Wednesday and thursday was the first time I had attempted to run a camp with Jo. The time spent planning with the exco paid off, although some improvisation had to be made.

Well, I think we all got to know each other a little better. Perhaps the camp gave me some new insights as to what it means to be where I am too. One would think that leading a team would be all about courage, strength, fire, and all the heroic nonsense they would make you believe on tv...

But I've felt worry, when I see them unable to keep a clear mind.

And I've felt pain, when they come up and tell me that they feel ostracized from the group, when they feel like they don't belong, and don't fit in.

Its sad that we need to feel accepted. Even if sometimes we need to accept ourselves first.

Its sad that those in their own groups do not see the pain in that individual who is looking at them.

Perhaps I understand how they feel, in more ways than one. I had always flown solo, I have never confided my worries or thoughts to anyone, ever since secondary school. If Hong hadn't decided to guide me and train me during my second year, perhaps I would have left? Ahhh but I remember now. I stayed because I wanted to beat them. But yet he helped me. We're all in this team for our own reasons. They change over time. Sometimes you want to be with other people, sometimes you just want to beat them and show that you're better. Sometimes you wish they'd just work as a team.

And seeing him that day, that over-competitiveness... it looked oh so familiar. I remember the times that I had played a game and didn't think of anything else except to win. Except to get that point. It tore me up inside when I lost. I felt angry, I felt hate. But now I wonder if I had actually grown up and became a more thoughtful player, or did I let my fighting spirit die down somewhat inside of me.

The heart and mind are forever in conflict. When the heart takes too much lead, we become reckless, we become a danger to ourselves and others. When the mind takes too much lead, we become complacent, we second guess ourselves and others. Once again I am reminded that everything requires a balance, to concentrate and yield that power. To give if focus and direction.

I knew once the decision was made, that I would not be able to train as often as I wanted in the k1 to make it for that goal. Sometimes I dare not think if it was worth it or not.

But when they are getting along, it eases my heart a little.