Been thinking about what the future holds for me.
Already, I seem to be moving up so fast, almost too fast.
Not sure if its preparation for the performance tomorrow night, but I've found myself going back to that insanely meticulous way of thinking.
To see things so clearly is truly a scary thing. Yet it is in this state that I can go out and play the most perfect performance.
It was in this state that I made some of the best decisions in my life.
I was listening to Ced, Nitec and Howe's conversation about studies and work, and I heard them talking about all the wrong incentives regarding their future paths.
Its sad that they will follow their friends to their meaningless jobs, planned carefully by the government. Human resources serving the purpose of the country's financial growth to survive. And once that need and senseless direction is no more, they do not know what direction in life to take.
Some people think that by making meaningless amounts of money they can console themselves for the meaningless day to day activities and years of their lives that they have lost.
Life is too short to waste on bullshit that people tell you to do.
But I also realize that it is not possible to expect them to see things as I do.
Unless you have stared death in the eye and have it take away something from you, you will never understand some things.
Nitec made a funny joke today that not everyone fuck care's the future like me.
But in fact, it is the total opposite.
It is them who have gone about the completely wrong way of thinking of things. Yet I have been planning my breakaway years ago, when they never even thought about what they want to do when the time to school is over.
Perhaps the only person that would understand me would be Louis. Unless you throw your 6 points away and actually have the balls to question what exactly will give you meaning and fulfillment in life, you will never find it. Unlike those who let their "achievements" be the limiting factors to their life. This is the greatest illusion that the brainless "geniuses" fall victim to. Completely oblivious to the truth.
And he is flying off soon to pursue that grand dream in the bigger ocean.
I will prove to him that it is possible to get it here.
Louis, we will see who gets it first.
Years from now, every score that I make will be a legend. My favorite past time coincidentally brings in the money, which I won't have to worry about in the first place. I will work on projects because of the challenge and love of music, and nothing else, because there would be no need for the financial aspect.
When they cry at my performance I will look into their eyes and see what I can never feel. I will share my experiences with them, the excitement, and they will live every second of it.
Fuck you death for killing a part of me that I can never get back.
But I will live my life to the fullest, to spite you every single day.
And show you, that I have won.
Because the day you take me will be one day.
But the day I really lived will be many.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Sometimes I think that I've been too nice to the dog. Many problems could have been circumvented if I would have just been the damn bad guy.
I didn't ever want to go near that model of leadership and mentoring, because it reminded me of so many things that I hated about incapable leaders.
But I suppose there must always be a balance. I could have been too nice.
I think back on how Sensei, Chua and Ben all kicked my ass when I screwed up or made me really realize what the heck I did wrong.
But all I did was put everything in a positive perspective.
It was compensation for everything that I was trying to steer away from my own life, too.
But now, I suppose that phase is over.
I've had to wake up a part of me that I really do hate... but like this, I'm bound by no more restrictions, and I can move anything once again.
I wonder if I'm preventing dog from growing on his own by continually helping him out time and time again like this.
Give a man fish and he'll come back to you for more, teach him how to fish and he'll grow tired of fish.
This scenario is similar to one of my previous simulations anyway, it'll be such a cinch to solve.
Its weird seeing through them again. But this time, I suppose I'm not as disappointed as I never had too high hopes anyway.
Though, in the aspect of the sport. Some of the guys have grown so much. Its just a pity that there are too few of them.
Taught Howe my ultimate technique to maintain a fixed timing no matter how much the back is pushing. It may seem like an easy thing, but it really is quite impossible to do accomplish when the rest of the boat was pushing the timing like they were without the technique.
Containment vision takes practice, but I'm sure he'll be able to master it some day.
I didn't ever want to go near that model of leadership and mentoring, because it reminded me of so many things that I hated about incapable leaders.
But I suppose there must always be a balance. I could have been too nice.
I think back on how Sensei, Chua and Ben all kicked my ass when I screwed up or made me really realize what the heck I did wrong.
But all I did was put everything in a positive perspective.
It was compensation for everything that I was trying to steer away from my own life, too.
But now, I suppose that phase is over.
I've had to wake up a part of me that I really do hate... but like this, I'm bound by no more restrictions, and I can move anything once again.
I wonder if I'm preventing dog from growing on his own by continually helping him out time and time again like this.
Give a man fish and he'll come back to you for more, teach him how to fish and he'll grow tired of fish.
This scenario is similar to one of my previous simulations anyway, it'll be such a cinch to solve.
Its weird seeing through them again. But this time, I suppose I'm not as disappointed as I never had too high hopes anyway.
Though, in the aspect of the sport. Some of the guys have grown so much. Its just a pity that there are too few of them.
Taught Howe my ultimate technique to maintain a fixed timing no matter how much the back is pushing. It may seem like an easy thing, but it really is quite impossible to do accomplish when the rest of the boat was pushing the timing like they were without the technique.
Containment vision takes practice, but I'm sure he'll be able to master it some day.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
As much as possible, I want them to enjoy the sport. Like my batch, until the alumni will want to come down and row because its fun. Training should be tough with direction, but enjoyable.
It breaks my heart that the guys may not get that. This is the best, though, all must change. Their last chance. If they cannot do that, then it must be done.
I don't know why I was a bit disappointed at first. This was all part of one of the scenarios. But I suppose I never wanted to think about this one scenario because the end of this equation bears a heavy weight on my heart.
I always believed in saving every single one. Back then, it was hard as hell, but in the end, I finally came to peace with that group. Though, I'm not sure if dog can do it in his case.
If need be, the weed will be cut. There is no need to lose alot. Just one.
Its difficult to teach a slacker how to be a rower. To bring them through hell to show them what they are capable of, so that they will expect more of themselves.
And it takes a long time for a leader to grow.
We always fail on our first attempt.
But it is the desire and will to achieve something that makes the difference between those who succeed in the end, and those who never bother.
Perhaps the outcome of the elections will fuel WC to find that drive.
Desire can empower change.
It breaks my heart that the guys may not get that. This is the best, though, all must change. Their last chance. If they cannot do that, then it must be done.
I don't know why I was a bit disappointed at first. This was all part of one of the scenarios. But I suppose I never wanted to think about this one scenario because the end of this equation bears a heavy weight on my heart.
I always believed in saving every single one. Back then, it was hard as hell, but in the end, I finally came to peace with that group. Though, I'm not sure if dog can do it in his case.
If need be, the weed will be cut. There is no need to lose alot. Just one.
Its difficult to teach a slacker how to be a rower. To bring them through hell to show them what they are capable of, so that they will expect more of themselves.
And it takes a long time for a leader to grow.
We always fail on our first attempt.
But it is the desire and will to achieve something that makes the difference between those who succeed in the end, and those who never bother.
Perhaps the outcome of the elections will fuel WC to find that drive.
Desire can empower change.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Alot of thought lately about the team and the exco; past present and future.
Quite disappointed that Jem thinks Jackson's batch was quite successful. Then again I probably can't blame him. He was new in the team then, and still didn't have proper perspective on things. I'm not sure if he would be able to keep the batch together, less do a better job than Justin. It would be different no doubt, but an improvement is questionable.
I know that he dislikes the system of a voting for the fact that Natalie won the girls over and eventually broke them apart. But he fails to see that that system was the one that also won him his own captaincy. Ironic, isn't it?
Over the years I have seen which systems work and which do not, and how to modify and manipulate them to be most ideal, despite what others can only grasp on the surface of things. Voting is the most apparent solution. But carried out in the way that Nat and Jem won, would be disastrous.
If carried out properly, perhaps Jem wouldn't have even led the team that year.
If the coach/exco decides, many will be unhappy. If a voting is held, some will be unhappy, but at least less than the other alternative. But the key to the voting is to keep it secret during the process. That is the fatal flaw that screwed the voting up for that year.
It will help those who are truly capable to surface. Of course there are times when not so capable ones surface, but that is usually in the absence of the more capable ones. And there are the freak accidents like political manipulators. That is when the pre-voting guidance in the counsel system comes into play. That is where the coach or captain comes into play to help the right candidates surface and to guide them away from the potential threats.
I could explain all this to them, but there would be no point. Too much explanation for something that they can only see from their perspective. Those who haven't led will never really see things in proper perspective for themselves. Those who have led 2-3 times are only just beginning to understand. I have led 7 clubs/bodies/communities/teams and I don't claim to know everything; and given their obvious lack of emotional and interpersonal understanding, how would they even come close to this understanding?
