The past 3 weekdays have been spent waking up early to head down to work and gatecrash at ntu.

At first I was worried that it would be boring doing the same thing as in poly. But looking at the average standard there... I think it would be fun to go there and utterly own to cohort.

Its the second semester already and a vast majority of them still can't break down images into shapes, tones and contours. I feel kinda bad for them. Its a degree program and the average standard is that of average high school art.

But nonetheless, I admire these youth for pursuing their interest in art and design in the program. They are taking their first step to realizing their true path in life. Though... you gotta wonder if they put proper thought into the decision and not just pick the course just to go off-tangent for the sake of it.

The professors are ridiculously encouraging. Art is a very sensitive string tied around one's self confidence, after all. Which is why I could never put any weight on any compliment given to me on my work in school.


Was talking to someone after class, he's the boss of his own franchise business. He said some stuff that sounded very familiar. About how today's youth have no dreams. That its usually the people whom you don't know and who don't know you - those who spend more time alone who are the dreamers. And that if you put your heart to it. No matter what, you will achieve it.

Powerful words. Things I already knew, but hearing someone else say them made me feel empowered again.

So right now its either NTU to own me some art noobs, or SMU which would be solely to play ccas. lol. If it interferes too much with my music work then I may just drop it altogether. Who knows.

Gymed with Nitek in the afternoon. My lame ass elbow doesn't seem to be getting better.

Went to meet SC who brought me to eat chicken rice at some place near city hall after that. And it was damn good. That bastard... make me eat so much rice. Was so damn full of rice chili and ginger after that. Think we can form some chicken rice fan club or something. Think we stacked about 11 bowls wtf.

Its so stupid how a bloody 3 minute song can take 3+ hours to record.

Was alternating takes between the peaceful "shenmue themes" and "ff7 battle theme" over and over. Mistake, lack of expression, key pressed too hard or too soft... retake retake retake.

Until I got so damn dulan you'd think dulanness would help with an aggressive song like ff7 battle theme, but it doesn't. More mistakes instead. Ironically I need to calm myself down to portray the excitement of the song, or else my own excitement will prohibit me from feeling it.

And then when I finally get a PERFECT take of shenmue themes, I go check the camera and omfg it ran out of battery halfway. Bloody gay camera. I should grind it into fragments, feed it to a donkey and let it turn into donkey diahhrea.

So at long last after that I get a decent recording of the fight theme and then have to fight the quality/filesize codec wars for another few hours because I forgot my best settings from last time.

Then after uploading to youtube, the godamn godamn godamn sound and video doesn't sync.

So tweak, re-render and re-upload. And now youtube is taking its sweet ass own time to process it.

Internet is fun but sometimes it is the dumb.

I suppose it wouldn't be possible to fade away so soon in the team after all. Not that that's much of a problem anyway. In the end, his first attempt was a failure, and he acknowledges that, which is speeding up the whole process tremendously. It took us having to row the k2 together to come to that understanding.

Its funny how you can learn so much about a person by partnering him in a k2 for a 1 hour set.

How his heart is always unsettled, which is why he can never find his perfect balance in the boat. As long as the waters inside of you are moving, you will never be able to see the centre clearly, and it will reflect in the balance of the boat and concentration. The only reason why he can make it so far is because he is fueled by an abnormally large amount of spirit. In essence, his affinity toward chaos against order would be a handicap, but it has swayed so much that it has also become a strength in some ways.

Its weird because in this aspect, we are total opposites at the moment. Which is why in some aspects, we can build off each other's strengths. Common yet uncommon.

In scientific terms, when a pitch of 400hz and 600hz are played at the same time, the sensory system will more often than not identify the tone as 200hz, the missing fundamental. By harmonizing these tones, a new one can be produced virtually.




More new guys joining the team. They just keep coming, which is good. This week there's some diver, a commando bmt instructor, and some lucky ass ex vjc kia. Yeah, another one. And he knows Bowei too, and he's quite tall for some reason too.

I suppose I need this team too. If not, I'll turn into an antisocial genius... headed down the same sad path as last time.

Next week's water program is going to be fun.

Tonite's run down the usual route: 12:27mins

Still shitty as hell. But I have an excuse for tonite. It just rained and the ground was frickin slippery so I had to take careful steps while compromising on the speed to prevent skidding.

