dark people who want to be fair, and fair people who want to get dark. In more ways than one.
I hate being dark, and I don't mean the tan.
Monday, September 04, 2006
A Jedi tale.
The two jedi masters Keere Jebis and Ngni Diser slowly entered the sandy palace.
The large door shut behind them, cutting off the light from the poorly-lit interior. It was the winter sale season for droids in the hutt palace, and the two jedi required mobile vessels for their highly sensitive jedi equipment.
Keere looked around earnestly. Droids of all shapes and sizes lined the walls. He looked through the various droids and to his dismay realized that there was no stock of red-crystal tinted droids.
"Balkans! None of these droids will match my lightsaber crystal!" Keere let out in frustration.
"Now now, Keere, its better off less people know that your crystal affinity is red
as a jedi master. Besides, you know how the council is always worrying about those who use a red light saber running off and joining the sith." Ngni said, as he proceeded to inspect the droids meticulously.
"tu tu tu, tututu tututtu" A sound could be heard from the other side of the room. The beeping continued as Ngni danced over to the other side of the room like a fairy and located the droid emitting the noise.
"tu tu tu, tututu tututtu" meant "I am meteor shower proof" And this particular droid kept repeating it over and over.
"Oh how cute, this one knows how to advertise." Ngni remarked.
"I dunno Ngni... it sorta looks... like a titanium bag for keeping food warm." Keere said with slight disapproval."
"What? But its so cute! Besides, with such original aesthetic features, I'd be able to locate it instantly if it runs off and tries to hide itself in a droid pile like the last one did." Ngni waved his hand as the droid slowly levitated toward him while continuing to beep.
"Gun gana sa fush garna ka bahgu." Said a voice from further inside the hall, which meant "I can give you a very good price for that one". Emerging from the darkness, it was Jabba the Hutt, slowly crawling forward as he dropped saliva on himself.
"Its incessant beeping is driving my minions out of their mind." Jabba slobbered. "Not that I give a damn, but its not good for customers either. I can go for as low as 200 000 galactic credits."
"What a deal!" Ngni exclaimed as he quickly explored the surface of the droid.
Meanwhile, Keere set his eye on a gargantuan droid.
"Marvelous, with such a big hull, I could force push and pull him like a projectile in battle without having to aim too much." He thought.
"Hey Jabby, give us a discount since we are buying together, will you?" Ngni pulled his droid over to Keere.
"Ho ho ho. You ask for too much, Jedi, greed does not suit you. I will require a sum of no less than 510 000 galactic credits." Jabba slobbered some more.
"You will let us pay 500 000 galactic credits for these droids, no more." Keere said as he waved his hand across Jabba's face.
"Silly Jedi, mind tricks don't work on me! 510 000 galatic credits, no less!" Jabba said as he laughed and slobbered even more.
Keere contemplates testing the projectile function of his new droid on the slug. Sensing this, Ngni quickly turns to him.
"Oh no not again, Yoda's going to bitch if you kill off another merchant." Ngni whispered to Keere.
"Very well." Keere Sighs. "510 000 galactic credits it is."
And so the two Jedi masters make off with their new droids, and Jabba makes off with more credit to get buy more food to get even bigger and waste even more volume in spacetime.
The End.
The two jedi masters Keere Jebis and Ngni Diser slowly entered the sandy palace.
The large door shut behind them, cutting off the light from the poorly-lit interior. It was the winter sale season for droids in the hutt palace, and the two jedi required mobile vessels for their highly sensitive jedi equipment.
Keere looked around earnestly. Droids of all shapes and sizes lined the walls. He looked through the various droids and to his dismay realized that there was no stock of red-crystal tinted droids.
"Balkans! None of these droids will match my lightsaber crystal!" Keere let out in frustration.
"Now now, Keere, its better off less people know that your crystal affinity is red
as a jedi master. Besides, you know how the council is always worrying about those who use a red light saber running off and joining the sith." Ngni said, as he proceeded to inspect the droids meticulously.
"tu tu tu, tututu tututtu" A sound could be heard from the other side of the room. The beeping continued as Ngni danced over to the other side of the room like a fairy and located the droid emitting the noise.
"tu tu tu, tututu tututtu" meant "I am meteor shower proof" And this particular droid kept repeating it over and over.
"Oh how cute, this one knows how to advertise." Ngni remarked.
