Losing focus.

So now, I've got everything that I want.

A nice 8-530pm ns vocation designing games in an airconditioned room. Alternate days are spent travelling directly to kallang for training, then rushing home to eat, shower and sleep to wake up early the next morning.

There's even time for me to go to the gym or go for a run during lunchbreak at camp. My only complaint is that camp is so bloody far away... like... 1.5-2 hours travelling time by mrt then bus.

Not sure why, but right when I get everything that I want.. I can't find much joy in it. I look at the ocs cadets around camp, falling in, running around, and wonder if I made the right choice.

Right now I can't even feel excited about going to the sea games. It should be like a big thing, right? But I just can't feel anything.

Has NS made me numb? Or maybe I've been dragonboating for so long that its time for me to take a break.

Went to play basketball, at that court down the street. So many years ago I used to play there everyday. Anytime I'd go down and I'd know people there. Now, all strangers.

Then I had the weirdest compulsion to drop by taekwondo class. Gave Sir a call... his number still hasn't changed... and changed into my gi and headed down.

I look so different in the gi now... its been what, 3-4 years since I last put it on? I remember how excited I was when I first got that black collared gi, with my black belt. And I remember the pride which I felt when I wore it for the first time, with my name enbroidered in golden chinese characters on the belt.

Taekwondo was the first place where my perception of "discipline" was widened.

Where I learnt not to move when I wasn't supposed to, not to look around when I wasn't supposed to.

Where I once felt stupid having to shout stupid nonsensical gibberish, where I later learnt how to give a blood curdling scream.

Where I learnt to beauty and art of movement and choreography, and learnt how to fly, and make objects fly.

Where I discovered how difficult it was to control a class, where I learnt to make them shut up and stand still with a single word.

Where I learnt to shout and scream at them with my mouth, then where I learnt that I could do the same thing more quietly with my eyes.

Where I learnt to think about what my opponent is thinking, where I learnt to read other people.

Where I learnt how powerful if felt to be able to knock a person out, where I learnt the fear and remorse when I actually did.

Where I learnt ultimately, self control, and through that, compassion, and perhaps, a fear of myself.

And through all that, He was there. The first person whom I called "Sir".



Alot has changed, in the class. The poom belts are very "nua". Only the imported black belt showed any form of control over his surroundings. Which is sad.

It was at that class, which I discipled my first 4 junior black belts. Taught them understanding of the class. How to not take things personally, and think of solutions from an outside perspective.

Sad that they weren't there today. Its been so long, afterall. Perhaps they too found other areas in life that they wish to pursue.


It felt good to revise through some of the kata. My movements seem to have gotten swifter and faster somehow. I missed the "WHITZ" sound that the gi makes when you execute a punch or block.

Perhaps this ia time of some soul searching for me, to find my fire again.

All I know is I can't go on pretending that nothing is wrong.