Dinner and super long chat with CM just now.

Explored the hidden food secrets... I can't he made such an awesome finding in the basement haha. I made one of my own too.

I think that among the safsa group, he is the most driven by his inferiority complexes.

On DL's side, probably the most blessed, and hence, the least driven because there is no inferiority complex to challenge him? Or so it seems, because if there is no active or passive, there is a hidden. But what drives him mad is that he himself has no clue as to what it is.

On NG's side, he's blessed too, smart guy, don't need to study too hard, perhaps? Or a facade? From my account, there is but one active, one passive, and one hidden. The active is the... size. Most common, physique, not that big a deal actually. The passive, could be amplified by the trauma of being bullied and ganked, leading to the outbursts of "road rage". The hidden... well, I won't log it today.

On CM's side, I see alot of similarities to myself. Study wise, physique wise, the desire to prove himself. He is probably the most driven because he is only just beginning to realize what he is capable of, and wants to explore that.

Not sure? We were just speculating. Of course the only ones who would have a clear account of their history and any inferiority complexes would be they themselves. Its something to think about, is it not?

On my side, the drive is waning. I think I challenged them early on... in studies, in music, in confidence among huge crowds, in public speaking, in socio-manipulation and psycho-manipulation, in climbing up social ladders and hierarchy, in sports, fighting, physique, has made me forget somewhat about the spirit of the "fight".

Or perhaps it was because I let that drive fuel me so much and deeply into that thing in the past, that I trapped myself, got myself into deeper shit than I thought possible, and wanted to run away.

It wasn't just the fighting and being afraid of what I would do to the people around me and how I would deal with the consequences of my actions. It was the disgust of the people around me, which CM is experiencing at the moment. When you can read people, really read people, then everything changes.


We are lucky to be unblessed. Because by being challenged by our inferiority complexes, we derive the drive to dream for more for ourselves. But the drive must be channeled wisely.

There are times when I think back about that incident with the 3 of them. Or that 1 guy. What would a normal person have done? Would he have apologized or ran?

I remember... I was trying to think of what to do, but I knew I had to do it before they did anything. And then my blood was rushing so fast it felt like it was on fire as I did what came instinctively. Its happened countless times before in the past. After the bow, you can wait for him to make the first attack so that you can counter, but you can't play the counter game forever. You need to make the attack as fast as possible so that he can't see it coming. So that he won't be able to react.

It will hurt.

I don't want to hurt.

I need to stop him first.

Make him hurt instead.


I may die.

I don't want to die.

I need to stop him first.

Let him die instead.


Running away or apologizing was never an available option.

I wish not to relive anymore of this part of my past. Its dark and I don't like it. As silly as it sounds I just want to keep moving towards the light right now.

The reason why I want to learn muay thai is to reconfigure my reflexes and to learn how to attack in a non-lethal and safer manner.



Let me just record down CM's ever-comical depictions of people.

NG is like some demon constantly on the prowl, ever trying to influence and darken DL.

DL is like got the light from heaven shine down on him, slowly glowing and making the dark patches from the demon NG peel away, but NG keeps pulling him.

RK is like the father in the church, always very calm and wise then suddenly leap out and slash and kill people.

wth?



The reason I blog is to way-point my journey through emotional quotient enlightenment. Self psycho-analysis is an important part of growing. I suppose I don't mind a couple of close friends coming along for the ride and learning as well because...


I'm learning from them as well.


The noble part of me says its only right to give back if you take.

There have been alot of daring fags... but this is the first time one tried to pick me up on the short route from gym to home.

Kudos to him for catching up to me at my warp 4 "strut" speed though :p


Bike was damn fun today.

Think I went past 50kmph today... tot they would limit those bikes wth? Could keep up with the express group which consisted of ppl with bike experience? Not sure if throttle clutching louis' bike for 50cm counts as bike experience for me though... My sucky bike had a slanted crash frame and weird clutch.

BUT THE STUPID INSTUCTOR ONLY GAVE ME AND NN 2 STAMPS! Damn sad. Lesson one only 50% completed. Which is like a fail? I've never frickin failed a test since how long? Since I can't remember la wtf. I can't believe he smiled when he said we're still on lesson one next time... so creepy!


