Hosting a game of dota for the recce guys at the moment while waiting to go run.

WCG standard is rather impressive. The beauty of this game really is how you help each other out using each character's unique skills.








Reunion dinner with the old squad today.

There was a time when I would think of any lame excuse to miss meeting them. But not today.

Its a weird feeling, when you spot old friends 100 metres away, and they look at you and both sides recognize each other.

Everyone's changed so much.

Just looking at the group of us, you'd never imaging the shit that we went through. Shit that makes anything that they can throw at you in bmt, sispec or ocs nothing. Physically, mentally, emotionally, nothing comes close. Nothing.

I remember there was one training when I blacked out three times as a conditioned athlete. Another when I couldn't walk properly for a week.

Which kind of makes sense now that I think about the 119 ppl who signed up for db in my first year who quit, leaving me the lone survivor in the hellish training.

N has the most hilarious way of saying or asking simple questions like "how you know?" with extremely aggressive hand languages while speaking in a moderate tone.


Back then he asked me "If you had a choice, would you stay?"

And today he asked me "If you had a choice would you have stayed?"

And although the answer is clear, somehow I could not answer him for awhile.



Who we desire to be.

Who we are is based on influences with respect to the people, the training, the environment.

That was not who I wanted to be.

I suppose mine was always a more extreme involvement in every way.




One of the guys said in his usual upfront manner "You're like the faster smarter version of M la. You're arty, you can do design, you can do music, you got the muscle, you got the height, you got the looks, you do sports, you're like the perfect all-rounder."

To which I replied "Yeah, I can't speak chinese fluently."

Somehow I resented him talking so highly of me. Maybe I prefer to think of myself as the underdog. That's how it was in the past for most of the time anyway.




Sometimes I hear his voice trying to crawl up my throat. I feel the power. That immense aura. But the desire to let him out grows weaker as time goes by. Nowadays I can shrug him off.

I'm quite good at holding up the perfect front.

I pride myself in being able to see through people. Reading people on several levels to discover their weaknesses.

I would make each of those weaknesses my strength.

But now I must do the same for character.

I am done living my life doing anything it takes to get what I want.

One day you look at all the animals and wonder what sets you apart with all the vast knowledge that you have? Would you work toward a better world or would you conform to being nothing more than a savage beast?