I'm starting to think that just as I may have the maturity to deal with that environment now, unlike last time, it may be possible that I might be able to deal with competitive sparring again.

I am no longer the kid that would get extremely pissed immediately after losing a game, who's eyes would get red, and he would get just so frustrated. I can hold it in until the proper place. Its still important to hate losing, though. Its important for anyone who wants to compete. But how we deal with it is important.

Perhaps I ran away for nothing in the past. I did stop the attack in time, after all. But ended up kicking myself over it over and over again anyway. And instead of dealing with it, I ran away. Was it so scary? I just became who I trained to be.

I remember the mental walls that were slowly broken down one by one, match after match. Until the day I let reversaling become secondary tactic and let myself become what I had always tried so hard not to become - the aggressor.

There's always something in your gut telling you not to do something, telling you not to go there. And the nearer you approach it, the louder it screams to stop.

Interest is not enough, curiousity is not enough, open-mindedness is not enough. What if one day, you become so desperate, you suddenly have the power to mute that voice?

I can't remember what happened exactly. I remember vaguely that I felt very hot, like all the hairs on my skin were standing, and the blood inside me was rushing 10 times faster than usual. Unimaginable, yet it felt so sick. I knew it would.

I remember how he was lying on the floor, his eyes were rolling backward until you could only see the eye white. They were fanning him, trying to get his headgear off.

They were looking at me as if I had done something wrong, and all I could think of was that he was a sorry loser for letting me score that hit.

I always knew that things would go bad if I ever let him take control. But instead of learning how to control him, I ran away.

Rowing is a safe sport. Even if you lose it, the water can't get hurt. And you're not targetting any person. But its because of these two factors that the simulation will never be the same. I will never know until I try again.

I know that I've grown stronger, so I should be more capable of controlling him. My only fear is that after all this time, he too has become stronger, maybe even stronger than me.

But no matter how big the opponent, there is always a way. Bigger opponents have bigger target points after all.