The new diet sucks. I used to get hungry often, but now I get very hungry oftener :(

Had a funny dream. Hands covered in blood. But there wasn't any fighting.

Not sure if I was supposed to be scared or what, I was just staring and wondering why it was like that.

Reminds me of that time... all my knuckles looked shredded, there was blood dripping everywhere, and that wasn't a dream.

A sign? I dunno.

When I first started sparring last time, I prayed that I wouldn't become like either of the brothers.

One having died while sparring.

The other having to live with the fact that he killed his own brother in a spar.

Which was worse?

But as time goes by, you don't forget the inherent dangers, you just ignore them. Or it will prevent you from performing.

Which would probably be the worse thing to do on a bike.

Yeah, stay safe la.


Anyway, I montaged the ultimate wallpaper in photoshop today.


Cool shit. Too bad I can only upload the low res version here.

Was still freaking stoned at the dojo.

Hitting a punching bag around is damn boring shit.

I need to hit something in direct contact to another person at least la. Pad work is more fun.

Was quite disappointed during the easy sparring, the guys really got no confidence against another person. All still too green except one. The look in his eyes said it all.

Nothing angry or fierce, just an assuring and playful look that said "come on, lets brawl."

Ironically the most promising of this batch isn't singaporean. Typical Singaporean students got no fighting spirit! But no matter, I'll help the rest wake up...

I almost fell asleep during break... Think I really need to hit the sack or else tml fall off motorbike.

Some gym attendants are such discourteous snobbish little faggots, I'm afraid to make contact with them too often less something happen to them.

Some thing's wrong. I've been feeling extremely easily agitated and impatient recently, and have been shifting in and out of that mood.

Hope its not because I've missed practice for so long, because if it is, then the addiction may be worse than I thought.

Its a little fun, because usually I'm in total control of my emotions.

But if I'm flying blind I may run into hazardous clouds again.

Tonight's run: 11:44mins

Not too good, not too bad.

Getting into the habit of doing some light stretching before training nowadays... as all sorts of sprains have been occurring in the legs last week.

Muscle underneath the shin bone still pain, so couldn't cycle step, had to use the old technique for running instead.

Last 400m, pain came back. Ignored it and deployed mind over body self-psyche nonsense until almost threw up at last 100m, then at the end it hurt like hell.

Sigh. I really should fix this soon.


One-eyed fatty made me miss practice today... but it was worth it for the shopping and movie. Even if it was kiddy. Haiz... what to do... go out with kid, watch kiddy show bah. Hahaha


Alot of shows I come across nowadays have a common message:

"You don't have to be pursue or be stuck in the status quo."
"You have a choice to live your life outside of society's conventions."

Its a pretty deep message for a kiddy show, but even the feature film that I'm currently working on has this message.

The presentation may be simpler, but movies like the matrix have similar messages, and even star wars tickles the viewer with the thought that there may be more mysterious and interesting things out there.

I suppose its an easy message to relate to.

If you were the smart guy in school, chances are you were out casted by direct peers because you couldn't fit in.

If you fit in well, chances are you had so much fun that you couldn't develop proper study habits and ended up out casted by the grading system.

If you had the both of both worlds, chances are you hope that everyone will keep believing in that image of yourself and you hope that no one will find out your hidden insecurity.

But in all of these cases, its so easy to concede and run back to your forte. The smart guy will go back to studying and do even better. The slacker will go out and have more fun, the have-it-all will go on pretending.

Few dare to challenge themselves to break out of their circle of power - until its much later in life, late teens, perhaps. By then, its often late, but not too late.

Early on, I discovered that I could be whoever I wanted to be. I could break out into whatever weakness I saw.

My musically talented family, and me being the ostracized nonsensical grade one piano banger. Condemned by snobbish and immature grade eight sister at the time, and disapproving mother. I hated playing the piano, because they would insult me.

So I practiced when no one was home, and at school. And I made it to be the first self-taught and grade one president of the school piano ensemble, composing arranging and performing for school musicals.

