Much to catch up on.

BMT is over.

Sad tho, I couldn't really feel happy on the day of the passing out parade. Don't know what was bothering me, really. Maybe everything.

I felt myself go back to that dark place. Full of disgust, and hate. Was fighting so hard to pull myself together. Told myself that I was no longer that person. But in the end, I got tired of fighting.

Ended up giving my bunk mates quite a scare.

I'm afraid. That if I do end up in that unit... that in the solitude, I will lose whom I have become, and once again fall into the darkness, alone, looking out at them... those insignificant weaklings.

Infiltration and reconnaisance... I suppose there is much honor in that, afterall, battalion after battalion will be depending on your succesful surveilance.

I'm losing it... not even sure if rowing boat is what I should be doing.

Today, the company went for a field trip.

The things we saw... I'll remember for the rest of my life.

They tell you "national service is essential to defend our nation."

But its not enough... until you actually see what war does to people.

There is no humanity, the enemy is a monster.

Perhaps now I know what PS Nick meant that day.



When you see your mother being raped, your father, brother, being killed; not just shot. Their heads cut off and displayed for all to see. Tortured and killed in the most sadistic and creative ways.

There was a story on the wall, recorded by a nurse.

A mother pleaded desperately to a japanese soldier for medicine for her two sick children. Crying out loud, she begged him. But all he did was swing the butt of his rifle to her jaw. Her open jaw, and knocked her teeth out.

Her children soon died of malaria.

What if that had been my mother? Or my wife, pleading for medicine for my kids?

I prayed, to Him. "Lord, let there never be war."

But if the it should happen...

I don't fight for my country. I would rather fly away to another country.

But I will fight for my family.

And if I should become my past shadow again, then let it be. Because he's the best man for the job.

Even if he's a hateful man, he's ridiculously intelligent, sly, efficient, meticulous and will get the job done, and he still has his morals and ethics.

When you see your mother or wife being raped, your father or son, executed, tortured. Will you sit there and cry? Or will you take up your gun and defend them?

In a Godless world, its difficult to see God sometimes. Pray for your enemies? Pray for your family? What good will that do?