Been a whole day of music today. Best part of my work is that sometimes I need to go and take a nap and incubate the ideas before coming up with something awesome.

Its not possible to force logic into something that requires so much more. Music forms in the sub-conscious, and the only way to work on it there is to incubate it, go to sleep, or play. Hahaha.

Gymed at noon with the dog. Talked alot about N team and how things are looking up now that Mr N is going to take over. Perhaps he will be able to change things. I hope so. If he does, then maybe I will reconsider. The only way is to supercede the incompetent wee kok and etc, which Mr N hopes to accomplish. Only time will tell. There's a special language that only canoeists can speak to each other in. A language that only comes with one-on-one time in the water, feeling it and understanding how it reacts and influences you beyond anything accomplish able in a dragonboat. Its nice being able to speak it again.

Nitek asked if there was anything beyond the dog. I don't think there needs to be anything too spectacularly ground-breaking. He is just someone who is frustrated in the psychological barriers that people set up for him. It is this frustration that drives him. Something that is quite common, if you think about it.

For some, this barrier could be presented in the form of money, physique, control of life, company, power, girls, sex; there are so many, because everyone goes through different things in life, and so they can be so similar, yet some may not understand another's barrier completely because it has never been an issue for him.

He has one of the rarest - a barrier of ideal performance state, or stress levels related to performance. So I suppose, you could say that it is indeed interesting.

People have several barriers that they wish to overcome, you can tell by how they talk about it, how they work on it. As athletes we can relate to each other by them because it all boils down to the same thing; the fight to prove that we can break down these barriers and ultimately control our own destiny.

Went to Sensei Th to re-align my neck and spine because of the godamn headaches. Got scolded for pushing too hard. Didn't quite feel like arguing with him. There's no way one can improve if he progresses too slowly. But I will be more careful.

I can't remember when the last time I got into an argument and really threw myself into it and debated with emotion and zest. I used to watch them and think about how part of me was amused at how unaware they were of their increasing emotional levels, yet a part of me wanted to be able to be like that again.

When you are forced to be completely aware of your emotions, it really takes the fun out of alot of things. If you look at things logically, you can analyze from different perspectives. If you're too emotionally involved in the argument, you will tend to dive into one perspective, and the brain will only try to reinforce thoughts over and over again creatively, which may be fun, but is not optimal to find the ideal solution to anything at all.

I probably had to learn to stay in control of everything, even arguments through, ironically, fighting. You need to stay in control at all times. Getting too involved into it breeds frustration, which hampers reaction. Going beyond that breeds anger, which creates predictability. This is especially true for someone whose aura is red, is overly competitive and angers extremely easily by nature.

They were hard lessons to learn, but the result is a very unique perspective of the world and the people around you.


When you've brushed against death so many times, things change. Big matters seem like small matters. Life goals seem like inconsequential tasks. You want more in life than the usual person. You wake up.

Perhaps these past few days I've been working so hard on my music because if things go wrong on wednesday, at least people will be able to listen and say "hey, this guy was a frickin genius."

It was something I discovered earlier on in life which is probably the cause of my extremely unusual path in life.

If you die, no one will give a damn about how smart you were, what your grades were, whether you had a degree or phd, how much money you made, what car you drove, what house you lived in, what an asshole of a boss you were. But if you've touched someone's life, and I mean really touched, it, they will damn well remember it. Either through being that good captain, or that composer of the track that melted your cold heart. This I know, because I remember each person that did that for me.

I was warned in the past, that if I had exhausted myself too far, the injury would cause death. Because the hit itself would have killed a normal person. Yet every time I lay there on the floor in pain after the runs around the neighbourhood, I never regretted it. Maybe I know I did good somehow among all the bad.

There's a saying that whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Then I would probably be the strongest person I know.

Everyone has different desires in life, because we all grew up differently. Perhaps one day someone will be able to understand my desires. But its not likely.