I never had a knack for studies. Because I preferred computer games and had very poor study habits from young.

So I rose up through class and beat the GP students.

I was bullied for my small size when young.

So I learned how to defend myself. Perhaps this point went a bit overboard la.

I was mischievous and ill-disciplined when young, always on the wrong side of the school "law".

So I learned how to work the system to my advantage, and work people to my advantage, and headed the prefectorial board student council.

I hated the monotony of the standard education route, and hated the stupidity of everyone who followed along blindly because of convention or friends.

So I hatched an elaborate plan to begin a journey of self-discovery.

I was a small shit in school. And was the weakest in the team.

So I joined the dragonboat team. And yearned to be the pillar of support for the team.

The list could go on and on.

But breaking out of convention, becomes a convention for me.

And ultimately, I am stuck in square one, boxed in by myself. A hypocrite to my own cause.

Is my path one that is true to myself? Or one that I chose just because I detested being plain or normal?




Its stupid to get direction from around you or society.

But I fear waking up one day, unable to give myself direction.

Then, I will not know what to do.




But life is an ever-changing challenge, is it not?

I'll never forget his quote:
"A man is great because of his dream"

Dreams dare us to achieve something that we don't have.

I take pride in being the most daring person I know in this aspect.

But dares always lead to bigger, more risky dares. I will have to stop one day.

And when that day comes, I don't know if I will be able to learn how to be content.

Perhaps that the simplest, yet most challenging dare for me.

One thing I hate about doing soundtracks based on scripts is the fact that you can't do it based on logic.

Direction and target emotions in a track are things that you must keep in mind, but the problem is composition requires feeling more than thought. And these two things are often opposite sides of the magnet.

So you have to go in and "feel" for the story, which is firstly, damn tiring. Secondly, its very easy to over exaggerate, or fall far away from the direction of the scene in the first place.

Godamnit.

Ughhh I just need to o and bash things up in the dojo later.

sat:

Quick gym at bishan before lunch at raffles town club with parents.

I think 'fine' dining is quite a waste of money...

37 bucks for my austrlian lamb chop... can buy one volcom singlet wtf...

Especially when the serving is so pathetic... like for a dieting gu niang!

Luckily the parent's appetite sucks. Its funny how lamb, beef and venison looks the same, but tastes so different.

Anyway this baby was parked at the mezzanine floor for display.

How chio is that.


Sun:

Wardrobe level up times dunno what la. All the shit and waiting time and nonsense finally paid off halfway when we get to keep the shoes and random rubbish from the shows.

Everlast sneakers: Damn nice la.
Everlast shoe bag: got extra.
Boxing glove keychains: rare. Got extra.

New balance slippers: Yet another pair of slippers... hooray.
N574 Limited Edition dark green camou: I was heng to get the limited edition version of the currently unreleased (?) N574. But I really hate the color.


The N577, N560 and N574 classic and limited edition for the show in attica.

So yeah, and I'm so sleepy wtf.

I'd hate to piss myself off.

Then again, if I was under attack by myself as someone else, I wouldn't know how scary it really is because I wouldn't know that I was planning the attack in the first place.


Sometimes some people just push too far. He may have gotten away with emotional manipulation quite often, but it doesn't quite work against someone who can seal his emotions.

I hate it when people try to smudge the line between professionalism and personal relationship. Its sad that he doesn't know what it means to call someone ti or kor.

I guess it was high time to sway the balance of power in this relationship to my favor, and I'm quite liking it.




That aside, met another promiscuous female model. Her friends are very proactive... think some girls are way more daring than guys sometimes.

Its been a long time since I could get down to some serious posting. But now that I have full control over the security of this journal, I suppose I can filter a little less.


Up to this point, I'm still unsure whether getting back into the ring was a good idea or not.

Having an outlet into a "controlled environment" seems like a logical thing to do. A little ice cream every once in a awhile is better than downing a whole small tub of haagan daz in a day... that's 64grms of fat which is about 2.5 times the recommended daily fat intake wtf.

Are some sins okay if committed in moderation?

All I know is I feel more at peace now. No more do I look around and heighten my senses or look for potential threats. No more do I feel like whacking things.

