Dad can act like such a naggy auntie sometimes.

Quite sad that I have to be the bigger man and tolerate, walk away.

Not that I have a choice really. People with small capacities can empty all they want, but sometimes its so frustrating to have to control.

Temperance, control and discipline are the walls that hold us from becoming monsters. Though I must admit, the thought did cross my mind. Pre-battle imaging did occur, I saw the movement, and the contact point, and it hurts so much to have to stop the flow from building up, but it must be done.

When I heard that voice come out of me, I was scared. Every time I feel that familiar sensation, I run as far away from it as possible. Every time I feel myself nearing that line, I lower the volume of my voice as much as possible. Never will I let him out.

It was everything I was afraid to be, but knew that I had to be back then. I am not cut out to be a fighter. I always looked for the peaceful way out, the logical way out. I was afraid of pain, afraid of death, and didn't want to cause either to anyone else. But the ring was no place for such a person. And I couldn't change, therefore I created him.

An immature fighter's spirit. Fast to anger, easily excited, a strong affinity to destruction and hatred. But most importantly, he had the courage that I could never muster. He was everything that I could not be, but had to be. Someone a coward could turn to when he needed to.

And so, even when I stopped practicing, he still stayed around. It seems the neurological pathing will forever be a familiar route that electrical signals will be passed through. A path that once created, can never be destroyed, as surely as one will never forget how to ride a bicycle.

Its not like I have split personalities. Everyone has several personalities. This one just happens to be the most aggresive and twisted.

At least its not the most malicious.

Being creatively smart can be dangerous at times. Engineering a musical score, or a race strategy so complex and intricate, yet beautiful and diverse, has the same potential to fathom such a personality for the sole purpose of excelling in an area, or perhaps, survival.

All I know is, once he's out, "GG."

Anyway, the agitator is usually nice, despite his provocations, logically speaking, it would be silly to send him to the hospital because of such a trivial matter.




This is why these few days I have been having trouble deciding if the dog was right. Even though he has no idea what he is talking about or may potentially be getting himself into.

Deviousness. Perhaps for some people, it may not seem like a possible thing. But it is so very possible to control a subject without him knowing. Without him even suspecting a thing. This is a level that I prided myself in achieving, but a level that broke so many moral and ethical laws.

Because people think that deception works on a one-dimensional plane. But you can reveal the first dimension and let him wander in it while you control the second dimension, and you can reveal the second dimension while you control the third dimension.

But in the end, no one will know the real you. They will praise the person that achieved all these great things, but you know that it is not you, nor is it someone that you want to be.

In the end, you will have nothing.

Why have I lost direction? Perhaps recent events have required this personality to come out for survival.

But I must know better.

The goal was never to make them fear me. The goal was never to make them listen to me and follow me blindly.

As he taught me how to thread my own path, how to choose my own goal, so will I grant them the freedom to choose.

Because if you are really a truly worthy leader, they will follow. They may ask questions, they may doubt, but it will only be a good sign.

The goal was to teach them how to think. So that one day, they will choose their own path, and break away from the rest.

It may not be immediate, it may require years of incubation, and some may not even respond to it. But even if one reponds, then it will have worked.

Because you can have the strongest team, like a certain jc, but once you break contact from the teacher, they wane, then you will know that they are the strongest but dumbest team, and they will not succeed, because the teacher was the source, instead of themselves.

Why do I want to give this to them? Maybe I want to make up for all that I've done. Maybe its just another system that I need to test.

Maybe I aspire to be someone better. Maybe I need this to break out of the layers of deception that I laid onto myself just to ease my conscience.

There's a part of me that you couldn't even imagine, whatever you've seen or fathomed yourself is but the first layer, second at most. We are all gifted in different, unique areas.

And I'm just so sick of it. I don't want any part of it anymore.

How do you unteach yourself how to ride a bike?