Dog wants to have more say in the team. A singular captaincy. I'm happy that he is finally showing more enthusiasm in leading the team, yet I worry because I recognize his current state to be much to early to be winning over majority of the team.

Its a sickening feeling, because the probability of failure at his stage and character is too high. Though perhaps he may learn quickly enough to make it for the vote.

As much as I want to help him and do the official appointment, as he may want, he must win his own team over. It is the most basic and fundamental aspect of leadership. Without trust, there can be no desire to follow.


Had an accident in training today... almost got swept away into the ocean due to the strong under current. It wasn't as bad as last time, yet the same thought popped into my head to when the same thing happened when I was alone under shears bridge.

It was raining heavily, and there was thunder and lightning. I remember how colorful the lightning looked when I was underwater. And I remember wondering if I would be like Leroy. Another drown case in the papers in one of the local bodies of water. Its odd that even such a thought didn't seem to scare me. Perhaps I am too familiar with being so close to death that I have accepted my own mortality long ago.

We were taught not to fear pain, nor death. Its ironic that I had such a strong reaction to those things in the past, but only years later can I not be shaken.

Is being devoid of fear a bad thing? Surely it would have motivated me greatly to swim harder. Perhaps I knew that it wouldn't make a difference anyway so I didn't even try... my body has a way of estimating such things with terrible accuracy.

Yet it is this unshakable nature that allows me to react in times of dire emergency to achieve the most desired outcome.

Perhaps some good came out of it afterall.



Cycled today with the nerd princess, I feel like an egg shell going at that speed.



Thinking back upon the match with fu, I realize why I always speak softly and hardly use vulgarities. Because the part of me which I hate the most uses the complete opposite.

Our voice, magnified our power. Each yell, a confirmation of the commitment to the attack.

Fear of using that, feeling like that again.

I understand that part of me more than before, yet my fear of it hasn't dropped.

I will never forget that night. Looking down, blood everywhere, blood on my knuckles. Yet no pain, only a burning sensation in every part of my body, in my veins, in my heart.

Control.

That is one thing that gives me the upper hand.