I know its not "normal behavior", but with respect to the fact that everyone is different, everyone is capable of different things, and everyone has different desires, experiences, memories and trauma, drawing a circle around any group with the purpose of deriving an averaged or normal set of standards doesn't seem like a very easy task.

Hoho I try to justify.

That night when I felt my fist clench and suddenly become light. When the pupils in his twisted eyes widen, then fade to nothing. And all danger I sense from him dissipated as he slumped to the ground. I felt insanely powerful.

Here was a sorry shit who thought he could mess with me. But I stood up for myself.

But I was also scared, because I knew that it wasn't me who disabled him.

I know how to throw a punch. I know how to image it, how to aim it, and how to execute it. But that night, I only felt the tightening, and then it was over. The conscious stages of the sequence were missing. And I knew that he had taken over again. But I was lucky wake up before anything else happened.

Reaction is always faster than thought. By the time you think, you're dead. Second nature reflexes is something that must be trained and mastered.

But what if something along the line, something happened, and the controlling pathway to your reflexes get hijacked by something else?


They say the harder the metal, the higher the temperature is required to mold it.

And so long ago, the fire was so hot, that all the other alloys melted away, uncovering something that shouldn't have been uncovered.

The normal incentives are anger, frustration, stress, disappointment.

But what if you were forced to go further? Desperation? Survival?

However I will run away no more. This 'problem' has only came back to haunt me again and again.

I hear his voice sometimes during training. But every time I hear him now, I can ignore him. And I know that I am stronger. There's a difference between running away from that voice, and acknowledging him, but choosing another course of action.




Crazy eyed doll asked an interesting question today. Why did my junior become the team captain before me?

It was because I ran away from the problem.

In disappointment and frustration at the team at that time, I joined canoeing. I took the loner and selfish way out. The way I was always so used to. The way that kept me safer, made me less vulnerable.

Instead of trying to help the team, I went out to fight my own battle in my own boat. I knew that I trained harder than anyone else in the team, and deserved at least to go for a race or get a medal back, or have a damn chance at a medal. And so I let Jem and Jon try to pull things together on their own.

But they were still inexperienced. And I regret to say that had I stayed to fight alongside them, the team wouldn't have had so many problems.

Its all in the past now. There are times when I see him and am reminded of the guilt of bailing on them. But I also know that they would never be able to understand how I would feel, because they did not go through the same things I did earlier on with the team.

Perhaps that is part of the reason why I went back in the end to make things right for the team. To rebuild everything I hated. To change everything I detested.

There are leaders who will read and follow the manual. And there are leaders who read then rewrite the stupid fucking manual.

Perhaps there can only be one 'team' for me. They were my team. Sad to say, not the current one. They were my brothers, and we were all united and close. No small groups here and there, no stupid politics. I had made sure that there was none of that. We accepted each other for who we were.

Perhaps it was because I was so attached to that team, that I cannot fully accept the current one. Maybe I'm afraid of the hurt when I leave them.

I remember the night that I told the team that I was invited to join the national team. It was the hardest debrief to make. Though I knew it was the right time to leave them. I had mentored and trained the new exco for long enough, and knew that they were more than capable.

The nteam was something worth looking up to back then. Nothing at all like the current state sad to say.

And despite the previous plans, I cannot find the energy to expand into reforming it at the moment.



I'd like to believe that no matter good you are, you can't stay in front and lead forever. Energy must be recovered.

Maybe right now I just need to get back to fighting my own battles again.



As long as you are holding on to something, you cannot grasp anything new.

As long as you are making a fist, you cannot hold on to anything.


Things I can tell other people so easily, yet find so hard to do.

So I finally did the nerdy thing and upgraded to firefox2 and thunderbird.

To my horror.... being a lazy ass with your own domain and infinite email capacity... with an inbox filled with messages dated back to 2004 with attachments of scripts, engines, music, videos and all sorts of rubbish will cause quite a long waiting time while thunderbird tries to import folders over.

I just cleared out all messages until this feb, and thats like 1117 messages.

Here's to less nonsense on the computer.