Listening to darkstar one soundtrack while running = sugoi

Decided to level up my drug intake for just awhile to see if it really works. Haha. As much research and studies I have looked into, I'll never know till I try, eh?




Problems with the junior exco.... think I may have to play asshole tomorrow. Cause it seems the only way to wake him up, as much as I would hate to. Should have known I'd have to from the start already, since he's so much like jw and it took the asshole method to get his act together. Sigh. Sometimes mentoring can be such a pain in the ass. But I gotta do it.

Doesn't matter how well you lead a team if you leave and they fall to shit. Then you'll only have boosted your precious ego and not have taught them squat.

Was it a bad move? It was the most optimal at that point in time. Its never easy looking for potential leaders or trying to mentor them. Den was one in a million. A part of me wishes that he would just hurry and join saf sa right now. But I know he's still adamant on keeping that promise to me to look after my team for me.

He's so silly that way, but that also makes him the most dependable and worthy. He's probably the only one who could grasp that concept so easily.

Would butcher have been a better choice for one of the slots? With dog, no better. With wz, better off in some ways, worse off in some ways. Quite a tie actually.

But there's one critical point that he failed to meet when I was testing each of them. That day during pullups I challenged him to make me accountable for my form and performance with the hope that he would in turn be accountable for his own. Which is one of the most important perspectives to keep in mind. But he missed it. IQ wise there, EQ wise, still some way to go. I gave him the chance to challenge my vulnerability in hopes that he will realize his own. But when I sealed mine, he didn't seal his. You can't lead core training sets if you're dying throughout russian twists, leg raises, etc etc, after all.

At least dog could grasp this. Which is why he seemed more ready. But everyone with some form of ambition always thinks that they can do it until they actually go and try. Some things you can never learn by watching nor speculation.

XS was right. Its never healthy when all the seniors just suddenly disappear. The younger ones will see too much room for them to spread their wings.

Maybe I'm expecting too much from them. No one succeeds on their first try, anyway. No one.

Didn't know it was so cheap to send out cds via courier. Makes you wonder how the poor courier man makes money.

The weight of money seems to be a very ambiguous thing nowadays. When you compare weeks working like hell to make close to nothing, to an hour for 500 bucks, or a few hours for 1000 bucks. You really don't know how much its worth anymore. It used to be easier with a constant flow.

Gymed with a fatass Nitek kia in the afternoon. Could sense alot of negative energy inside of him. I had a dreadful feeling when I put that singlet on before cycling down... and true enough, of all days he had to wear the same one too. Of course he was jealous that I looked better in it and have nicer specs than him. Yeah ha! But being the compassionate and thoughtful person that I am, I shall not rub it in!

Trained again with Wen howe in the evening whom I shall now call "golden ranger" because all his gym attire seems to be golden hue based color schemes. Which is okay because I'm the awesome red ranger! Nitek can be the gay green ranger, Dog can be the nerdy useless blue ranger and Moose can be the black ranger who is there only to fill up screen time.

Its nice exploring the vast recesses of the j8 basement snack food paradise with him. Sorta makes me miss my bishan kha kis. He has audaciously come up with a new compound to add to protein powder. That is... coke. It seems it tastes like "ice cream float" or somewhat. Having no sweet tooth whatsoever, I shall forever not know how awesome that is supposed to taste but merely understand it to taste "sweet".

Tonite's run: 12:05mins for the usual route.

Still shitty ass timing, but at least its getting better.

I am now damn sleepy yet sweaty and cannot sleep.

I forgot just how much conditioning is required to execute the higher level moves. Just trying to learn a new one today has left my back and left wrist aching after only the 3rd attempt. Then again they were both old injuries to begin with.

Nitek kia also trying to deal with some spar related injury during gym. I can only imagine how much longer it will take fore him to recover because he doesn't know how to heat rub and has a hell lot of negative energy circulating in his body.

Was quite disappointed that they would try something like that on me again. I'm generally a peaceful guy, but when you poke me, you'll find that I'll poke back. And trying to use the system against me was the worst mistake they could have made. Regardless of how much experience they have, the gamers will always understand less than the programmers.

None of them are at my level, sadly. If I have to be a bastard to show some people that they can't just walk over anyone they please, then so be it. I was the worse person I'd want to deal with in this area in the past, and if need be, I will be that person for a little while again.