I try to help some along. To mentor, to teach and aid and help understand. As a friend, as a mentor. Sometimes they learn certain aspects and I am happy for them. Ultimately I want them to take everything and make it their own.
Egos crushed, jealousy ensues. There will always be those who are sour over elections. The immature ones who harbor bitterness. But it is precisely of their ego and immaturity that prevents them from achieving the spot which they seek so much and blinds them from understanding.
It took time, but I take pride in winning each of them over, despite the varying amounts of pride, ego, and lack of eq even in the most presumably intelligent individuals. Just because the one after me requires more time to learn, they judge him harshly. Yet I cannot help but wonder if they themselves could do a better job?
I didn't think so.
Captaincy is one aspect that a certain side of me never waned. I see through each of them further than they can see themselves. And the tides are mine to move without them even knowing.
But it is because they do not know that I am moving everything for them that they fail to see the most important steps.
There are flaws in the current system. I have seen every possible outcome since the previous elections for every viable candidate and know that the first step was the best despite the resistance in the system. People will always highlight the problems. But they fail to see that this solution is already the most error-free given the haphazard variables.
It is already the most optimal. Surely they do not expect me to sign on db?
Nevertheless, the next step will optimize it.
Quite disappointed that Jem thinks Jackson's batch was quite successful. Then again I probably can't blame him. He was new in the team then, and still didn't have proper perspective on things. I'm not sure if he would be able to keep the batch together, less do a better job than Justin. It would be different no doubt, but an improvement is questionable.
I know that he dislikes the system of a voting for the fact that Natalie won the girls over and eventually broke them apart. But he fails to see that that system was the one that also won him his own captaincy. Ironic, isn't it?
Over the years I have seen which systems work and which do not, and how to modify and manipulate them to be most ideal, despite what others can only grasp on the surface of things. Voting is the most apparent solution. But carried out in the way that Nat and Jem won, would be disastrous.
If carried out properly, perhaps Jem wouldn't have even led the team that year.
If the coach/exco decides, many will be unhappy. If a voting is held, some will be unhappy, but at least less than the other alternative. But the key to the voting is to keep it secret during the process. That is the fatal flaw that screwed the voting up for that year.
It will help those who are truly capable to surface. Of course there are times when not so capable ones surface, but that is usually in the absence of the more capable ones. And there are the freak accidents like political manipulators. That is when the pre-voting guidance in the counsel system comes into play. That is where the coach or captain comes into play to help the right candidates surface and to guide them away from the potential threats.
I could explain all this to them, but there would be no point. Too much explanation for something that they can only see from their perspective. Those who haven't led will never really see things in proper perspective for themselves. Those who have led 2-3 times are only just beginning to understand. I have led 7 clubs/bodies/communities/teams and I don't claim to know everything; and given their obvious lack of emotional and interpersonal understanding, how would they even come close to this understanding?
I try to help some along. To mentor, to teach and aid and help understand. As a friend, as a mentor. Sometimes they learn certain aspects and I am happy for them. Ultimately I want them to take everything and make it their own.
Egos crushed, jealousy ensues. There will always be those who are sour over elections. The immature ones who harbor bitterness. But it is precisely of their ego and immaturity that prevents them from achieving the spot which they seek so much and blinds them from understanding.
It took time, but I take pride in winning each of them over, despite the varying amounts of pride, ego, and lack of eq even in the most presumably intelligent individuals. Just because the one after me requires more time to learn, they judge him harshly. Yet I cannot help but wonder if they themselves could do a better job?
I didn't think so.
Captaincy is one aspect that a certain side of me never waned. I see through each of them further than they can see themselves. And the tides are mine to move without them even knowing.
But it is because they do not know that I am moving everything for them that they fail to see the most important steps.
There are flaws in the current system. I have seen every possible outcome since the previous elections for every viable candidate and know that the first step was the best despite the resistance in the system. People will always highlight the problems. But they fail to see that this solution is already the most error-free given the haphazard variables.
It is already the most optimal. Surely they do not expect me to sign on db?
Nevertheless, the next step will optimize it.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
IQ, EQ. Alot of research has been done into the study and development of these two quantities of thought. Its a common assumption in today's world that if one possesses a higher level of one, the other will be off lower level. Taking into consideration that it does in fact seem that one is ying and the other is yang to achieve an overall balance of state of mind; given a fixed quantity, expanding too much into one will lead to an offset in the other.
But what if that fixed quantity could be increased? And one could achieve a proper equal balance of both?
Often those who prematurely exercise bias to either IQ or EQ consciously or subconsciously find themselves critically limited in the other. Given a fixed quantity of energy to allocate to either extremes, allocating too much on one extreme will result in neglect to the other. Development should therefore take place at the point where that quantity is generated and nowhere else. This is something that is very often overlooked.
Music if used properly can help in the development of EQ as certain types help bridge the gap of understanding emotions and awareness. However it is a double-edged sword as it can also stunt development.
Even in the paradigm of emotions one can see the principles of ying and yang again. So many types of music evoke different types of emotions as well. Limiting oneself to a certain type results in loss of understanding to the opposing types and prevents overall advancement. Of course, preference is good. It gives direction and perspective.
When I hear "crap" songs on cd or radio sometimes I do tend to be critical about them at times, but I can appreciate the values of the aspects of the song despite the terrible points that jut out.
Having a job that revolves around enjoying your work posses a big problem to me in this area. Alot of EQ being used... not really alot of intelligent problem solving.
That's probably why gaming is so important to me. Planning, thought, execution. Working on MUGEN helps alot too. Maths, Physics, alot of logic and problem solving there too.
Without them to balance out... I think I may turn into a dumb shit over time.
Yet one thing puzzles the shit out of me. With all the training and development I spend on EQ. Why the hell can't I feel some things subconsciously? Too much control. I have to channel them consciously through music, otherwise I will not be able to experience them at all.
Surely I didn't do something stupid like work too much on IQ until that area of EQ is critically screwed.
I usually get myself out of this type of problems by studying other people... problem is I haven't met anyone else with this stupid problem yet.
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
But what if that fixed quantity could be increased? And one could achieve a proper equal balance of both?
Often those who prematurely exercise bias to either IQ or EQ consciously or subconsciously find themselves critically limited in the other. Given a fixed quantity of energy to allocate to either extremes, allocating too much on one extreme will result in neglect to the other. Development should therefore take place at the point where that quantity is generated and nowhere else. This is something that is very often overlooked.
Music if used properly can help in the development of EQ as certain types help bridge the gap of understanding emotions and awareness. However it is a double-edged sword as it can also stunt development.
Even in the paradigm of emotions one can see the principles of ying and yang again. So many types of music evoke different types of emotions as well. Limiting oneself to a certain type results in loss of understanding to the opposing types and prevents overall advancement. Of course, preference is good. It gives direction and perspective.
When I hear "crap" songs on cd or radio sometimes I do tend to be critical about them at times, but I can appreciate the values of the aspects of the song despite the terrible points that jut out.
Having a job that revolves around enjoying your work posses a big problem to me in this area. Alot of EQ being used... not really alot of intelligent problem solving.
That's probably why gaming is so important to me. Planning, thought, execution. Working on MUGEN helps alot too. Maths, Physics, alot of logic and problem solving there too.
Without them to balance out... I think I may turn into a dumb shit over time.
Yet one thing puzzles the shit out of me. With all the training and development I spend on EQ. Why the hell can't I feel some things subconsciously? Too much control. I have to channel them consciously through music, otherwise I will not be able to experience them at all.
Surely I didn't do something stupid like work too much on IQ until that area of EQ is critically screwed.
I usually get myself out of this type of problems by studying other people... problem is I haven't met anyone else with this stupid problem yet.
ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
Losing sleep due to nerding out for games is fun from time to time.
But oh my god... the lack of sleep feeling the next day... like today.
My eyes feel like they want to shut any moment.
Its quite fun.
Almost... lost abit of control too. Lucky I realized in time.
Race sets today... I dunno why nowadays I tend to almost throw up during rowing. I like revised my breakfast twice during the last race set today. Maybe rowing fitness isn't like it used to be, maybe I just want to push further.
Ran with crazy sam tonite. Errr... he had stitches toward the end but still caught up wtf. And I think I sprained my hamstring going up the slope. But its nice to just have someone to RELAX run with. This is the second time I made the whole run using the front step technique. A few months ago that would have been impossible.... the wonders of conditioning, eh? Finally just getting used to the form, and the new breathing rhythm helps alot.
I'll probably try a time trial along the usual route... when I'm not so godamn sleepy.