In other news... an upgrading of keyboard and mouse may be required... one week till SITEX 2006.

I can't remember when the last time I really needed a "rest day" from training was.

But today would be the most likely case.

My legs... no... everywhere seems to have taken so much damage in the past few days that its gone past aching. Its like my body is just tired of telling me that it hurts.

But logic dictates that if I do anything past this limit, something's going to go bust.


Its a nice feeling actually.

I forgot what it was like to hurt like this. Probably missed it. When you're so conditioned to something and it doesn't hurt anymore, part of the fun or satisfaction is gone.

I have... 4 horror movies to study. Wtf.

Now I'm not the type to be scared by horror films, like some pansy, but the aftertaste of the last one I watched was pretty sick. I can't imagine watching 4 of these.

As miss vendetta would say...

"NO STUPID PEOPLE ALLOWED."

Kekekek.

Gym is kinda boring nowadays, thanks to some bugger taking extended mc.

Work is slow nowadays because I get sleepy spells. Difficult to train even at night because once I get home after training in the evenings I'm so shacked. Friday I was typing something on the computer, next thing I know its morning and I'm on the bed, and I manage to shower ew. Yesterday same case, but at least I showered before hitting the computer.

Town is ever bustling. Why are there so many people? Don't all these people have anything better to do?! I-Models is ever persistent. Today's guy was extremely fast and to the point. Not bad.

I think I have a brilliant idea to get people to do surveys. If I ever go into that field the surveyors will chock up a huge number of surveys.

Training was fun. heheh. SN is a crazy sadist la, which is good, because then i can be a crazy sadist too and train harder.

Had supper at ksl with him after that. I think I'm a bad influence to him about ns. But looking back, at what I had to give up, and how much it hurt to pursue my goal, I can say it was worth it. To play my own game and be able to test out so many things and ideas.

Basically it boils down to whether you know what you want to do. If the vessel is empty, people can pour all sorts of shit into it.

Of course you better hope that if there's something inside in the first place, it better be worth keeping or you might as well empty it.

And there will always be people who want to play certain games with you with certain systems. Not alot of people can find the way to play too, and eventually win.

So I went anyway.

Cannot walk properly + lots and lots of yoko yoko + grit teeth = temporary functionality restored!

Punching is frickin tiring la. Thank god I'm better off zoning.

Anyway, I still insist that dota teaches more about tactical cunning, strategy and teamwork than any jcats exercise.

The army should put it into syllabus, instead of spending several million buying an outdated buggy out-phased software from a certain country.

Best thing is, they won't have to fork out alot of cash. Just ask the guys to bring their home version of wc3.

Hohoho.

Day three of the aftermath...

And I STILL can't frickin walk properly!

This is the worse in a long long time. Think I won't be able to go for practice tonight like this ;_;

Been having second thoughts about getting back into that.

But I believe that I've grown to have greater control, mental toughness, and discipline . Three things that were lacking so many years ago.

Things will be different now.

Whatever, drills until friday, where I'll know for sure.

Long run tonite with the slightly less-fat hamster: 24mins

It is indeed stupid that I can do a slow run in only a little pain, whereas walking normally is more challenging.

Makes me wonder if I should slow run from place to place instead of walk.

I suppose I shouldn't gotten too rev'd up during yesterday's session.

Restructuring messenger is a huge pain in the ass. Especially when you have 417 contacts.

Who the hell has 417 contacts?!

And its quite sad that I have forgotten who the heck a vast majority of these people are.


Woah... lack of sleep is making cannot thinking porperly and type in proper engrish.

ZZzzz...

Zm thought I fought for the adrenaline rush. I suppose that could be the case for alot of the guys there, I can recognize it in their eyes.

It used to be the case for me. But now, I do it for the opposite.

I suppose tomorrow is supposed to be yet another culminating point. Is it that important to be recognized for your contributions?

I suppose in some organizations where there is no monetary incentive, recognition is all that can be offered.

Quite sad when you think about this, and think that you're far better off with money instead.

Perhaps the enjoyment is just sapped out of it all when its not the real you who will be receiving the praise, but another ideal image.

Okay, lack of sleep is making me utter rubbish.

