Seeing that piece of paper yesterday made me remember all the thoughts that came pouring in during and after the Os. So many secrets. I feel sick just remembering them.

I decided that I wanted to take control of my life, and screw the route that so many people were taking.

I worry for those who are only starting their journey into what they want to do for the rest of their life. What if like me, they realize that it isn't all that its made out to be, what if they dislike it? Will they be as lucky to find a side road? This was precisely the situation I didn't want to get myself into back then. It may be the shallow foresight of a secondary school kid, but it still makes sense up to now. I believe that the money will come, either way, its whether you enjoy making the currency or dread the job you have to do earning it and have to look forward to spending it so much.

Ultimately, there are successful people who enjoy their jobs, and successful people who don't enjoy their jobs, grow old faster and peace out faster.

Maybe it was the period after the tkd stint that opened my eyes as to how fragile life was, and made me wonder what we live for. I didn't want to conform to society's requirements on what would make you "successful" in life. Anyone who does something because everyone else is doing it, or because someone tells you to do it, is not living his own life. Unless life means to follow people around for the rest of your life, and I never was the type to follow people around.

There are people who want to belong to a group. But somehow, I am, and may forever be a loner. Because if you want to be the best, you need to rise above the rest. Its nice to have allies along the way, comrades, and rivals to push you on.

Then there are loners, who don't like being pushed around, don't like following crowds, yet are blind as to what they can accomplish, because they have been conforming all their life.

Too much brainwashing? Perhaps. You must feel and read your opponent. His every move mirrors his every thoughts. His eyes are the window to his soul. An open book to read. Every action, mirrors every agenda. His every agenda will lead you to his ultimate goal. Understand him, feel his anger, or fear, and you will conquer him.

Reading an opponent is something that must be practiced. You practice it with your squad, then you practice it with those around you, soon you cannot help but read your friends, family, everyone.

The objective of reading an opponent and searching to understand him is to overcome him. "Everyone is selfish". That's something that I keep telling myself is not true, but back then, it was all I could think of. When you see and can understand every weakness, every insecurity, every idiosyncrasy, you hate everyone. You are disgusted with every weak shit that you come across.

There are people who look at other people, and can observe the surface weaknesses, what more would these people think if they knew of their deepest darkest fears?

The journey to the top is lonely at times. Before a race in a dragonboat, I feel at ease, because there are many teammates that will accompany you to that goal. But for canoeing, I remember the solemnity and loneliness.

You cannot fight your opponent until you have fought everything around him, everything around you, and, yourself. You are all alone. No one to depend on.

Is this the answer that I was searching for this past year? I don't think there are any other walls to break down now. Everything that I tried so hard to forget, everything that was too painful to remember.

But there must be something else that I'm not remembering. Because at this point I can still control myself from going too far, losing friends and companions again.

Blocks.

Maybe there are more walls that I have yet to overcome. Afraid that remembering may push me beyond the point of no return. But if that happens, I hope that I can read this and realize what has happened.

My objective is to find the balance. Simply put, don't become a loner, yet achieve my goal. Don't lose myself again. Its not going to be very fun at the top if you can't enjoy it.