The bed hasn't looked so tempting in a long time.
But oh my god... the lack of sleep feeling the next day... like today.
My eyes feel like they want to shut any moment.
Its quite fun.
Almost... lost abit of control too. Lucky I realized in time.
Race sets today... I dunno why nowadays I tend to almost throw up during rowing. I like revised my breakfast twice during the last race set today. Maybe rowing fitness isn't like it used to be, maybe I just want to push further.
Ran with crazy sam tonite. Errr... he had stitches toward the end but still caught up wtf. And I think I sprained my hamstring going up the slope. But its nice to just have someone to RELAX run with. This is the second time I made the whole run using the front step technique. A few months ago that would have been impossible.... the wonders of conditioning, eh? Finally just getting used to the form, and the new breathing rhythm helps alot.
I'll probably try a time trial along the usual route... when I'm not so godamn sleepy.
The bed hasn't looked so tempting in a long time.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Work.
It used to be a simple idea for me.
I didn't want to give a damn about the figures, because as long as I enjoyed doing it, I'd be better off than all the other suckers dreading their jobs.
Yet now someone is trying to put a price on my professional career. And all the figures come in, and all the comparisons.
And when the figure posed to me turns out to be higher than the average amount given to a graduate of any of the local 3 unis...
I guess my sense of competition piqued a little.
So without even wasting a month in there, I've already out done the average?
Its so easy to fall into this whole competition bullshit. Its like results.
But results only bring you so much satisfaction, and likewise for money. Life needs to revolve around something much more substantial than work or digits for there to be meaning or any sort of fulfillment, less you start to feel 'empty' inside and either turn to religion or who knows what to fill the void in your life.
What more could I ask for, anyway?
- The base proposal was already higher than that of a degree grad with Cum Laude...
- The working hours are half of what the degree grad does
- I get to work from home
- I get to do something I love
But being the first of my kind in Singapore, I have to set the standard right.
Is my fear of commitment that strong? XD
It used to be a simple idea for me.
I didn't want to give a damn about the figures, because as long as I enjoyed doing it, I'd be better off than all the other suckers dreading their jobs.
Yet now someone is trying to put a price on my professional career. And all the figures come in, and all the comparisons.
And when the figure posed to me turns out to be higher than the average amount given to a graduate of any of the local 3 unis...
I guess my sense of competition piqued a little.
So without even wasting a month in there, I've already out done the average?
Its so easy to fall into this whole competition bullshit. Its like results.
But results only bring you so much satisfaction, and likewise for money. Life needs to revolve around something much more substantial than work or digits for there to be meaning or any sort of fulfillment, less you start to feel 'empty' inside and either turn to religion or who knows what to fill the void in your life.
What more could I ask for, anyway?
- The base proposal was already higher than that of a degree grad with Cum Laude...
- The working hours are half of what the degree grad does
- I get to work from home
- I get to do something I love
But being the first of my kind in Singapore, I have to set the standard right.
Is my fear of commitment that strong? XD
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Met Si yesterday for a friendly match. Its nice to be able to keep in touch with our foundations, so we don't get rusty. That is until someone gets guai lan and tries something funny and ends up injuring someone.
In the water, if you guai lan, no one gets hurt. In contact sparring, if you guai lan, so many things can go wrong.
Yet some people still want to guai lan! Why?! Why man why!?
Anyway, don't you just hate it when you're not at your computer but have msn on and charboh go like:
"Fine, ignore me."
-_-
Nothings feels better in the stomach at 2am than chicken pie and scrambled eggs with japanese crispy chicken. Mmmm....
Oishii Sou Na......
Its been so long since I sat at a piano and just played. Not to compose a song, not to practice an existing song, but to just play.
Listening to DM's taiko band. The band actually has a CD. Its good shit.
In life, you meet people and learn things from them. Very seldom will you meet someone truly inspirational.
In music, you can take away a little bit of inspiration from any good musician. The way the composition takes form and shape. Even for seemingly conventionally termed movements like "build up" or "crescendo", there is an infinite number of ways of which they can be carried out. No matter how hard you try to simplify and classify
things, someone will do things differently. Unlike techno or trance....
Its sort of the same thing for martial arts, or any art form really. Someone's going to put in an extra spin on a 540 kick, or someone's going to combo in a jump hook from a stand hook. And we all watch, learn, and change again.
Harley/Mr Australia is myspace crazy. Even in china he was like advertising his myspace account to everyone haha. There's one line in his profile that is worth musing over:
Occupation: sexy
So that would make my occupation: Sexy Music Composer!
Hahaha.
In the water, if you guai lan, no one gets hurt. In contact sparring, if you guai lan, so many things can go wrong.
Yet some people still want to guai lan! Why?! Why man why!?
Anyway, don't you just hate it when you're not at your computer but have msn on and charboh go like:
"Fine, ignore me."
-_-
Nothings feels better in the stomach at 2am than chicken pie and scrambled eggs with japanese crispy chicken. Mmmm....
Oishii Sou Na......
Its been so long since I sat at a piano and just played. Not to compose a song, not to practice an existing song, but to just play.
Listening to DM's taiko band. The band actually has a CD. Its good shit.
In life, you meet people and learn things from them. Very seldom will you meet someone truly inspirational.
In music, you can take away a little bit of inspiration from any good musician. The way the composition takes form and shape. Even for seemingly conventionally termed movements like "build up" or "crescendo", there is an infinite number of ways of which they can be carried out. No matter how hard you try to simplify and classify
things, someone will do things differently. Unlike techno or trance....
Its sort of the same thing for martial arts, or any art form really. Someone's going to put in an extra spin on a 540 kick, or someone's going to combo in a jump hook from a stand hook. And we all watch, learn, and change again.
Harley/Mr Australia is myspace crazy. Even in china he was like advertising his myspace account to everyone haha. There's one line in his profile that is worth musing over:
Occupation: sexy
So that would make my occupation: Sexy Music Composer!
Hahaha.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Right.... so ironically... its safe to say that my perspective on things isn't really quite right when I'm in that mood.
Dog came over to go through revisions for the designs for the jersey again, then hair cut. I'm getting better haha. Don't know why he keeps asking for such fierce styles... like I really worry about him getting in trouble in camp. Refused to cut the swirl at the back high up for him and did it lower and safer instead haha.
After that we went to town to meet up with Alvin and Charizard and KJ... the original sa f sa couple! Was damn good to see them again la. Charles grew his hair out and looks like a good boy. KJ looks like he lost weight though.
Watched Blades of Glory... frickin funny show. The whole theater was like laughing their asses off.
Then went shopping. Ugh, what a waste of money.
Then reunion with the recon guys online first, before heading down to garden's rk.
Wilson tried to show us his awesome custom hidden ordered prata where you combine two plains to make a bigger plain. Like wtf? It was like just one bigger plain prata and he was obsessing the hell out of it. -_-
Nic's love for money is really very scary. In fact its more of like a lust for money. Thats just plain weird.
It was good to see everyone again. Reunited at last! haha. Now that school is starting soon for the guys they all quit their jobs and are slacking until school starts.
Trust them to blow things completely out of proportion about the competition and want to take pictures with a 'celebrity'... wtf?
Anyway, all of a sudden yesterday I came up with the type of song that comes about only once in a few years. That forgotten long forgotten feeling. How bittersweet indeed.
On a side note, its interesting to see people making use of internet's anonymity to try to deceive people. Too bad they can't really fool the master of deception.
Play the fool to catch one....
Dog came over to go through revisions for the designs for the jersey again, then hair cut. I'm getting better haha. Don't know why he keeps asking for such fierce styles... like I really worry about him getting in trouble in camp. Refused to cut the swirl at the back high up for him and did it lower and safer instead haha.
After that we went to town to meet up with Alvin and Charizard and KJ... the original sa f sa couple! Was damn good to see them again la. Charles grew his hair out and looks like a good boy. KJ looks like he lost weight though.
Watched Blades of Glory... frickin funny show. The whole theater was like laughing their asses off.
Then went shopping. Ugh, what a waste of money.
Then reunion with the recon guys online first, before heading down to garden's rk.
Wilson tried to show us his awesome custom hidden ordered prata where you combine two plains to make a bigger plain. Like wtf? It was like just one bigger plain prata and he was obsessing the hell out of it. -_-
Nic's love for money is really very scary. In fact its more of like a lust for money. Thats just plain weird.
It was good to see everyone again. Reunited at last! haha. Now that school is starting soon for the guys they all quit their jobs and are slacking until school starts.
