Dinner and super long chat with CM just now.

Explored the hidden food secrets... I can't he made such an awesome finding in the basement haha. I made one of my own too.

I think that among the safsa group, he is the most driven by his inferiority complexes.

On DL's side, probably the most blessed, and hence, the least driven because there is no inferiority complex to challenge him? Or so it seems, because if there is no active or passive, there is a hidden. But what drives him mad is that he himself has no clue as to what it is.

On NG's side, he's blessed too, smart guy, don't need to study too hard, perhaps? Or a facade? From my account, there is but one active, one passive, and one hidden. The active is the... size. Most common, physique, not that big a deal actually. The passive, could be amplified by the trauma of being bullied and ganked, leading to the outbursts of "road rage". The hidden... well, I won't log it today.

On CM's side, I see alot of similarities to myself. Study wise, physique wise, the desire to prove himself. He is probably the most driven because he is only just beginning to realize what he is capable of, and wants to explore that.

Not sure? We were just speculating. Of course the only ones who would have a clear account of their history and any inferiority complexes would be they themselves. Its something to think about, is it not?

On my side, the drive is waning. I think I challenged them early on... in studies, in music, in confidence among huge crowds, in public speaking, in socio-manipulation and psycho-manipulation, in climbing up social ladders and hierarchy, in sports, fighting, physique, has made me forget somewhat about the spirit of the "fight".

Or perhaps it was because I let that drive fuel me so much and deeply into that thing in the past, that I trapped myself, got myself into deeper shit than I thought possible, and wanted to run away.

It wasn't just the fighting and being afraid of what I would do to the people around me and how I would deal with the consequences of my actions. It was the disgust of the people around me, which CM is experiencing at the moment. When you can read people, really read people, then everything changes.


We are lucky to be unblessed. Because by being challenged by our inferiority complexes, we derive the drive to dream for more for ourselves. But the drive must be channeled wisely.

There are times when I think back about that incident with the 3 of them. Or that 1 guy. What would a normal person have done? Would he have apologized or ran?

I remember... I was trying to think of what to do, but I knew I had to do it before they did anything. And then my blood was rushing so fast it felt like it was on fire as I did what came instinctively. Its happened countless times before in the past. After the bow, you can wait for him to make the first attack so that you can counter, but you can't play the counter game forever. You need to make the attack as fast as possible so that he can't see it coming. So that he won't be able to react.

It will hurt.

I don't want to hurt.

I need to stop him first.

Make him hurt instead.


I may die.

I don't want to die.

I need to stop him first.

Let him die instead.


Running away or apologizing was never an available option.

I wish not to relive anymore of this part of my past. Its dark and I don't like it. As silly as it sounds I just want to keep moving towards the light right now.

The reason why I want to learn muay thai is to reconfigure my reflexes and to learn how to attack in a non-lethal and safer manner.



Let me just record down CM's ever-comical depictions of people.

NG is like some demon constantly on the prowl, ever trying to influence and darken DL.

DL is like got the light from heaven shine down on him, slowly glowing and making the dark patches from the demon NG peel away, but NG keeps pulling him.

RK is like the father in the church, always very calm and wise then suddenly leap out and slash and kill people.

wth?



The reason I blog is to way-point my journey through emotional quotient enlightenment. Self psycho-analysis is an important part of growing. I suppose I don't mind a couple of close friends coming along for the ride and learning as well because...


I'm learning from them as well.


The noble part of me says its only right to give back if you take.

There have been alot of daring fags... but this is the first time one tried to pick me up on the short route from gym to home.

Kudos to him for catching up to me at my warp 4 "strut" speed though :p


Bike was damn fun today.

Think I went past 50kmph today... tot they would limit those bikes wth? Could keep up with the express group which consisted of ppl with bike experience? Not sure if throttle clutching louis' bike for 50cm counts as bike experience for me though... My sucky bike had a slanted crash frame and weird clutch.

BUT THE STUPID INSTUCTOR ONLY GAVE ME AND NN 2 STAMPS! Damn sad. Lesson one only 50% completed. Which is like a fail? I've never frickin failed a test since how long? Since I can't remember la wtf. I can't believe he smiled when he said we're still on lesson one next time... so creepy!


The new diet sucks. I used to get hungry often, but now I get very hungry oftener :(

Had a funny dream. Hands covered in blood. But there wasn't any fighting.

Not sure if I was supposed to be scared or what, I was just staring and wondering why it was like that.

Reminds me of that time... all my knuckles looked shredded, there was blood dripping everywhere, and that wasn't a dream.

A sign? I dunno.

When I first started sparring last time, I prayed that I wouldn't become like either of the brothers.

One having died while sparring.

The other having to live with the fact that he killed his own brother in a spar.

Which was worse?

But as time goes by, you don't forget the inherent dangers, you just ignore them. Or it will prevent you from performing.

Which would probably be the worse thing to do on a bike.

Yeah, stay safe la.


Anyway, I montaged the ultimate wallpaper in photoshop today.


Cool shit. Too bad I can only upload the low res version here.

Was still freaking stoned at the dojo.

Hitting a punching bag around is damn boring shit.

I need to hit something in direct contact to another person at least la. Pad work is more fun.

Was quite disappointed during the easy sparring, the guys really got no confidence against another person. All still too green except one. The look in his eyes said it all.

Nothing angry or fierce, just an assuring and playful look that said "come on, lets brawl."

Ironically the most promising of this batch isn't singaporean. Typical Singaporean students got no fighting spirit! But no matter, I'll help the rest wake up...

I almost fell asleep during break... Think I really need to hit the sack or else tml fall off motorbike.

Some gym attendants are such discourteous snobbish little faggots, I'm afraid to make contact with them too often less something happen to them.

Some thing's wrong. I've been feeling extremely easily agitated and impatient recently, and have been shifting in and out of that mood.

Hope its not because I've missed practice for so long, because if it is, then the addiction may be worse than I thought.

Its a little fun, because usually I'm in total control of my emotions.

But if I'm flying blind I may run into hazardous clouds again.