ZZZZzzz...

Tonite's run: 11:23 mins

Not the best timing, but at least closer than last time. The pace a little cock up because got one fat mohawked hamster stomping and breathing down my neck. But it was some much welcomed pressure.

Had to use the old running technique tonite because calves are damn suan from yesterday's run. That means I probably worsened the damn shin splints doh.

Very seh. Ironically I still haven't been getting enough sleep because of very stupid reasons.

Phone to be set to silent mode during bed time. -_-

Tonight's run: 24 mins long slow run.



Sometimes the only way to face your fear is to overcome it.


I can't keep running away from him forever.





Its always nice to meet a fan. Quite suprised at the quality of work. Pacing, script, and concept is strong.

Funny how we somehow talked about direction in life. He also noticed the vast majority of people without a clue as to what they want to do.

Not their fault, really. Give a person a goal, and he'll be too lazy to think of one for himself.

Then he'll be too used to depending on people or systems giving him direction. Dependant on the system without even realizing it.

Let him excel in it, and he will think that he has achieved something in your web. And once you have tapped into his pride to be used in your system, he will not want to think of anything else, for one of his innermost desires would have been fulfilled.

Tonight's run: 12:05 mins

Worse timing in forever. But it was good. Despite the aches from kicking and screaming and rowing and cramps. I can't remember when was the last time I dared to run so hard and just die out instead of maintaining properly for the run. Not caring.

And faintly, somewhere inside my head, I heard 'his' voice.

The one I tried so hard to block out, that after awhile, he eventually became soft to the point of silent.

Its scary. Because they might think that the dog might be scary in some ways. But they haven't seen shit until they saw him.

And I see so much potential in the dog, because I recognize so much of that in what I was so long ago. He's luckier in so many ways, though.

I can't say that I was suprised in the result of the partner. This was what I suspected, and the pairing would be more optimal.




As for results. I've never been more proud and dissapointed/pissed at the same time.

In a fair race with PROPER LANES, STANDARDIZED BOATS and UNBIASED CURRENT, the teams that rode on lady luck's smile today wouldn't be too happy.

Teams that should have won, didn't. Teams that were 'wtf' standard, did. And teams of 'ok' standard that rode on luck and pulled through.

I don't know why the community continues to support this kind of screwed up races, but I guess its just another stupid screwed up traditional race which we all accept to be screwed up and just go and try our luck in.

Worse is when those who don't know any better, those who do not understand the waters and conditions, actually consider it a fair race, and take the results for face value.

This race result is a celebration of luck.

It was so hard not being able to tell them some things. When the equation works out to be so screwed up because of the godamn variable, but you can only hope and pray for a miracle.

They had a 10 degree wash advantage and we beat them. But once they had more of an advantage, we couldn't make up.

I suppose we still weren't good enough if we couldn't make up for the handicap.











But in the end, I found the team that I always wanted.

Why does it always take a crappy race for me to wake up.

Where did the excitement of racing go to?

Guess I'm getting 'over-seasoned'. I was never one to get overly-jittery, but this level of numbness kinda sucks. Kinda difficult to pull myself away from the logical thing to do and follow my gut.

Results were as calculated again... despite the bloody variable. Even the sucky starts (why?! why?!).

The variable is really damn irritating, think I'll have to use a pos X trigger instead of a stateno trigger tomorrow.

Oh well, the best plan is a flexible one, with contingencies after all.

The stupid drug... seemed to amplify my godamn flu today la.


Saw the padawan today. Took the charm from him. I know he wishes I'd be around more often, but as long as I stayed there, he wouldn't have enough space to expand his wings.

It was the hardest lesson to learn. It may be nice to have them depend on you, but if they do too much, and you leave, then they're screwed. Dependancy is a weakness. And as much as it would boost your ego and make you feel more powerful, if you really give a damn about them, you won't screw them over like that. For me, you would be a much better leader if you would teach them how to survive. Teach them how to fish, right Ben? If you can do that, then screw the result, you've succeeded in deeper and more meaningful ways.