Trust them to blow things completely out of proportion about the competition and want to take pictures with a 'celebrity'... wtf?
Anyway, all of a sudden yesterday I came up with the type of song that comes about only once in a few years. That forgotten long forgotten feeling. How bittersweet indeed.
On a side note, its interesting to see people making use of internet's anonymity to try to deceive people. Too bad they can't really fool the master of deception.
Play the fool to catch one....
Friday, May 18, 2007
Oh no, some people don't know how unwise it is to wake me up like that.
I guess its only logical to take your own safety for granted in your home.
The only reason why you're still standing now is because I would have to be the one to drag you to the hospital when I'm done. And that'll be such a pain in the ass.
Poor stupid people.
I guess its only logical to take your own safety for granted in your home.
The only reason why you're still standing now is because I would have to be the one to drag you to the hospital when I'm done. And that'll be such a pain in the ass.
Poor stupid people.
Went climbing in the aft with JM. Thought he was noob until I saw that he seemed strangely comfortable on the wall. Turns out the idiot climbed before in jc. -_-
The chicken rice stall outside of Climb Asia has got chicken rice that is going damn cheap. I added so much meat and it was only 3 dollars. W00t.
Gymed after that with Dam. My juniors are kinda strong.... if I was still in school I wonder if I would be able to beat them.
Met Alv after that in town. Ended up at the honky place at Thomson... Polite Nepalese guy asked for Nitec kia haha.
It was weird talking about army days.
I see a pattern. First it was the decision after O's to pursue my "dream". Which turned out to be not what I had expected but pointed me toward music instead. Then it was Sa f sa. Now its music over uni. Ahahaha.
If I were my parent I dunno what I'd do lol. I know mom is disappointed again and again. It was easier when I shielded her from the truth. But now I want them to know that I am strong enough and capable to make the decision.
"People want to get in but cannot. You can get it but don't want to go."
So just because you can get in means you have to go? I shall joyfully pass on that track of logic.
People want to find direction in life but don't know how. I found it.
Most of my plans are flexible anyway. Games design sidetracked into music... sa f sa and nt eam branched out into focusing solely on sa f sa. Now for music, who knows? But despite it not going entirely according to plan, my direction was always there and the desired result was always achieved.
Now when I see JingWei I don't feel bad at all, knowing that that was supposed to be my position. I found another calling in another team, and once that was done with, there was no need to pursue the other matter any further.
I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I know that its going to be one step closer to that big dream.
The chicken rice stall outside of Climb Asia has got chicken rice that is going damn cheap. I added so much meat and it was only 3 dollars. W00t.
Gymed after that with Dam. My juniors are kinda strong.... if I was still in school I wonder if I would be able to beat them.
Met Alv after that in town. Ended up at the honky place at Thomson... Polite Nepalese guy asked for Nitec kia haha.
It was weird talking about army days.
I see a pattern. First it was the decision after O's to pursue my "dream". Which turned out to be not what I had expected but pointed me toward music instead. Then it was Sa f sa. Now its music over uni. Ahahaha.
If I were my parent I dunno what I'd do lol. I know mom is disappointed again and again. It was easier when I shielded her from the truth. But now I want them to know that I am strong enough and capable to make the decision.
"People want to get in but cannot. You can get it but don't want to go."
So just because you can get in means you have to go? I shall joyfully pass on that track of logic.
People want to find direction in life but don't know how. I found it.
Most of my plans are flexible anyway. Games design sidetracked into music... sa f sa and nt eam branched out into focusing solely on sa f sa. Now for music, who knows? But despite it not going entirely according to plan, my direction was always there and the desired result was always achieved.
Now when I see JingWei I don't feel bad at all, knowing that that was supposed to be my position. I found another calling in another team, and once that was done with, there was no need to pursue the other matter any further.
I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I know that its going to be one step closer to that big dream.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The shit you can find on youtube nowadays.... sigh.
I sent the links of people committing suicide on the mrt track in singapore...
Poor people... so pitiful.... yet so stupid I feel like kicking them in the nuts to wake up their idea if they were alive.
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
when he crawl out
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
like MALe sADAko
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
ppl tot ghost or wad
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
got 1 psn siam suppperr fast
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
If i The Mrt driver..i will SIan
§huƒƒ£e!™ 18th ² says:
...
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
v ke lian leh da driver
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
so scary
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
reali lo..u happily Happily Go wOrk..one brainless Job..Then sOMEONe give u heart attk
I sent the links of people committing suicide on the mrt track in singapore...
Poor people... so pitiful.... yet so stupid I feel like kicking them in the nuts to wake up their idea if they were alive.
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
when he crawl out
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
like MALe sADAko
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
ppl tot ghost or wad
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
got 1 psn siam suppperr fast
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
If i The Mrt driver..i will SIan
§huƒƒ£e!™ 18th ² says:
...
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
v ke lian leh da driver
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸*BadDies*.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
so scary
**Tinkerbel** Upset says:
reali lo..u happily Happily Go wOrk..one brainless Job..Then sOMEONe give u heart attk
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Went to the fbt warehouse with the safsa guys to order the jersey and windbreakers. I remember going there with Jo so many years back, going through all the different jerseys and colors and designs and picking the perfect one for the team.
Then when it was time to collect we would open some of the packages and wow over how well it turned out, like proud parents lol.
Went to Seletar after that with dog to practice k2 and... the place is like godamn nice la. PA spent like 300k renovating that small plot of land to make a nice shed and facilities. They really got it right this time, unlike klssc and the sucky sdba racks.
So its like so hard to decide where to put the boats now. Seletar has got the best looking facilities, calm water, and its not crowded. Macritchie is closest to home, good competition and calm water. Kallang has got dragonboats to race with, VAST body of water to row in (merlion and esplanade), and you can row past 6pm -_-.
CAN'T DECIDE OMGWTFLOL!!11
Dog's power in the boat has improved alot. He can keep up with my power starts, so the boat isn't so rocky now. That gives us a huge advantage now. If only his directioning isn't so bloody cock!
... But mine also cock up sometimes so wth!
Rowing a K2 is a completely different game to a k1. As back rower, you have to check timing like siao, for both entry and recovery, or else balance will cock up. You have to sense how hard your frontman is pulling and apply the same amount of power, not more or less, or else balance will cock up. You have to ground the boat balance at all times, so the frontman can shift all he wants, or else the balance will cock up.
We went to eat at... KFC after that huhuhu. Damn bad man... so nice but so fat. Had a long talk... including sense of competition... and I came to a grand awakening.
GREAT EPIPHANY FROM DOTA AND GAMING:
I can't understand how people keep randoming characters. I mean, it makes more sense to pick a character to complement your team while at the same time be able to exploit the weaknesses of the other team's characters. People like butcher and gang play to have fun.... but if you don't play to win, what's the damn point? And if you play to win, you'll want to make the situation as favorable to you winning as possible by like... choosing the right character right.
People can play GTA... known for its senseless bad morales and super open-ended and diverse gameplay. And I never quite got into the game. Because like dog said, its a game to just have fun. Like going to beat up people over and over again and have policemen arrest you.
I think gaming has always been ridiculously competitive for me. Made even more pronounced during Shoryuken days and national level competitions. Thats how I have fun... by competing. I see no sense in any other goal, unless its to play out an awesome plot or story.
Perhaps this is why I have chosen the career path that I have. To be the best composer in my genre. Even during concerts in the past I made it a point to be the most outstanding pianist in terms of emotion or arrangement. A job where you just do something for any other goal wouldn't quite do the trick for me. For me, a job just to get money was never the issue, because who the hell can't get a job to make alot of money? But to enjoy it, and be the best at it; that would drive me forever. Music is also important to me because messed up people need direction to channel their emotions. Especially since I can't really feel shit.
So yeah, I suppose a part of my fighting spirit never went away. And gaming does make you learn more about yourself. And so does reflecting about seemingly stupid things.
Stupid Nitec put me aeroplane for gym after that... when I have to pangseh other people to meet him... like wth.
Tried the new shoulder program and... I ache like shit right now.
Its time to cut some strings.
Then when it was time to collect we would open some of the packages and wow over how well it turned out, like proud parents lol.
Went to Seletar after that with dog to practice k2 and... the place is like godamn nice la. PA spent like 300k renovating that small plot of land to make a nice shed and facilities. They really got it right this time, unlike klssc and the sucky sdba racks.