Lacking motivation to run. Time to say something inspiring to motivate myself.

I must run tonight or I will cut off my leg.

Yeah!

Its funny how you can put some things on hold for so long and not have to deal with them.

As I pass through one of the final gates to unlock that which I sealed so long ago, I remembered one thing that I never really dealt with.

We just wanted to be stronger, faster, quicker, better. Researching further and finding out more about the art than we should have. Training methods and ideologies that were banned for a more "civilized" world. And with good reason, too. In the wrong hands, these skills would be disastrous.

We never really came to terms with how deep we were getting ourselves into until that match with the brothers.

I think I always felt feelings or emotions more than most people. It may sound stupid but I'm a very sensitive and volatile guy by nature. Probably the most emotionally volatile person I know. It helps with the music. A very strong firm grasp on every emotion is required for proper expression and articulation of a movement.

This also means, however that when I get frustrated, it really is shit. Eyes go red, taste of salt, breathing stays at the most exhaled state and my heart pumps like mad. And when I'm sad, it feels like something has stabbed into the deepest most part of my soul.

J's death came so suddenly, it seemed like a joke. We all knew one way or another that such a thing was possible, but never thought that it would ever happen. We were just innocent naive youth, I suppose.

The guys cried, and his brother never came to practice again. But we couldn't stop. Maybe each of us thought that this would in a way be a test for us to see who was strong enough to continue despite what had happened. We would talk about good times with them, but never about that match, never about what happened.

It never was a conscious effort, but that day was the day I felt the most extreme amount of sadness imaginable, followed suddenly by nothingness. And from that day, I have never been able to feel sad.

We knew how dangerous the Long2 Yan3 could be, it was proven. But we continued training anyway. And as time passed it became more obvious how differently each of us had dealt with the incident.

When Si used it on me and I was lying there on the ground, the last expression I saw him give was the exact same one he had on when the incident with the brothers occured. I remember seeing that face as the place started to shift diagonally, head got cold, and everything was slowly fading to darkness as I tried to tell him that it was okay, but had to stop when talking made me feel like throwing up.

It took forever for him to fight seriously with me in a match again after that. It was the same spot that dealt the fatal blow to one of the brothers, and had I not been exerting so intensely I would have suffered the same fate as well. I had to be the proactive one in the fights for a long time.

My incident happened another day at practice. I had used it to land my signature kick on my opponent's head, and it knocked him out even with the head protection on.

As they were fanning him and trying to get him to stay conscious I still stood in the ring and watched. I couldn't feel any remorse despite of it. Maybe because I knew what it felt like to be on the other side. I knew what I was getting myself into and when everything was fading out I held to grudge to Si.

But it was on that day at Takashimaya, when she grabbed my arm and I spun around to attack only to snap to my senses inches away from the impact point due to her deafening scream.

It was that day when I thought that I had finally gone too far. I was a hazard, and I had almost killed my friend without even knowing it.

That day I sealed it. And ended my days as a fighter.


Now Si has learned an art that focuses so intensely on control, whereas I have learned another that allows exertion without lethal consequences.

But in the end, we're both still fighters. Its in our blood.

I must trust that I will be able to stop myself in time. That, perhaps was one part of the training that we had failed to accomplish at that time. It shouldn't be a problem, anyway. I have learned to control my emotions alot more since than.

And I'm still learning to change that paradigm of control from running away, to accepting and acknowledging it.

Only then will I be able to progress further than I already have. Because as I have found out; running away solves the problem at first, but it will never let you move on or reach new heights.

Life throws some tough shit at us sometimes, but if we give in and conform just to be safe, we've failed the challenge.

I will never be that weak person.

Is almost completely back now.

Secret Character: A special character or figure which only reveals himself when special conditions have been met or at a special event.

S1 Branch comes up with the weirdest nicknames for me. First it was "Godzilla!" now its "Secret Character" haha.

I'll miss them in a way.

I won't miss the facades and charades played by captains, majors and colonels in meetings.

Our army's most used weapon is the smoke grenade.



Gymed with an ab-fading Nitek Kia in the aft. I swear one day I'm so going to make him eat floor again. Roar.

