I'm a lousy runner.

I've been running alot, pretty often too, and I'm still stuck above 10 mins for 2.4km run.

So confused.

Every time I push myself, and get into the psych, I'll feel a little bit of that familiar excitement from long ago. Perhaps up to today, my self restraint to prevent me from falling into that pit as I did that time has been limiting my performance.

I'll find myself looking through those eyes and loving it, the feeling of being invulnerable, like a bomb about to explode at any time. Anger feeds on anger and anger likes it.

But sometimes I wonder, if it is possible to harness that power and control it to use it to gain greater heights? Instead of fearing it, I could use it, learn to control it to my advantage.

Then again, I won't know if I will be able to control it, because once it takes over, there's no more conscious thought involved, only reaction, impulses and the desire to fight.

I can only hope, that as my current persona grows and changes, that that persona of myself will also change, not for the worse, but for the better.

Ironically, it is the fear and regret of that persona, that increases my awareness of my own thoughts and feelings at present; without which, I would probably not be able to comprehend things as I now do.

Is it really so good to know so many things? Is it not more enjoyable to be led by much simpler things?

I look at the people around me, and admire them.

For their straight-forward thinking, and the ability to see things from one perspective and be content. Never worrying about the other sides to the cube.

For the ability to get angry without worrying about the consequences.

Every time I feel myself going there, I have to fight it. And it drives me mad because at times I want to just let loose, but just the thought of what might happen...

Many times in the past it has played in my head. Things that would be so easy to do, yet I would not know how to answer for.

I still remember that match. When I snuck in a cheap snap punch to his collar bone, and he staggered back with the expression of pain on his face, from there little by little, I began to want to go further.

There are some barriers that a man cannot break down. Because once they are down, there is not enough stopping force to restrict one's actions into the safe bounds of what is ethical and what is right.



So thus is my conundrum.



Which walls to build back up? And which to leave down?