So its like so hard to decide where to put the boats now. Seletar has got the best looking facilities, calm water, and its not crowded. Macritchie is closest to home, good competition and calm water. Kallang has got dragonboats to race with, VAST body of water to row in (merlion and esplanade), and you can row past 6pm -_-.
CAN'T DECIDE OMGWTFLOL!!11
Dog's power in the boat has improved alot. He can keep up with my power starts, so the boat isn't so rocky now. That gives us a huge advantage now. If only his directioning isn't so bloody cock!
... But mine also cock up sometimes so wth!
Rowing a K2 is a completely different game to a k1. As back rower, you have to check timing like siao, for both entry and recovery, or else balance will cock up. You have to sense how hard your frontman is pulling and apply the same amount of power, not more or less, or else balance will cock up. You have to ground the boat balance at all times, so the frontman can shift all he wants, or else the balance will cock up.
We went to eat at... KFC after that huhuhu. Damn bad man... so nice but so fat. Had a long talk... including sense of competition... and I came to a grand awakening.
GREAT EPIPHANY FROM DOTA AND GAMING:
I can't understand how people keep randoming characters. I mean, it makes more sense to pick a character to complement your team while at the same time be able to exploit the weaknesses of the other team's characters. People like butcher and gang play to have fun.... but if you don't play to win, what's the damn point? And if you play to win, you'll want to make the situation as favorable to you winning as possible by like... choosing the right character right.
People can play GTA... known for its senseless bad morales and super open-ended and diverse gameplay. And I never quite got into the game. Because like dog said, its a game to just have fun. Like going to beat up people over and over again and have policemen arrest you.
I think gaming has always been ridiculously competitive for me. Made even more pronounced during Shoryuken days and national level competitions. Thats how I have fun... by competing. I see no sense in any other goal, unless its to play out an awesome plot or story.
Perhaps this is why I have chosen the career path that I have. To be the best composer in my genre. Even during concerts in the past I made it a point to be the most outstanding pianist in terms of emotion or arrangement. A job where you just do something for any other goal wouldn't quite do the trick for me. For me, a job just to get money was never the issue, because who the hell can't get a job to make alot of money? But to enjoy it, and be the best at it; that would drive me forever. Music is also important to me because messed up people need direction to channel their emotions. Especially since I can't really feel shit.
So yeah, I suppose a part of my fighting spirit never went away. And gaming does make you learn more about yourself. And so does reflecting about seemingly stupid things.
Stupid Nitec put me aeroplane for gym after that... when I have to pangseh other people to meet him... like wth.
Tried the new shoulder program and... I ache like shit right now.
Its time to cut some strings.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Its amazing how the extreme variations in tone in voice acting for anime works so well when all that the on screen character does is not move his head nor body, but twitch his/her mouth. It just works somehow.
However, watch the same type of variations in tone and combine with what would be the actual bodily gestures done in a Japaneses serial... and it looks... very overboard.
I was reminded of the question: "what is the meaning of life" recently. I remember being extremely troubled by this many many years ago. It was probably during that time when I made that big decision. I factored everything in... religion, friends, family, money, interests. But as much as I pondered I could not find the answer.
It came instead, through my gut one day. Just a feeling. Not any logical semblance of thought through my consciousness.
To me, the meaning of life, is to give it meaning yourself.
It would probably be different for everyone. Based on personality, character and such.
To me, it was meaningless to follow the majority. Even if I would do well following them. Because in the end, there are always outstanding people everywhere.
Being in the same track as everyone meant having the same significance in life as them, and if everyone had the same significance, then there wouldn't be any significance in the first place. CEO's of big companies make big bucks, but no one gives a shit about who they really are. Some people may respect them, maybe those in their area or industry, but all they will take into significance would be the position and not the person.
My calling in life would have to be to create things no one has done before. I would inspire, influence and motivate many more people than these people would.
A life revolving around money would be too common and boring. A life revolving around religion only would be too dependent. A life revolving around work which you don't enjoy is for mindless drones.
Having friends that passed away at a young age didn't help. I used to have nightmares of his pale bloating face.
When you die, if you were rich without a cause, people may see what nice car or house you have, but they won't look up to you for the right reasons. Envy and competition, breeds jealousy, contempt and hatred.
The aftertouch is as important as the sustain.
Everyone was doing the same thing. The same old boring shit. Competing for the same old boring shit. To ultimately get the same old boring shit.
A life like that indeed would be meaningless.
They can follow all they want, I wizened up.
It was a long hard journey, never certain, despite all the careful planning, research and speculation.
But thats the hardest part of it; trusting your gut.
I have finally made it here to the beach.
A vast ocean now waits for me.
I have traveled so far, made a few slightly off-tangent turns, but the compass of my heart never lied.
Words can't express my excitement right now.
Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
smu is a scary place
Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
ppl are trying to get full marks for their quiz abd exams
Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
and it's not like the standard is pri sch's
Whats the point if everyone is aiming for the same thing?
Sometimes a part of me wishes I was naive and could play their game again.
Then again, a part of me is grateful now.
However, watch the same type of variations in tone and combine with what would be the actual bodily gestures done in a Japaneses serial... and it looks... very overboard.
I was reminded of the question: "what is the meaning of life" recently. I remember being extremely troubled by this many many years ago. It was probably during that time when I made that big decision. I factored everything in... religion, friends, family, money, interests. But as much as I pondered I could not find the answer.
It came instead, through my gut one day. Just a feeling. Not any logical semblance of thought through my consciousness.
To me, the meaning of life, is to give it meaning yourself.
It would probably be different for everyone. Based on personality, character and such.
To me, it was meaningless to follow the majority. Even if I would do well following them. Because in the end, there are always outstanding people everywhere.
Being in the same track as everyone meant having the same significance in life as them, and if everyone had the same significance, then there wouldn't be any significance in the first place. CEO's of big companies make big bucks, but no one gives a shit about who they really are. Some people may respect them, maybe those in their area or industry, but all they will take into significance would be the position and not the person.
My calling in life would have to be to create things no one has done before. I would inspire, influence and motivate many more people than these people would.
A life revolving around money would be too common and boring. A life revolving around religion only would be too dependent. A life revolving around work which you don't enjoy is for mindless drones.
Having friends that passed away at a young age didn't help. I used to have nightmares of his pale bloating face.
When you die, if you were rich without a cause, people may see what nice car or house you have, but they won't look up to you for the right reasons. Envy and competition, breeds jealousy, contempt and hatred.
The aftertouch is as important as the sustain.
Everyone was doing the same thing. The same old boring shit. Competing for the same old boring shit. To ultimately get the same old boring shit.
A life like that indeed would be meaningless.
They can follow all they want, I wizened up.
It was a long hard journey, never certain, despite all the careful planning, research and speculation.
But thats the hardest part of it; trusting your gut.
I have finally made it here to the beach.
A vast ocean now waits for me.
I have traveled so far, made a few slightly off-tangent turns, but the compass of my heart never lied.
Words can't express my excitement right now.
Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
smu is a scary place
Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
ppl are trying to get full marks for their quiz abd exams
Joel OMG, Exams came a knocking in 2 weeks time! says:
and it's not like the standard is pri sch's
Whats the point if everyone is aiming for the same thing?
Sometimes a part of me wishes I was naive and could play their game again.
Then again, a part of me is grateful now.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
In hopes of further understanding that part me, I will finally log that incident down.
I was listening to the xmen movie soundtrack. Its the scene where phoenix screws xavier's ass into oblivion. I hear shouts from behind. Wonder what happened.
I turn around to look. There were three. I recognized one from earlier. He hadn't moved out of my way and ended up getting jolted aside. Seems like the type to get annoyed, but pick a fight? Such people still exist?
He's talking very loudly, in hokkien. I make some of it out over my music. Feel annoyed to have to take my earphones off to listen to him, he stops while the other two approach me from both sides.
I recognize the situation, I recognize their tone, and sense their body language. These guys are trouble.
The two approaching are most likely going to try to hold me for the center guy. It would quite troublesome to get out of a two-person hold.
One of them reaches his arms out to try to grab me.
So.
I react first.
No time to aim for the best spot, the other guy is too close. I quickly shift to my right and slightly behind him. My right fist tightens.
My eyes are focused on the point center part of the back of his head, I quickly throw my aim off to the left side to hit less critical spot of the central nervous system.
He drops down silently and begins to roll around.
His friend is stunned.
I stun him further.
The one in the centre seems to be quite upset about his two friends. His eyes widen and quite surprisingly manages to scream louder than before while taking out a pen knife.
I hear the 'tak' 'tak sound of the blade extending.
