Its funny how you can put some things on hold for so long and not have to deal with them.

As I pass through one of the final gates to unlock that which I sealed so long ago, I remembered one thing that I never really dealt with.

We just wanted to be stronger, faster, quicker, better. Researching further and finding out more about the art than we should have. Training methods and ideologies that were banned for a more "civilized" world. And with good reason, too. In the wrong hands, these skills would be disastrous.

We never really came to terms with how deep we were getting ourselves into until that match with the brothers.

I think I always felt feelings or emotions more than most people. It may sound stupid but I'm a very sensitive and volatile guy by nature. Probably the most emotionally volatile person I know. It helps with the music. A very strong firm grasp on every emotion is required for proper expression and articulation of a movement.

This also means, however that when I get frustrated, it really is shit. Eyes go red, taste of salt, breathing stays at the most exhaled state and my heart pumps like mad. And when I'm sad, it feels like something has stabbed into the deepest most part of my soul.

J's death came so suddenly, it seemed like a joke. We all knew one way or another that such a thing was possible, but never thought that it would ever happen. We were just innocent naive youth, I suppose.

The guys cried, and his brother never came to practice again. But we couldn't stop. Maybe each of us thought that this would in a way be a test for us to see who was strong enough to continue despite what had happened. We would talk about good times with them, but never about that match, never about what happened.

It never was a conscious effort, but that day was the day I felt the most extreme amount of sadness imaginable, followed suddenly by nothingness. And from that day, I have never been able to feel sad.

We knew how dangerous the Long2 Yan3 could be, it was proven. But we continued training anyway. And as time passed it became more obvious how differently each of us had dealt with the incident.

When Si used it on me and I was lying there on the ground, the last expression I saw him give was the exact same one he had on when the incident with the brothers occured. I remember seeing that face as the place started to shift diagonally, head got cold, and everything was slowly fading to darkness as I tried to tell him that it was okay, but had to stop when talking made me feel like throwing up.

It took forever for him to fight seriously with me in a match again after that. It was the same spot that dealt the fatal blow to one of the brothers, and had I not been exerting so intensely I would have suffered the same fate as well. I had to be the proactive one in the fights for a long time.

My incident happened another day at practice. I had used it to land my signature kick on my opponent's head, and it knocked him out even with the head protection on.

As they were fanning him and trying to get him to stay conscious I still stood in the ring and watched. I couldn't feel any remorse despite of it. Maybe because I knew what it felt like to be on the other side. I knew what I was getting myself into and when everything was fading out I held to grudge to Si.

But it was on that day at Takashimaya, when she grabbed my arm and I spun around to attack only to snap to my senses inches away from the impact point due to her deafening scream.

It was that day when I thought that I had finally gone too far. I was a hazard, and I had almost killed my friend without even knowing it.

That day I sealed it. And ended my days as a fighter.


Now Si has learned an art that focuses so intensely on control, whereas I have learned another that allows exertion without lethal consequences.

But in the end, we're both still fighters. Its in our blood.

I must trust that I will be able to stop myself in time. That, perhaps was one part of the training that we had failed to accomplish at that time. It shouldn't be a problem, anyway. I have learned to control my emotions alot more since than.

And I'm still learning to change that paradigm of control from running away, to accepting and acknowledging it.

Only then will I be able to progress further than I already have. Because as I have found out; running away solves the problem at first, but it will never let you move on or reach new heights.

Life throws some tough shit at us sometimes, but if we give in and conform just to be safe, we've failed the challenge.

I will never be that weak person.

Is almost completely back now.