Second session in the evening with Wen Howe and Moose who pang seh in the end. Poor Wen Howe tried to follow me for the new pullup routine. Hope I didn't scare him hahaha. But he'll grow stronger by leaps and bounds la.


I've got a buttload of classified files but no one to sell them to. Boohoo.

Tonight's run: 12:32 mins

O M F G!!!!!!!!

Level up.

When I compose, sometimes I hear the music in my head before I record it on the computer. At first it was just melodies, then melodies and counter melodies. Lately its been very rougly; melodies, counter melodies, harmonies with basic percussive crescendos.

Today I heard in such detail, the shine of the picollo section for the high notes, until the boom of the bass trombone, and everything inbetween; french horn, strings, trombone, flute, trumpet, timpani, tom tom, cymbals, tubular bells, strings, choir, cello, bass and organ. Frickin scary. To come up with something in such detail... it was rushing in so fast until my heart was racing. I love my job.





I had a flashback today for some reason. Of the first time I couldn't control it. It was during the period when I first discovered my aura.

There was blood on the target. And when I looked at my hands, all the knuckles were torn up. Red everywhere, and blood was dripping from my fists. And it didn't hurt, probably because everything was numb by then. Instead I felt an extreme high.

I look back and think of how silly I was to let myself give into desperation, fear and anger. But I have to admit that that was when I was my strongest. Years after I have locked so many things away out of fear, I wonder if I can really still compete on the same level as Si if he's been improving constantly all this while.

Oh well, I was one to try like hell to catch up anyway.

Training today. Its nice to see wz putting so much thought into the program. Uncle sapsa giving long sermons as usual... I just had to let him know. Hope he takes it the right way. We went without lifejacks again since uncle agreed to 'dah' so the guys were happy.

Its more and more apparant to me that the last system that I set up has one critical flaw. One that wasn't there in my previous system. I suppose ultimately the system I set up in school was better. Even though I possess much more knowledge and experience in the sport now, I forgot what truly matters in a godamn team sport. Its my fault for not being able to let go of my previous team. And because of that, some of the old guys will never really know what its like to be part of a real team. Not just a group of people that you train with.

It doesn't matter if the theory and research can trash every loser team in singapore or if we have the strongest test results if the team itself lacks this aspect.

I suppose I could blame them all I want. But the fact of the matter is that I miscalculated. Its so much easier to spot some things when you're on the base of the mountain than when you're near the top.

Oh well. Some things, you just gotta learn by trial and error. Any new statedef can seem to work in theory until you actually execute the damn state and discover the bugs. Those who never try will never be able to realize some things, even if they're watching.

❤ Deirdre™ says:
hmmm tues dinner
Reu: says
aight


Seems like forever since we last saw each other.

The match with Si last week left me thinking. Whether I should continue with muay thai or skip to wing chun. After testing versus both styles, I have to admit, the basic principles for wing chun are much more practical and devastating, though much harder to master.

I got to hand it to Si for mastering the offensive parry technique. Even though I tried to do split-tandem attacks to nullify his parries, his reactions were just sharper. Which made me remember... the bastard still has his long2 yan3. Whereas I had sealed mine after that incident years back to prevent myself from critically injuring anyone accidentally.

But I have decided not to run away anymore. And I think that this time, I am more capable of controlling myself.

Yesterday I met up with An to unlock my long2 yan3. The first step was completed, and after one week I should have it back if I complete the training.

Its just for reactions... I will not revise the other attacks.

Maybe I need to look for better instructors in Muay Thai before moving on to the next stage completely. Though I have a feeling that I'll just be disappointed again.



Was talking to him abit in the gym today. Wonder when he will finally expect more of himself and realize what he is capable of so that he can finally move on to the next stage. And no, I could not tell him exactly because it is a path that we all have to discover for ourselves.

I just hope that his journey to find his own balance will not be as disastrous as mine was. Though I've never come across anyone else who would blow things out of proportion like me. hahaha.

I think that if I would watch a replay of my life, I wouldn't feel sorry for anyone else, because mine would be the saddest story of them all.

Was looking at where I'll be staying for 3 weeks come mid march.


"The 511-room Sheraton Sanya, opened just 10 months ago, is one of the poster boys of the new Sanya. The most expensive accommodation in the hotel is the presidential suite, containing two jacuzzis, numerous large screen TVs, two offices and a price tag of over RMB 300,000 per night.