This is getting out of hand, a weapon wasn't supposed to be part of this.
Uneasy.
I quickly run through the various disarm movements in my head. I feel my hands react to the rehearsal. Heart pumping fast.
He comes.
Crazy downward slice.
Stupidest move to make, slowest move to get into start position of the attack, and too easily telegraphed.
But still, you can never be too cautious when a weapon is involved.
I catch his motion.
The speed of my block makes him lose grip of his weapon, the momentum carries it down.
Into my waist.
Shit.
I kick him away hastily.
There's blood, and part of the blade has found a nice resting spot on me.
I pull it out upward opposite from the direction which the blade is facing.
Then, I feel it.
A rush of heat.
First over my back, then the whole body. My blood, feels like its on fire.
Its too late now. I can't hold him back any longer. It would take too much effort to at this point. Effort I can't expand. These guys asked for it anyway.
I let go. I'll just watch the show for now.
I snap the blade with one hand and throw it away while rushing at the owner. I could feel the intention of my attack. It would not be to knock him out, instead, make him suffer as much as possible.
Clawed palm, I see my right hand make as it makes contact with him first, then bursts for a second pulse and he's sent falling and rolling backward.
I scream.
His voice, that voice I silenced so many times, finally out now. Its overpowering. It feels so good.
Amazing yet scary.
I was listening to the xmen movie soundtrack. Its the scene where phoenix screws xavier's ass into oblivion. I hear shouts from behind. Wonder what happened.
I turn around to look. There were three. I recognized one from earlier. He hadn't moved out of my way and ended up getting jolted aside. Seems like the type to get annoyed, but pick a fight? Such people still exist?
He's talking very loudly, in hokkien. I make some of it out over my music. Feel annoyed to have to take my earphones off to listen to him, he stops while the other two approach me from both sides.
I recognize the situation, I recognize their tone, and sense their body language. These guys are trouble.
The two approaching are most likely going to try to hold me for the center guy. It would quite troublesome to get out of a two-person hold.
One of them reaches his arms out to try to grab me.
So.
I react first.
No time to aim for the best spot, the other guy is too close. I quickly shift to my right and slightly behind him. My right fist tightens.
My eyes are focused on the point center part of the back of his head, I quickly throw my aim off to the left side to hit less critical spot of the central nervous system.
He drops down silently and begins to roll around.
His friend is stunned.
I stun him further.
The one in the centre seems to be quite upset about his two friends. His eyes widen and quite surprisingly manages to scream louder than before while taking out a pen knife.
I hear the 'tak' 'tak sound of the blade extending.
This is getting out of hand, a weapon wasn't supposed to be part of this.
Uneasy.
I quickly run through the various disarm movements in my head. I feel my hands react to the rehearsal. Heart pumping fast.
He comes.
Crazy downward slice.
Stupidest move to make, slowest move to get into start position of the attack, and too easily telegraphed.
But still, you can never be too cautious when a weapon is involved.
I catch his motion.
The speed of my block makes him lose grip of his weapon, the momentum carries it down.
Into my waist.
Shit.
I kick him away hastily.
There's blood, and part of the blade has found a nice resting spot on me.
I pull it out upward opposite from the direction which the blade is facing.
Then, I feel it.
A rush of heat.
First over my back, then the whole body. My blood, feels like its on fire.
Its too late now. I can't hold him back any longer. It would take too much effort to at this point. Effort I can't expand. These guys asked for it anyway.
I let go. I'll just watch the show for now.
I snap the blade with one hand and throw it away while rushing at the owner. I could feel the intention of my attack. It would not be to knock him out, instead, make him suffer as much as possible.
Clawed palm, I see my right hand make as it makes contact with him first, then bursts for a second pulse and he's sent falling and rolling backward.
I scream.
His voice, that voice I silenced so many times, finally out now. Its overpowering. It feels so good.
Amazing yet scary.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Last night's run: 12:10mins for the usual route.
Legs were kinda sore from leg extensions that day, and squats the day before... seeing my timing for the small run was demoralizing, but pushing on in the end helped abit, I guess.
Training today, dog's finally got the hang of my power starts. Was on par with me for the last few sets when I removed by resistance. If I hadn't been using the resistance for the sets before that, I'm sure it would have made a difference, though perhaps not by very much. If he manages to keep so close to me for the starts and overcome that one weakness, he might actually beat me for a sprint set. I've created a monster >_<
Nitec kia capsizing all over the place... undercurrent very strong, despite the surface current seeming relatively calm. I realize my muscle memory is abit confused from changing paddles... now at certain angles when I pull with the bracsa IV, I have zero catch, when I used to have catch for the other paddles, resulting in me taking a dip into the water.
Interview in the afternoon went well. I realize I'm getting better and better at interviews... haha. That photoshoot was one of the best so far.
Cycled tonight... made it to serangoon gardens in like 15 mins... wow. To Zeenath/prata house in serangoon in 12 mins. Awesome la. But the slope climb before that is terrible. Got lost for awhile after that, but that was okay, because I still had plenty of energy and spirit and could have gone on forever! Hohohoho.
Cycling past serangoon reminded me of Den. Sometimes I wonder if he is regretting his decision to sign on with commandos. Though, as much as possible I would strongly encourage him not to even think about regret, and only make the best of it, because this is what he set out to do.
It will be a very tough test of character, which if anyone would pass, it would be him. He has the strongest heart in all that I have encountered. My only regret is not teaching him to be more... cunning. I should have lent him the book, and taught him the side of things that would make things work. But perhaps I felt that it would affect his innocence. He relies on conscience and his naivety, to have a clear mind to follow his heart. That's why it is so strong. To teach him otherwise would be to throw him completely off tangent, which would be too great a risk.
Just like dog requires a certain amount of lack of emotional awareness and logic, to function so passionately.
Even for nitec kia, the same is true in another way.
Ironically it is the lack of something critical which allows for them to be strong in something else. Their strength is based on their weakness, just as in any balance, something must move drastically out of sync into chaos, for the forces of order to strengthen.
Somehow, I admire their weaknesses. Though I could never be like them, because I would sub-consciously never allow myself to have the same weakness as whoever I have come across. What would it be like to have such a strong heart? What would it be like to burn with fire for a goal?
I look at my strengths, and wonder, what are weaknesses spawned these strengths?
Truly it must not be possible for there to be any strengths without weaknesses, there must be both, as is the law of all things in balance.
Through my music, I can feel emotions that I have shut off for years. Feelings that as much as I want to feel, I can no longer. Even negative emotions make one feel alive. Perhaps that is what it is.
When I run with Nitec kia, I dare not push too hard, I dare not commit, because I know that if I get too competitive, a side of me will return that I hate.
I wish that I could give my all for a set emotionally and psychologically like dog, but if I did, and let myself function based on adrenaline and passion, there's no telling what I might do.
I have the weirdest weaknesses, I suppose. Comparable to that of an insane person? I have almost killed people, and shut off myself from the world. Pretty extreme, I suppose.
If weaknesses produce strengths, then the greatest, and most extreme weaknesses, produce the more awesome strengths.
Beethovan was deaf, each person who made a big difference in the world had a big weakness, but they built their strengths so high on them, that they shook history.
I've been called a genius, people say I'm talented, amazing, awesome, but they have no idea how much work I have had to put in.
Is anyone truly born a genius? If so, I pity them. Because being brought into the world with such a strong strength, will only mean that they will develop a strong weakness, instead of the other way around.
When will I make my mark in history?
Legs were kinda sore from leg extensions that day, and squats the day before... seeing my timing for the small run was demoralizing, but pushing on in the end helped abit, I guess.
Training today, dog's finally got the hang of my power starts. Was on par with me for the last few sets when I removed by resistance. If I hadn't been using the resistance for the sets before that, I'm sure it would have made a difference, though perhaps not by very much. If he manages to keep so close to me for the starts and overcome that one weakness, he might actually beat me for a sprint set. I've created a monster >_<
Nitec kia capsizing all over the place... undercurrent very strong, despite the surface current seeming relatively calm. I realize my muscle memory is abit confused from changing paddles... now at certain angles when I pull with the bracsa IV, I have zero catch, when I used to have catch for the other paddles, resulting in me taking a dip into the water.
Interview in the afternoon went well. I realize I'm getting better and better at interviews... haha. That photoshoot was one of the best so far.
