Dinner and super long chat with CM just now.

Explored the hidden food secrets... I can't he made such an awesome finding in the basement haha. I made one of my own too.

I think that among the safsa group, he is the most driven by his inferiority complexes.

On DL's side, probably the most blessed, and hence, the least driven because there is no inferiority complex to challenge him? Or so it seems, because if there is no active or passive, there is a hidden. But what drives him mad is that he himself has no clue as to what it is.

On NG's side, he's blessed too, smart guy, don't need to study too hard, perhaps? Or a facade? From my account, there is but one active, one passive, and one hidden. The active is the... size. Most common, physique, not that big a deal actually. The passive, could be amplified by the trauma of being bullied and ganked, leading to the outbursts of "road rage". The hidden... well, I won't log it today.

On CM's side, I see alot of similarities to myself. Study wise, physique wise, the desire to prove himself. He is probably the most driven because he is only just beginning to realize what he is capable of, and wants to explore that.

Not sure? We were just speculating. Of course the only ones who would have a clear account of their history and any inferiority complexes would be they themselves. Its something to think about, is it not?

On my side, the drive is waning. I think I challenged them early on... in studies, in music, in confidence among huge crowds, in public speaking, in socio-manipulation and psycho-manipulation, in climbing up social ladders and hierarchy, in sports, fighting, physique, has made me forget somewhat about the spirit of the "fight".

Or perhaps it was because I let that drive fuel me so much and deeply into that thing in the past, that I trapped myself, got myself into deeper shit than I thought possible, and wanted to run away.

It wasn't just the fighting and being afraid of what I would do to the people around me and how I would deal with the consequences of my actions. It was the disgust of the people around me, which CM is experiencing at the moment. When you can read people, really read people, then everything changes.


We are lucky to be unblessed. Because by being challenged by our inferiority complexes, we derive the drive to dream for more for ourselves. But the drive must be channeled wisely.

There are times when I think back about that incident with the 3 of them. Or that 1 guy. What would a normal person have done? Would he have apologized or ran?

I remember... I was trying to think of what to do, but I knew I had to do it before they did anything. And then my blood was rushing so fast it felt like it was on fire as I did what came instinctively. Its happened countless times before in the past. After the bow, you can wait for him to make the first attack so that you can counter, but you can't play the counter game forever. You need to make the attack as fast as possible so that he can't see it coming. So that he won't be able to react.

It will hurt.

I don't want to hurt.

I need to stop him first.

Make him hurt instead.


I may die.

I don't want to die.

I need to stop him first.

Let him die instead.


Running away or apologizing was never an available option.

I wish not to relive anymore of this part of my past. Its dark and I don't like it. As silly as it sounds I just want to keep moving towards the light right now.

The reason why I want to learn muay thai is to reconfigure my reflexes and to learn how to attack in a non-lethal and safer manner.



Let me just record down CM's ever-comical depictions of people.

NG is like some demon constantly on the prowl, ever trying to influence and darken DL.

DL is like got the light from heaven shine down on him, slowly glowing and making the dark patches from the demon NG peel away, but NG keeps pulling him.

RK is like the father in the church, always very calm and wise then suddenly leap out and slash and kill people.

wth?



The reason I blog is to way-point my journey through emotional quotient enlightenment. Self psycho-analysis is an important part of growing. I suppose I don't mind a couple of close friends coming along for the ride and learning as well because...


I'm learning from them as well.


The noble part of me says its only right to give back if you take.