Its been so long since I've blogged.

I think I've got about the ideal ns life right now. Stay out everyday, doing what I like, 3d modelling, games design for ns. And soon, dragonboating for ns. The damned safsa letter still not here yet wah piang eh can wait until I'm old lah.

As I was saying... everyone around the office is nice, there's a pool table... so I'm getting better and learning alot from alot of pros around there, then there's lunch time gyming with tzehao. Going to bring my ps2 in soon so we can train some serious mvc2 and sfa3 ownage.

Haiz... then there's alot of stress around nteam now. We'll probably be sending only 15 guys for the sea games out of our... 25+? That means rowing tests, ergo tests, fitness tests, to see who are the top 15.

Can I make it? I don't know.

If its going to end up like on saturday... where everyone's strength is about the same, and the new guys end up getting beached again. Haiz.. I dunno.

It makes sense in a way, if you can't decide between your rowers will you choose the more experienced one who has been with you for so long, or the young gun?

I need to get godly. And fast. Right now I'm on level 14 on zhilin's insane pullup routine. If I get to level 25 like he is I'll rule the pullup world.

Need to run more, and ergo more.

Haiz... individual rowing time trial looks like my best best right now. I need to work on my weaker spots. I want penguin to cox for me. Somehow I trust him and his encouragements seem the most real to me.

Feel like staying in camp. Its like a damned chalet lah hahaha. Got nice gym, can play basketball, pool, tv and ps2 soon. Played basketball with them the other day. Wah piang eh.. I think when I play with them I deprove like toot haha.

Ok... I gotta go be constructive now.

so today's 4 hour training session left alot of us very dulan haha.

I mean... 4 hours of training kinda sucks. It leaves you not only physically tired but mentally tired... almost unable to psyche up for the next set.

Then the buoys in bedok res are so screwed up... and being in the stupid lesser crew boat, and having to pace with each other, and... argh..........

Fell asleep in the afternoon just now. Shit........

So I've come to the conclusion that over the past few days, I've had a sleep dept, which led to some... complications over my perspectives.

Ugh...

On weekdays: Going back and forth camp all the way at the end of singapore + nteam trainings at night, after which I rush home to eat, shower and sleep asap to try and catch at least 6 hours of sleep.

On weekends: Saturday morning, gotta report to camp by 745am, then training in the afternoon till 7pm, eat, reach home at about 9pm, shower, relax for abour 1-2 hours, try and catch at least 6-7 hours of sleep because on sunday morning there's training at 9am at kallang, that means wake up at about 7am.

I'm going mad I'm going mad.

Really need to take some breaks from training, or else this sleep dept is going to drive me bonkers.

I was so screwed up till I've been contemplating whether it was a good idea to downgrade or not. And whether I should upgrade or not. The possibility to get my sergeant rank is still there.

I still remember the time where I almost signed 5 years of my life away to the red berets.

Its stupid to say that that is a shallow goal about ego and 'honor'. Combatants always seem more garang. It would be hypocritical. Because one could say the exact same thing about joining the team for dragonboat.

Perhaps I just need some balance in life. Maybe thats why Clark Kent had a calm day job. He needed the emotional balance for his hectic alter-ego life.

Perhaps only by having contrast, one can see the balance, and the harmony. Being overwhelmed in either side is to be blind.




Ran to Bishan gym to do stupid ergo just now. Damnit why do I suck so bad at it?! Timing was 3:30mins for 1km. Which is a... fail grade by 1 sec. Shit! Getting there, getting there. Then I ran back home.

Working on some music now. Finally got an interesting idea on how to arrange "training to be soldiers". This is going to rock haha.

Losing focus.

So now, I've got everything that I want.

A nice 8-530pm ns vocation designing games in an airconditioned room. Alternate days are spent travelling directly to kallang for training, then rushing home to eat, shower and sleep to wake up early the next morning.

There's even time for me to go to the gym or go for a run during lunchbreak at camp. My only complaint is that camp is so bloody far away... like... 1.5-2 hours travelling time by mrt then bus.

Not sure why, but right when I get everything that I want.. I can't find much joy in it. I look at the ocs cadets around camp, falling in, running around, and wonder if I made the right choice.

Right now I can't even feel excited about going to the sea games. It should be like a big thing, right? But I just can't feel anything.

Has NS made me numb? Or maybe I've been dragonboating for so long that its time for me to take a break.

Went to play basketball, at that court down the street. So many years ago I used to play there everyday. Anytime I'd go down and I'd know people there. Now, all strangers.

Then I had the weirdest compulsion to drop by taekwondo class. Gave Sir a call... his number still hasn't changed... and changed into my gi and headed down.

I look so different in the gi now... its been what, 3-4 years since I last put it on? I remember how excited I was when I first got that black collared gi, with my black belt. And I remember the pride which I felt when I wore it for the first time, with my name enbroidered in golden chinese characters on the belt.

Taekwondo was the first place where my perception of "discipline" was widened.

Where I learnt not to move when I wasn't supposed to, not to look around when I wasn't supposed to.

Where I once felt stupid having to shout stupid nonsensical gibberish, where I later learnt how to give a blood curdling scream.

Where I learnt to beauty and art of movement and choreography, and learnt how to fly, and make objects fly.

Where I discovered how difficult it was to control a class, where I learnt to make them shut up and stand still with a single word.

Where I learnt to shout and scream at them with my mouth, then where I learnt that I could do the same thing more quietly with my eyes.

Where I learnt to think about what my opponent is thinking, where I learnt to read other people.

Where I learnt how powerful if felt to be able to knock a person out, where I learnt the fear and remorse when I actually did.

Where I learnt ultimately, self control, and through that, compassion, and perhaps, a fear of myself.

And through all that, He was there. The first person whom I called "Sir".



Alot has changed, in the class. The poom belts are very "nua". Only the imported black belt showed any form of control over his surroundings. Which is sad.

It was at that class, which I discipled my first 4 junior black belts. Taught them understanding of the class. How to not take things personally, and think of solutions from an outside perspective.

Sad that they weren't there today. Its been so long, afterall. Perhaps they too found other areas in life that they wish to pursue.


It felt good to revise through some of the kata. My movements seem to have gotten swifter and faster somehow. I missed the "WHITZ" sound that the gi makes when you execute a punch or block.

Perhaps this ia time of some soul searching for me, to find my fire again.

All I know is I can't go on pretending that nothing is wrong.