Cycled tonight... made it to serangoon gardens in like 15 mins... wow. To Zeenath/prata house in serangoon in 12 mins. Awesome la. But the slope climb before that is terrible. Got lost for awhile after that, but that was okay, because I still had plenty of energy and spirit and could have gone on forever! Hohohoho.
Cycling past serangoon reminded me of Den. Sometimes I wonder if he is regretting his decision to sign on with commandos. Though, as much as possible I would strongly encourage him not to even think about regret, and only make the best of it, because this is what he set out to do.
It will be a very tough test of character, which if anyone would pass, it would be him. He has the strongest heart in all that I have encountered. My only regret is not teaching him to be more... cunning. I should have lent him the book, and taught him the side of things that would make things work. But perhaps I felt that it would affect his innocence. He relies on conscience and his naivety, to have a clear mind to follow his heart. That's why it is so strong. To teach him otherwise would be to throw him completely off tangent, which would be too great a risk.
Just like dog requires a certain amount of lack of emotional awareness and logic, to function so passionately.
Even for nitec kia, the same is true in another way.
Ironically it is the lack of something critical which allows for them to be strong in something else. Their strength is based on their weakness, just as in any balance, something must move drastically out of sync into chaos, for the forces of order to strengthen.
Somehow, I admire their weaknesses. Though I could never be like them, because I would sub-consciously never allow myself to have the same weakness as whoever I have come across. What would it be like to have such a strong heart? What would it be like to burn with fire for a goal?
I look at my strengths, and wonder, what are weaknesses spawned these strengths?
Truly it must not be possible for there to be any strengths without weaknesses, there must be both, as is the law of all things in balance.
Through my music, I can feel emotions that I have shut off for years. Feelings that as much as I want to feel, I can no longer. Even negative emotions make one feel alive. Perhaps that is what it is.
When I run with Nitec kia, I dare not push too hard, I dare not commit, because I know that if I get too competitive, a side of me will return that I hate.
I wish that I could give my all for a set emotionally and psychologically like dog, but if I did, and let myself function based on adrenaline and passion, there's no telling what I might do.
I have the weirdest weaknesses, I suppose. Comparable to that of an insane person? I have almost killed people, and shut off myself from the world. Pretty extreme, I suppose.
If weaknesses produce strengths, then the greatest, and most extreme weaknesses, produce the more awesome strengths.
Beethovan was deaf, each person who made a big difference in the world had a big weakness, but they built their strengths so high on them, that they shook history.
I've been called a genius, people say I'm talented, amazing, awesome, but they have no idea how much work I have had to put in.
Is anyone truly born a genius? If so, I pity them. Because being brought into the world with such a strong strength, will only mean that they will develop a strong weakness, instead of the other way around.
When will I make my mark in history?
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Hazards of enjoying your work too much.... slept at what, 5am last night?
But the result is one godamn awesome fantasy boss fight track.
Have to do more data migration to make room for the new sample libraries...
These few days I feel like its a holiday, as in those school holidays you really look forward to so that you can go and play and do your own thing.
Work doesn't feel anything like it, because its so damn fun, and to hear the final piece after that has a satisfaction probably equivalent to that of watching your child say his/her first word... which I wouldn't know how that would feel like anyway but that's not the point XD
But the result is one godamn awesome fantasy boss fight track.
Have to do more data migration to make room for the new sample libraries...
These few days I feel like its a holiday, as in those school holidays you really look forward to so that you can go and play and do your own thing.
Work doesn't feel anything like it, because its so damn fun, and to hear the final piece after that has a satisfaction probably equivalent to that of watching your child say his/her first word... which I wouldn't know how that would feel like anyway but that's not the point XD
Saturday, May 05, 2007
I dunno when the last time I rowed so hard was. Or rather, when the last time I rowed until so jialat was.
Dog's program very siong today. I like. Hand almost cramped until cannot hold paddle a couple of times, almost puked a couple of times.
Maybe its been too long since I paced, maybe I just wanted to row past my limit today.
His program is showing alot more substance and form now.
Most ridiculous case scenario involving someone waking up on time occurred. Unbelievably fantastic.
Going to those companies the other day was a real eye-opener. Would never have imagined such standards in development locally. Of course, they are all international companies, but its nice to see them based here in my Singapore.
Speaking to some of the directors, it reminded me of how it was like to dream to be a game developer. Yet the sad part of the matter is you can't do your own thing in a big company. You have to follow the company's direction, which can often suck like hell. Or if you want to do your own thing, no one will give a shit because you're inexperienced and you won't be able to pull the resources together.
But these guys, have been there and done all that, and are making it come true for themselves. I'm happy for them, really, maybe I will accept their offer to help out for the fighting game project, but for now, I'll just stick to my music.
Its not easy following your dream. For game developers, you usually need to have years of experience in the industry overseas before your project is feasible to developers. Unless you come across a uni with too much funding which wants to hop on the bandwagon before this industry really spikes.
Its nice to see things finally falling into place for the local game developers. Everything is slowly falling into place for them, combining talents with overseas counterparts. These are exciting times indeed.
Espcially for me. haahaa.
Dog's program very siong today. I like. Hand almost cramped until cannot hold paddle a couple of times, almost puked a couple of times.
Maybe its been too long since I paced, maybe I just wanted to row past my limit today.
His program is showing alot more substance and form now.
Most ridiculous case scenario involving someone waking up on time occurred. Unbelievably fantastic.
Going to those companies the other day was a real eye-opener. Would never have imagined such standards in development locally. Of course, they are all international companies, but its nice to see them based here in my Singapore.
Speaking to some of the directors, it reminded me of how it was like to dream to be a game developer. Yet the sad part of the matter is you can't do your own thing in a big company. You have to follow the company's direction, which can often suck like hell. Or if you want to do your own thing, no one will give a shit because you're inexperienced and you won't be able to pull the resources together.
But these guys, have been there and done all that, and are making it come true for themselves. I'm happy for them, really, maybe I will accept their offer to help out for the fighting game project, but for now, I'll just stick to my music.
Its not easy following your dream. For game developers, you usually need to have years of experience in the industry overseas before your project is feasible to developers. Unless you come across a uni with too much funding which wants to hop on the bandwagon before this industry really spikes.
Its nice to see things finally falling into place for the local game developers. Everything is slowly falling into place for them, combining talents with overseas counterparts. These are exciting times indeed.
Espcially for me. haahaa.
I'm just so tired of trying to psycho-analyze that part of me. It doesn't help that it wasn't developed through my conscious train of thought in the first place. Something that came about in my sub-conscious back during that hellish training. You could almost say that it was instinct. Or a heightened instinct.
I can't consciously switch off what I didn't consciously switch on.
It feels so hot, until you want to let it just reach its peak. It feels so good yet miserable.
To look at anyone, and only see weak points that you can use to take him out.
Didn't run tonight, better catch up on sleep.
I can't consciously switch off what I didn't consciously switch on.
It feels so hot, until you want to let it just reach its peak. It feels so good yet miserable.
To look at anyone, and only see weak points that you can use to take him out.
Didn't run tonight, better catch up on sleep.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Dog wants to have more say in the team. A singular captaincy. I'm happy that he is finally showing more enthusiasm in leading the team, yet I worry because I recognize his current state to be much to early to be winning over majority of the team.
Its a sickening feeling, because the probability of failure at his stage and character is too high. Though perhaps he may learn quickly enough to make it for the vote.
As much as I want to help him and do the official appointment, as he may want, he must win his own team over. It is the most basic and fundamental aspect of leadership. Without trust, there can be no desire to follow.
Had an accident in training today... almost got swept away into the ocean due to the strong under current. It wasn't as bad as last time, yet the same thought popped into my head to when the same thing happened when I was alone under shears bridge.
It was raining heavily, and there was thunder and lightning. I remember how colorful the lightning looked when I was underwater. And I remember wondering if I would be like Leroy. Another drown case in the papers in one of the local bodies of water. Its odd that even such a thought didn't seem to scare me. Perhaps I am too familiar with being so close to death that I have accepted my own mortality long ago.
We were taught not to fear pain, nor death. Its ironic that I had such a strong reaction to those things in the past, but only years later can I not be shaken.
Is being devoid of fear a bad thing? Surely it would have motivated me greatly to swim harder. Perhaps I knew that it wouldn't make a difference anyway so I didn't even try... my body has a way of estimating such things with terrible accuracy.
Yet it is this unshakable nature that allows me to react in times of dire emergency to achieve the most desired outcome.
Perhaps some good came out of it afterall.
Cycled today with the nerd princess, I feel like an egg shell going at that speed.
