Fever last night and fever this morning, was damn scared it would affect me for the race, but I knew I sure as hell was not going to bail on the team nor sit out of any race. 2 panadols + 2 packets of immunocal + 500mg vitamin C = a much better Reu by afternoon.

Hooray.

Nose was acting up, but as long as it didn't zap my stamina, I knew I was a happy rower. And that I confirmed after the first race. For some reason it seems I wasn't that out of breath even... could it be that the medication granted a temporary boost to my stamina? hahaha... how curious.

Then here comes the mens opens race.

16 out of 22 rowers.

wtf?

Perhaps deep inside I knew this number of guys was going to cost us, but somehow it just didn't hit me until this morning.

So I start worrying. Not because things were not looking up for us for the mens opens race, but I couldn't help but worry that it would affect the guys for the mixed event later.

The mental image of your opponent pulling away in a race... a while later you're in the same situation and if your mentality is not very strong you are going to let things repeat. This is human nature; probably the best way to learn too- through psychomotor repetition, and emotional familiarization. But to learn to not try and pull harder and catch up to that boat, is just something I feared the guys would pick up.

Enter the losers mentality.



Talked to Jeremy, headed him up that I suspected that Ben would not do the seating arrangement for the guys... he didn't think it was a possiblity, but true enough, it was so.

The final step in plan to wean off the team.

I suppose I should be grateful, that at least he would teach us to be independant before he leaves us.

He never said anything about leaving, yes, but 3 years with the bugger... I've learnt that he never takes immediate action. Instead he lays his chess pieces strategically to secure his move.

And by so doing, I know that he still cares for the team, and that this move is only for the betterment of it. Maybe he too sees that this is the only way for the team to progress.

Too much has been taken forgranted for, I know I tire of our stagnant and deteriorating situation, but somehow he would find a way to make me stay on with the team.

But even though I can see no other remedy as to this drastic step... I cannot help but worry about the guys team. Why not the girls? Yes, their standard isn't up to the seniors standard, but I sense a strong sisterhood among some of them... in time to come they will reach great peaks, I know it, it will be gold for them again, as long as they do not let their strong bonds become a fence and ostracize some of the other girls.

But as for the guys....
Farhan, Louis, Jonathan, Thomas, Daryl, Melvin, Darren, Yi Xue, Fu chun.

2 of which I know are good rowers, but both have issues with each other.

As for the captaincy... I have no clue.

Winston said a very amusing thing over msn the other day... and it hit me that I would be around long enough... at least till march intake, maybe later... and whats better would be that I would be damned free after august and attachment ends... working on portfolio, freelancing happily...

Perhaps I had given up that possiblity so long ago, but maybe I want to try again.
If only he were right.

Its make or break after this coming AGM. Either I am put in a position which I can make a difference, or I watch the team deteriorate further for another year. 3 years is enough watching...

I remember Jasmine's face after she returned from the ladies event during the summer festival races. I remember how it felt. How I cried inside, standing on the steps facing the singapore river. How giving it your all wasn't enough because it doesn't matter... because the team needs to give it their all too. How I hated him for giving up when he was supposed to be our pillar of support.

Grand dreams. Maybe futile.

Maybe not.