Its been a long time since I could get down to some serious posting. But now that I have full control over the security of this journal, I suppose I can filter a little less.


Up to this point, I'm still unsure whether getting back into the ring was a good idea or not.

Having an outlet into a "controlled environment" seems like a logical thing to do. A little ice cream every once in a awhile is better than downing a whole small tub of haagan daz in a day... that's 64grms of fat which is about 2.5 times the recommended daily fat intake wtf.

Are some sins okay if committed in moderation?

All I know is I feel more at peace now. No more do I look around and heighten my senses or look for potential threats. No more do I feel like whacking things.

I know its not "normal behavior", but with respect to the fact that everyone is different, everyone is capable of different things, and everyone has different desires, experiences, memories and trauma, drawing a circle around any group with the purpose of deriving an averaged or normal set of standards doesn't seem like a very easy task.

Hoho I try to justify.

That night when I felt my fist clench and suddenly become light. When the pupils in his twisted eyes widen, then fade to nothing. And all danger I sense from him dissipated as he slumped to the ground. I felt insanely powerful.

Here was a sorry shit who thought he could mess with me. But I stood up for myself.

But I was also scared, because I knew that it wasn't me who disabled him.

I know how to throw a punch. I know how to image it, how to aim it, and how to execute it. But that night, I only felt the tightening, and then it was over. The conscious stages of the sequence were missing. And I knew that he had taken over again. But I was lucky wake up before anything else happened.

Reaction is always faster than thought. By the time you think, you're dead. Second nature reflexes is something that must be trained and mastered.

But what if something along the line, something happened, and the controlling pathway to your reflexes get hijacked by something else?


They say the harder the metal, the higher the temperature is required to mold it.

And so long ago, the fire was so hot, that all the other alloys melted away, uncovering something that shouldn't have been uncovered.

The normal incentives are anger, frustration, stress, disappointment.

But what if you were forced to go further? Desperation? Survival?

However I will run away no more. This 'problem' has only came back to haunt me again and again.

I hear his voice sometimes during training. But every time I hear him now, I can ignore him. And I know that I am stronger. There's a difference between running away from that voice, and acknowledging him, but choosing another course of action.




Crazy eyed doll asked an interesting question today. Why did my junior become the team captain before me?

It was because I ran away from the problem.

In disappointment and frustration at the team at that time, I joined canoeing. I took the loner and selfish way out. The way I was always so used to. The way that kept me safer, made me less vulnerable.

Instead of trying to help the team, I went out to fight my own battle in my own boat. I knew that I trained harder than anyone else in the team, and deserved at least to go for a race or get a medal back, or have a damn chance at a medal. And so I let Jem and Jon try to pull things together on their own.

But they were still inexperienced. And I regret to say that had I stayed to fight alongside them, the team wouldn't have had so many problems.

Its all in the past now. There are times when I see him and am reminded of the guilt of bailing on them. But I also know that they would never be able to understand how I would feel, because they did not go through the same things I did earlier on with the team.

Perhaps that is part of the reason why I went back in the end to make things right for the team. To rebuild everything I hated. To change everything I detested.

There are leaders who will read and follow the manual. And there are leaders who read then rewrite the stupid fucking manual.

Perhaps there can only be one 'team' for me. They were my team. Sad to say, not the current one. They were my brothers, and we were all united and close. No small groups here and there, no stupid politics. I had made sure that there was none of that. We accepted each other for who we were.

Perhaps it was because I was so attached to that team, that I cannot fully accept the current one. Maybe I'm afraid of the hurt when I leave them.

I remember the night that I told the team that I was invited to join the national team. It was the hardest debrief to make. Though I knew it was the right time to leave them. I had mentored and trained the new exco for long enough, and knew that they were more than capable.

The nteam was something worth looking up to back then. Nothing at all like the current state sad to say.

And despite the previous plans, I cannot find the energy to expand into reforming it at the moment.



I'd like to believe that no matter good you are, you can't stay in front and lead forever. Energy must be recovered.

Maybe right now I just need to get back to fighting my own battles again.



As long as you are holding on to something, you cannot grasp anything new.

As long as you are making a fist, you cannot hold on to anything.


Things I can tell other people so easily, yet find so hard to do.