Thinking back upon the match with fu, I realize why I always speak softly and hardly use vulgarities. Because the part of me which I hate the most uses the complete opposite.
Our voice, magnified our power. Each yell, a confirmation of the commitment to the attack.
Fear of using that, feeling like that again.
I understand that part of me more than before, yet my fear of it hasn't dropped.
I will never forget that night. Looking down, blood everywhere, blood on my knuckles. Yet no pain, only a burning sensation in every part of my body, in my veins, in my heart.
Control.
That is one thing that gives me the upper hand.
Its a sickening feeling, because the probability of failure at his stage and character is too high. Though perhaps he may learn quickly enough to make it for the vote.
As much as I want to help him and do the official appointment, as he may want, he must win his own team over. It is the most basic and fundamental aspect of leadership. Without trust, there can be no desire to follow.
Had an accident in training today... almost got swept away into the ocean due to the strong under current. It wasn't as bad as last time, yet the same thought popped into my head to when the same thing happened when I was alone under shears bridge.
It was raining heavily, and there was thunder and lightning. I remember how colorful the lightning looked when I was underwater. And I remember wondering if I would be like Leroy. Another drown case in the papers in one of the local bodies of water. Its odd that even such a thought didn't seem to scare me. Perhaps I am too familiar with being so close to death that I have accepted my own mortality long ago.
We were taught not to fear pain, nor death. Its ironic that I had such a strong reaction to those things in the past, but only years later can I not be shaken.
Is being devoid of fear a bad thing? Surely it would have motivated me greatly to swim harder. Perhaps I knew that it wouldn't make a difference anyway so I didn't even try... my body has a way of estimating such things with terrible accuracy.
Yet it is this unshakable nature that allows me to react in times of dire emergency to achieve the most desired outcome.
Perhaps some good came out of it afterall.
Cycled today with the nerd princess, I feel like an egg shell going at that speed.
Thinking back upon the match with fu, I realize why I always speak softly and hardly use vulgarities. Because the part of me which I hate the most uses the complete opposite.
Our voice, magnified our power. Each yell, a confirmation of the commitment to the attack.
Fear of using that, feeling like that again.
I understand that part of me more than before, yet my fear of it hasn't dropped.
I will never forget that night. Looking down, blood everywhere, blood on my knuckles. Yet no pain, only a burning sensation in every part of my body, in my veins, in my heart.
Control.
That is one thing that gives me the upper hand.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
He was always at the little reunions and gatherings that were organized, so I've seen him around quite often. But the funny thing is, standing there opposite him that night, it seemed as though we haven't met for ages.
He had the ultimate offensive strategy and technique. It was a method known as the light-step. By not moving the eyes off your opponent, nor head as you move forward, your opponent will be fooled to think that you haven't moved, yet before he realized it, he can be right in front of you and in range for attack.
My defensive strategy and technique on the other hand, was unbeaten as well. I called it the wind-step, because I would hang in the air delivering the attack. Making use of immense rotation of the hips, I could jump sideways while delivering a pin-point kick while the opponent is making an attack.
I'm not sure why he decided to join Si and me for fight night, but I know why all those years ago I longed for a match so much with him, yet dreaded it at the same time.
After so many years, we still knew each other's trademark moves and habits. Being on the same team and watching each other's matches so often helped, I guess. Yet we never had a match after the first one.
The wind was calm.
I focused on his torso. It was something I started doing once I figured out how the light-step worked, so many years back. By watching his torso I had peripheral vision of his limbs, so I could react faster. But most importantly, I would not be deceived by his eyes and head and fall into his trap.
This however, made me more prone to feints, which he was aiming for, so that I would execute the wind-step and he would be able to do a reversal.
Then I remembered why I dreaded this match so much.
Back then, it was always us versus them. A battle for pride, fight for survival. But when it came to friends, I couldn't commit for the longest time.
When I began to realize who I became in order to overcome my opponents, and worse still, that he was uncontrollable, and saw everyone as opponents, every person as a stepping stone to overcome; I became scared.
I'd like to believe that my own inferiority complexes were not that extreme, that somewhere along the line, when it mixed with the desire to fight, it turned into a deep hatred, and the bright red aura that I once had turned into a blood red one.
Fire is a powerful driving force. It can motivate you to do things you would never imagine if you can contain and divert its energy. But for some people, it grows, and grows, until its so strong that it blinds you, and consumes you, and soon, it will control you, instead of you control it.
Nowadays, I wish that I would find another part of me that was just as strong in that aspect. But I still haven't yet. When I feel similar auras to that which I once had from friends, despite them having weaker ones; I dare not commit to the competition.
I will not bear such negative thoughts to my friends, I will not become that person again. One who has no loyalties, one who reads and manipulates every person to his own liking.
I look at those whom are able to use it with envy. If I had never let mine get out of control in the past, perhaps I would be able to enjoy that feeling too.
So our fight for the night was concluded. In the past, if I were the person I was, I would have beaten him, like I did so many years ago. But now, I can no longer be that person.
I haven't sealed him away anymore, but I don't let him come out. I wish that I could control him, to make use of his strength, but its just not possible.
He is the complete opposite of control, afterall.
Reu says:
I don't expect you to grasp this now
Reu says:
because you need to think how you think to work like how you work
Reu says:
that's why I like your spirit ^_^
eighteen seconds before sunrise says:
fuck
eighteen seconds before sunrise says:
i dun tink how i tink
Case point one. Case point two, the nerd princess.
Unblinded now, I know who I am and what I want to do, instead of be pulled along or driven by his desire, his anger, listless and without a clue.
He had the ultimate offensive strategy and technique. It was a method known as the light-step. By not moving the eyes off your opponent, nor head as you move forward, your opponent will be fooled to think that you haven't moved, yet before he realized it, he can be right in front of you and in range for attack.
My defensive strategy and technique on the other hand, was unbeaten as well. I called it the wind-step, because I would hang in the air delivering the attack. Making use of immense rotation of the hips, I could jump sideways while delivering a pin-point kick while the opponent is making an attack.
I'm not sure why he decided to join Si and me for fight night, but I know why all those years ago I longed for a match so much with him, yet dreaded it at the same time.
After so many years, we still knew each other's trademark moves and habits. Being on the same team and watching each other's matches so often helped, I guess. Yet we never had a match after the first one.
The wind was calm.
I focused on his torso. It was something I started doing once I figured out how the light-step worked, so many years back. By watching his torso I had peripheral vision of his limbs, so I could react faster. But most importantly, I would not be deceived by his eyes and head and fall into his trap.
This however, made me more prone to feints, which he was aiming for, so that I would execute the wind-step and he would be able to do a reversal.
Then I remembered why I dreaded this match so much.
Back then, it was always us versus them. A battle for pride, fight for survival. But when it came to friends, I couldn't commit for the longest time.
When I began to realize who I became in order to overcome my opponents, and worse still, that he was uncontrollable, and saw everyone as opponents, every person as a stepping stone to overcome; I became scared.
I'd like to believe that my own inferiority complexes were not that extreme, that somewhere along the line, when it mixed with the desire to fight, it turned into a deep hatred, and the bright red aura that I once had turned into a blood red one.
Fire is a powerful driving force. It can motivate you to do things you would never imagine if you can contain and divert its energy. But for some people, it grows, and grows, until its so strong that it blinds you, and consumes you, and soon, it will control you, instead of you control it.
Nowadays, I wish that I would find another part of me that was just as strong in that aspect. But I still haven't yet. When I feel similar auras to that which I once had from friends, despite them having weaker ones; I dare not commit to the competition.
I will not bear such negative thoughts to my friends, I will not become that person again. One who has no loyalties, one who reads and manipulates every person to his own liking.
I look at those whom are able to use it with envy. If I had never let mine get out of control in the past, perhaps I would be able to enjoy that feeling too.
So our fight for the night was concluded. In the past, if I were the person I was, I would have beaten him, like I did so many years ago. But now, I can no longer be that person.
I haven't sealed him away anymore, but I don't let him come out. I wish that I could control him, to make use of his strength, but its just not possible.
He is the complete opposite of control, afterall.
Reu says:
I don't expect you to grasp this now
Reu says:
because you need to think how you think to work like how you work
Reu says:
that's why I like your spirit ^_^
eighteen seconds before sunrise says:
fuck
eighteen seconds before sunrise says:
i dun tink how i tink
Case point one. Case point two, the nerd princess.
Unblinded now, I know who I am and what I want to do, instead of be pulled along or driven by his desire, his anger, listless and without a clue.
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