Thats why this system was formed. But right now, the future of this team looks to be even more challenged. Because unlike last time, the candidates are showing far less potential in a very critical area. Though that combination in the system just might work.



Tomorrow shall be interesting indeed.

Wearing so many masks that you sometimes forget which one is the real you.

Or perhaps the best one for each occasion is the real you.


Hearing him talk about doing those things stung.

Perhaps because I walked down that path once But the more you walk, the deeper you go, until you get lost in the darkness. Talking about walking it and actually being there is totally different.

Am I worried? Concerned?

Perhaps I'm worried that I've walked so far down that path, that in the darkness, I thought that I have made my way out, but in actuality, I'm still inside.

If you believe in the happy mask, you will smile, and underneath the masked smile is a genuine smile.

If you believe in the evil mask, your face will contort, and underneath that evil mask is an evil expression.



Being passionate about reaffirming oneself to the point of being socially correct yet incorrigible is a double-edged sword. Perhaps one day the under-lying meaning will surface. Though at times, one's ego can be the strongest shield.


The day that you do not have to reaffirm yourself, is the day that you have truly found what you are searching for. That's one lesson I learnt the hard way.


The point was not to accept the sentence, it was to to see if the subject could remain quiet and control his excitement when his ego was on the line.

GG.

Tonight's run: 11:45mins

Lousy but at least better than last time.

Now that my baby is back home I can start some secret training at home again.

Its been 8 months, hopefully that injury is healed for good this time and I can finally work on strengthening that final weak point.

This is a new start.

What is it about closetted people that makes them scary?

Perhaps when people suspect that a mask or decoy is there, they become insecure as to the authenticity of the relationship.

Perhaps in this aspect, I might probably the scariest person I know.

Weirdos have to worry about their sexuality. Not that I have a problem there... give me a french babe anytime huhuhu.

I have to worry about so many other things.

What I might do, and what I might not do.

What if the instincts return.

Or what if he somehow takes over me again.

I can't believe a dog triggered it this time. Left arm push block, right arm striking position while searching for target, all simultaneously. For a second, the thought of knife handing through the metal grilling and into it's eye flashed into my mind before I consciously cut it off and easied the arms.

Recent events have not been good for me. Then again I suppose that I should be thankful.

Would it be better to be bullied as a nerd and have that inferiority complex fuel the drive to improve oneself?

Or would it be better to be able to stop the bullies, at the cost of being a potential threat to friends and family?

Ironically, the first was the path to the second.

People with gender issues have it easy. But perhaps in a way, we all have something to hide. Some secrets darker than others.

We all have faces that we don't want people to see, don't we?

They may know about him, but rumours are harmless. Until they see his face and realize just how scary he is.


There have been those who have tried to control the monster. But end up having the tables turned on them.

The only one who can stop him, is the one who made him.



DOA 3 today. The move priorities are based on the triangular module instead of the linear module which I am more used to. Collision boxes aren't tied down properly for upper regions during crouching stances, which is quite silly, but works for their triangular module again.

Was quite suprised to see the stupid hamster slowly learning to avoid the zoning traps that I set up. He can think afterall... managed to draw with me in the end on my first day with this engine, quite impressive. Was occupied trying to understand the counter/reversal system towards the end, though. Failure experiment...

He would make a good dota player, though not sure if he would be able to match up to zic. Intelligence and cunning are seperate attributes afterall, even if they may be linked.

If alcohol gives normally quiet people the confidence to speak and be sociable... it does the complete opposite to me.

I hate stuttering and catching myself saying the wrong things.

Adw's drunken state is the safest and most comical. Imagine this huge guy breaking out in random high pitched giggles. Frickin hilarious.

Anyway I'm sort of losing my patience with weirdo fags. I swear the next asshole who tries to follow me around or randomly touches me is going to get a nice suprise instead of my usual politically correct turn down. I guess I was never the sort to get into an argument into stupid things. Just straight down to the point.

Girls are still always welcome though. :p

I can't believe she did that to me on the stage... just thinking about it is enough to... hahaha




Gym today. For some reason I remembered those solemn days in school during lunch break when I would sprint to the weights room or gym then rush back for lecture/tutorial. None of the classmates understood. But they were all geeks/nerds to begin with... :p

I miss school godamnit.