"I dunno Ngni... it sorta looks... like a titanium bag for keeping food warm." Keere said with slight disapproval."
"What? But its so cute! Besides, with such original aesthetic features, I'd be able to locate it instantly if it runs off and tries to hide itself in a droid pile like the last one did." Ngni waved his hand as the droid slowly levitated toward him while continuing to beep.
"Gun gana sa fush garna ka bahgu." Said a voice from further inside the hall, which meant "I can give you a very good price for that one". Emerging from the darkness, it was Jabba the Hutt, slowly crawling forward as he dropped saliva on himself.
"Its incessant beeping is driving my minions out of their mind." Jabba slobbered. "Not that I give a damn, but its not good for customers either. I can go for as low as 200 000 galactic credits."
"What a deal!" Ngni exclaimed as he quickly explored the surface of the droid.
Meanwhile, Keere set his eye on a gargantuan droid.
"Marvelous, with such a big hull, I could force push and pull him like a projectile in battle without having to aim too much." He thought.
"Hey Jabby, give us a discount since we are buying together, will you?" Ngni pulled his droid over to Keere.
"Ho ho ho. You ask for too much, Jedi, greed does not suit you. I will require a sum of no less than 510 000 galactic credits." Jabba slobbered some more.
"You will let us pay 500 000 galactic credits for these droids, no more." Keere said as he waved his hand across Jabba's face.
"Silly Jedi, mind tricks don't work on me! 510 000 galatic credits, no less!" Jabba said as he laughed and slobbered even more.
Keere contemplates testing the projectile function of his new droid on the slug. Sensing this, Ngni quickly turns to him.
"Oh no not again, Yoda's going to bitch if you kill off another merchant." Ngni whispered to Keere.
"Very well." Keere Sighs. "510 000 galactic credits it is."
And so the two Jedi masters make off with their new droids, and Jabba makes off with more credit to get buy more food to get even bigger and waste even more volume in spacetime.
The End.
Redid my desktop again, this time with sleeker and easier to look at designs and a cooling color. At first the scheme looked abit dull, but abit of photoshop and editting to the coding, and viola.
Best part is that I now have 4 times the workspace because the scripting allows for toggling between 4 seperate desktop areas.
The music's not coming. Just another listless day.
Had sleeping sickness again last night. Not like I can run anyway with my right calf still so sore from the 14km.
Best part is that I now have 4 times the workspace because the scripting allows for toggling between 4 seperate desktop areas.
The music's not coming. Just another listless day.
Had sleeping sickness again last night. Not like I can run anyway with my right calf still so sore from the 14km.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Sometimes, no matter how well you plan something, something will come along and screw everything up. The best plan is a flexible one.
When people say that outfield brings the worse out of people, they couldn't be more right. I knew I wasn't seeing the whole picture, but to find out that those who are supposed to be working closest to you had so many hidden agendas... its just disappointing. And the two other heads throwing responsibility back and forth was illaudable.
Its sad, how much duplicity was uncovered in those few hours. War is ugly, everyone fights for survival. And now, more than ever, I know that in times of crisis, don't count on the people whom you are told to count on.
I refuse to accept that people will only help you if it serves to help themselves in the future, directly or indirectly.
But sometimes, its just so hard.
When people say that outfield brings the worse out of people, they couldn't be more right. I knew I wasn't seeing the whole picture, but to find out that those who are supposed to be working closest to you had so many hidden agendas... its just disappointing. And the two other heads throwing responsibility back and forth was illaudable.
Its sad, how much duplicity was uncovered in those few hours. War is ugly, everyone fights for survival. And now, more than ever, I know that in times of crisis, don't count on the people whom you are told to count on.
I refuse to accept that people will only help you if it serves to help themselves in the future, directly or indirectly.
But sometimes, its just so hard.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Training today went better than usual. Less interruptions -_-;.
Did the 30-30-30 exercise. Result was slightly less than what I had estimated. Purposely used the heavier boat to try and handicap myself but they were still not up to par. There was one set when I was forced to pull harder to maintain relative position, but other than that, still have some way to go.
Anyway, all the shouting to try and make sure all boats could hear the commands... made my throat a little sore... feels so familiar. Luckily I was using mostly diaphragm. Felt so much like yelling at times, out of frustration when things were moving too slowly.
