Researched on UFC.

Sad to say, there are still rules.

There is one sad truth about the high rate of tkd fighters losing, to muay thai or what not.

Muay thai's objective is to take the opponent down.

For tkd sparring on the other hand, the only objcetive is to score a point, no matter how weak the hit, then the ref will call for a pause.

So obviously, once the tkf fighter scores a point, and the match continues, its time to go down.

But whats sadder, is that as a black belt in tkd, you learn a barrage of moves which cannot be used in a spar. The disabling and lethal moves which I could never understand why we practiced if we are not supposed to use them.

Watching the ufc matches, I can spot so many openings whereby the match could have ended instantly.

I remember the days of frustration at the rules of sparring.

"Why the heck couldn't I do that?"

"Why isn't that allowed?"

Tkd sparring is very controlled and non-lethal. Supposedly.

That's when the days of research started. First it was on other martial arts and concepts, then, the banned practices and trainings.

There's a reason why you don't use some techniques. There's a reason why some practices are banned.

And as I come to yearn more and more to get back into it... there's a reason why I need to stop myself.

I remember why I had to pull myself away from it last time. Why I had to run away.

How I tried so hard and eventually succeeded in forgetting.

It was never about the reaction, or the rage.

It was about what they made me forget to avoid.

I can't believe that I had forgotten.

I almost blurted it out to someone today. But I will hate myself if I ever teach someone else what I had discovered and practiced. How I hated having to control myself so much, when it would be so easy to just use those techniques in a match.

Someone once told me "You are illusioned by thinking that you possess some sort of power greater than that of normal people. What makes you think that you are capable of things that normal people can not do?"

That person sadly, is very naive.

We all control ourselves. But there is a big difference between having to restrict yourself from using two hands to remove a piece from the lego structure, and having to restrict yourself from using one finger to completely destroy it in its entirety.

Do I have a greater discipline now?

It was the one thing I lacked in the past to deal with this.

I was never one to conform to the rules of the game, the rules of normal people, the rules of life.

I would not be able to forgive myself if I ever put someone else in my position.

Its better off playing the game and enjoying it while conforming to the rules, than rising above it and keep asking yourself why I have to limit myself to these stupid rules? Because once that happens, the game is no longer enjoyable, and when you have to force yourself to "level down", you feel so stupid.

Which is why I must not ruin the game for someone. If he wants to play it, let him enjoy it. Because once I learned what I had learned, it was ruined for me. And my perception of life changed completely. No matter how much you think you can restrict yourself, there is no guarantee, as I found out myself. Then once you test and rise above the system, you become disillusioned.

There was always a part of me that still remembered vaguely somehow, luckily. But now I remember everything. I'm suprised at how much I was able to forget.

Perhaps forgetting again is one solution. Perhaps a greater discipline is a better one.

Maybe the game will forever be ruined for me because when you take one step up from the game of sparring, you enter the game of life. And that's not something you should even play with.