Sometimes it scares me that that may be the only reason why I want to go to uni.

Nothing wrong with wanting to go and play anyway! Huhuhu.



Feeling creative today. Nobuo's music is inspirational. Its sad that I still have to depend on his music to kick start my creative drive. Is there such a thing is creative independance?

I suppose as matter cannot be created nor destroyed, the same thing could probably be said about the creative constant.


[stateno 9999] creative drive
type = varadd
trigger1 = ((inspiration > 0 && source = 1) || (random idea > 0 && frustration != 0))
v= 23; creative constant
value = ifelse(inspiration > 0, (inspiration), (random idea)

Interesting observation by the dog... some people complain and detest certain types of people, but end up becoming like them themselves.

How suddenly people's priorities can change. How easily they conform. But I suppose their resentment in the first place was brought about by envy. Those who are victimized, have only themselves to blame for allowing themselves to be victimized in the first place.

Perhaps not everyone has the strength afterall.

O sour grapes, I do scorn
For in my youth I could not reach you
But now that I have grown
How sweet you taste in my mouth.

This isn't a rant to ease my frustration, rather, a worry for myself. These few days I have been faced with the painful realization that I have also been tempted to become that which I look down upon.

I guess in the end, the only difference is, what I expected of myself in the first place, was probably much higher.

Same thing during school juggling 3 ccas and an insane workload. How easy it would have been to give all the excuses that I have heard and resented for so long. But I knew that these people succumed to using those excuses only because they were less capable.

I call the shots in my life, if any of my priorities starts controlling me, then I will take back the mastership and get back in control. No way in hell am I going to be forced to do something.

A man is great because of his dream, right, hong? No point having a dream that so many people have achieved already. That, to me is boring shit. An uncreative goal set by uncreative people.


Today's race sets with the unis.

Relieved to see our performance within calculation, amused to see the other teams performance within calculation as well.

First secret weapon taught today.

Next one comes next week.




Abit drunk tonight.

Wanted to see things through the eyes of ...

Champaign, Jug, screw driver, sex on the beach, and other nonsensical names. Whoever comes out with these names should be shot.

Drinking shots just because its someone's birthday is the weirdest excuse to get someone to drink. Yet moronically it works. Amazing!


Then the knee arn dragonboaters scheming to get me drunk haha.

Own was wasted, but he gave me a lift home. Nice guy, he is. Lucky he didn't speed but slow driving was never so scary. Interesting conversation, good to know that he isn't a sad growing majority of himbos that I know of.

When he left he was zig-zagging across the double white line wtf.




Yeah, high and sleepy. But I can still think this much, I rock. I think tomorrow I'll read all this and go wtf.

30 X 14 pullups today.... 2 min rest between sets.

Run before that... fever flu + asthma attack = gg.

After last burst I was panting so hard yet not getting enough oxygen. Lucky didn't pass out... that would have been disastrous.

Last few special modules to complete this and next week as one chapter draws to a close. God help whoever is racing against us.

Tonite's run: 11:53mins

Another sucky timing, but at least better than last night.

Left lung hurt a little on expansion for awhile. Wonder how I sprained it.

Most of the run was in cycle step. A little not used to it still.

Mom ordered some pizza... ate one slice... and it was damn good. They even have a buy 1 get 1 free offer going on now.

http://www.rite-pizza.com/pizza.html

XD~

When will I get my timings back to normal argh.

I can't believe I almost fell asleep during gym again.

Rowing today, sun was frickin intense. So intense that now even the dog is darker than me.


Sometimes its so hard to get through to some people. And you know that they are capable of so much, yet they subconsciously limit themselves.

At times its frustrating because you see more in them then they see in themselves.

The sad part is, we all limit ourselves subconsciously.

If you can see the walls, you can break them down.

Lihan admits to becoming a white ah hao... 'but still very handsome'. Its amazing how someone run 2.4km close to 9mins, almost hit 30 pullups, and after leaving the team become white and flubberish.

I wonder if that will ever happen to me.

Don't think so!

Haha.