But no matter what, I still know better. Been there, done that. I've been that jackass dictator that would scream and knock everyone down if the line wasn't straight, or if someone fidgeted. That was what discipline meant to us back then, because that was how we were taught, so it was how we thought worked best. Its funny how a tkd class can be more scary than any officer's tekan session.
To force things to be done, it works. But its a system on the path to inefficiency from day one. Force someone to do something and he will give you 80%. Let him be the one to choose to do it, and he will give you 100%.
Besides, right now, I don't need them to see that side of me. Because I dread him the most.
Did the 30-30-30 exercise. Result was slightly less than what I had estimated. Purposely used the heavier boat to try and handicap myself but they were still not up to par. There was one set when I was forced to pull harder to maintain relative position, but other than that, still have some way to go.
Anyway, all the shouting to try and make sure all boats could hear the commands... made my throat a little sore... feels so familiar. Luckily I was using mostly diaphragm. Felt so much like yelling at times, out of frustration when things were moving too slowly.
But no matter what, I still know better. Been there, done that. I've been that jackass dictator that would scream and knock everyone down if the line wasn't straight, or if someone fidgeted. That was what discipline meant to us back then, because that was how we were taught, so it was how we thought worked best. Its funny how a tkd class can be more scary than any officer's tekan session.
To force things to be done, it works. But its a system on the path to inefficiency from day one. Force someone to do something and he will give you 80%. Let him be the one to choose to do it, and he will give you 100%.
Besides, right now, I don't need them to see that side of me. Because I dread him the most.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Its funny,
About one and a half year ago, just one bar on a shoulder would be a scary sight. In bmt, your pc was like some big shit.
Yet today in that conference room of captains, majors and lieutenant kernals, I felt at home, with friends. All ready to smile and help each other, for what? Friendship? Country? Money? Favour from superiors? I don't know. What drives a regular at that level is something I would rather not probe into. But among the biggest smile, there was one who was holding a dagger, ready to pounce at me when the time was right.
Dissapointed that he would underestimate me so much. Whatever psychological tricks and games you think you are playing with me is useless. Because even though you took years learning how to do, I've been practicing it out of sick amusement in the past. You may have been able to fool everyone else, but you can't fool me. I haven't lost the ability to detect a feint through an opponent's eyes.
And regardless of what you think your status means, I can move more things around the battalion than you can ever imagine and cut you off in your tracks.
I would hate to have to turn the tables on him. Really. Battling with him on so many levels every time we clashed has taught me so many things, and I am grateful. You can only learn some things when faced with a very strong opponent.
I can forgive you twice, but on the third strike, its game over for you. CSM didn't give me my callsign just because of my sport. A dragon looks scary but is docile and harmless. That is until you piss it off.
Met a client after that in town. It was nice of him to pacify me and be just super nice. Really needed it.
Heh... trouble brewing. And I need sleep bad. Can feel the waves again.
Big day on sunday. I suppose I should treasure my last outfield experience. Probably the last chance for me to wear my jungle hat... which I ironically just got replaced.
About one and a half year ago, just one bar on a shoulder would be a scary sight. In bmt, your pc was like some big shit.
Yet today in that conference room of captains, majors and lieutenant kernals, I felt at home, with friends. All ready to smile and help each other, for what? Friendship? Country? Money? Favour from superiors? I don't know. What drives a regular at that level is something I would rather not probe into. But among the biggest smile, there was one who was holding a dagger, ready to pounce at me when the time was right.
Dissapointed that he would underestimate me so much. Whatever psychological tricks and games you think you are playing with me is useless. Because even though you took years learning how to do, I've been practicing it out of sick amusement in the past. You may have been able to fool everyone else, but you can't fool me. I haven't lost the ability to detect a feint through an opponent's eyes.
And regardless of what you think your status means, I can move more things around the battalion than you can ever imagine and cut you off in your tracks.
I would hate to have to turn the tables on him. Really. Battling with him on so many levels every time we clashed has taught me so many things, and I am grateful. You can only learn some things when faced with a very strong opponent.
I can forgive you twice, but on the third strike, its game over for you. CSM didn't give me my callsign just because of my sport. A dragon looks scary but is docile and harmless. That is until you piss it off.
Met a client after that in town. It was nice of him to pacify me and be just super nice. Really needed it.
Heh... trouble brewing. And I need sleep bad. Can feel the waves again.
Big day on sunday. I suppose I should treasure my last outfield experience. Probably the last chance for me to wear my jungle hat... which I ironically just got replaced.
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