Its been slightly more than two years ago since I joined the nat d b team. I can remember the excitement of being invited into the strongest team in the scene at the time, yet the sadness of having to leave the school team to do so.
Yet so much has passed, and I faced yet again with the sad reality that its a team sport, and as much as I had faith in some people whom I think could do well in the team, they have dissapointed me again and again. Ever since school I've dealt with this bullshit. I wanted to fight alongside them so badly, because I acknowledged what they were capable of, but they never gave themselves the chance.
Some things can't be helped. We all have different callings in life. And now, even though the future looks so bright for n team and he keeps bugging me to go back, I cannot find the heart to.
Maybe I don't want to be disappointed yet again, maybe I'm just sick and tired of being screwed over by people and their 999 reasons.
But I'm letting him down, just as they let me down. And that pisses me off.
I don't want to be responsible to kill someone else's passion as I let other people do to mine.
Maybe I just need a break for awhile. I recovered the last time this happened, after all. And too much energy has been spent last year.
Its easy to play safe. It may hurt like hell if you displace your trust at times, but sometimes, you find that team mate who would go to through hell with you to achieve a common dream. Then, the risk was worthwhile. And you know that you've found a friend. Not just someone who would make use of you or you can make use of. But someone who you needed to draw strength from when things are going to shit, and whom you know can depend on you for the same thing.
I've been to the top of that mountain by myself before, and it really isn't that great if there isn't anyone to marvel in the beauty of the scenery with.
These are the people you need to step out of this twisted cynical world every now and then to remain sane and use to ground yourself again.
I will not be like the asshole that I resent. I'm above that. I just need time right now, I guess.
Monday, January 08, 2007
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