Boasting its own private Wi-Fi-ed (wireless Internet access) beach stretching over 8km along Yalong Bay, the Sheraton Sanya is a far cry from the supposedly five-star state-owned hotels of a decade ago. "This is what white collar and golden collar urban Chinese are demanding now," says Meady Tang a marketing consultant in Shanghai. "A few years ago when these people first had money to spend, they booked tours with local operators and didn't have a very good time. Now they are willing to pay more for a resort experience of international standards.""


Can't remember when the last time I stayed at a 5 star resort overseas was. I should be excited, getting an all-expense paid trip overseas to a 5 star resort with sports, activities, food, blah blah.

I'll probably just play ps2 in the room XD. I need internet access somehow though.

I was kinda happy that I didn't have to go when TY won. But now that he's forfeiting, it seems a little fun. The experience of a lifetime, as Alex said.

Will have to do some planning to use this to get my music exposed to the world.

Last guy that went from SG was Julian who made it to the semis. Didn't know he had that condition.

Had a long talk with the President. To my surprise, he's not like what I thought he was like at all. How he decided to chase his dream overseas to get a degree, but ended up not being what he had in mind; sounds exactly like what I found out. That its takes trial and error to remember what your real dream is. What your real passion is.

Young people nowadays have no dream. No desire. Maybe its not their fault. Victims of the education system and society. Circumstance and situation molds a person. But it is the most resilient one that can remember who he is.

Work in the morning, fight fire in camp via sms, shopping spree, gym with the moose, then watched pandora's lab with moose, chris and his bro at vivo. Frickin tiring day la.

Just got back from a run to prata house and back. It was nice having someone to run that route with again.

Talked a hell lot with him. Funny stuff happens sometimes with dog and moose and they say if Nitek was here, he would this vulgar thing, or that satanic thing haha. Kinda like talking and missing him as if he's dead. But when one of us disappears suddenly, its about the equivalent of it.

Was talking to moose about indiv sports and team sports. Perhaps its my fault for not bonding the team closer. It hurt too much when I left the school team, and I just couldn't bring myself to commit to this team, and couldn't unite the team as well as the last.

I'm a hypocrite. I feel sorry for someone because he's trying to cut himself away from the hurt when I myself am doing it despite telling myself time and time again that running away is never the solution.

Before each fight, the fear was mine to bear. When I was on top, I was alone. With the team, I had brothers to bear the fear with, and brothers to share the joy with.

Just got a call at 12 midnight from Nick. The project team in the background...

Typical design company working overtime to meet deadlines. Something I'm all too familiar with.

Come to think of it... even my last project team of cpt B, maj pat, cpt k worked all the way until 4am.

I'm somehow too shack to type anything intelligent at the moment.

Gym today, kinda sucked. Think I overtrained from yesterday. But thats good, because I thought for awhile I wasn't capable of overtraining ya ha! If I overtrained I can't imagine what wenhowe must be feeling right now. Hahaha :x

Training with the team, then 7 of us went to eat KOREAN STEAMBOAT near the mrt station.

What a find man.

Only 12.80 per person. All you can eat. The ginseng soup rocks so hard, and the spicy soup was preposterously spicy though underneath is was a nice beef broth. And all the beef, lamb, and beef balls.... omg.... omg omg.

Found one siao-on junior. WH has a way of putting into words what most people just feel but cannot fully comprehend. Despite me asking again whether he learnt that thing in ocs, he still says he learnt it observing his extremely different cap and vice cap in jc. Which would make sense too. Its possible Ibk learnt it from an instructor, who taught his cadets stuff which he felt was crucial to their skills as a leader, though it was not exactly written in the curriculum yet. I remember safti's more recent research branching out into eq and the development of that in their leaders, perhaps that instructor was on the forefront of that.

Nevertheless, there are not just 2 types of leaders. There are many more. For someone who is just coming to realization, he will only be able to notice 2 types.

Well at least, they're learning.

Uncovered a conspiracy today at riding practice.

Part 1: Plank. Kept rolling off up to the 3rd try. S course was easy shit though. If I were to fail it would be here due to the plank and me wobbling a little on it.

Result: PASS

Part 2: E-brake. wtf just brake. Easy shit.

Result: FAIL

I kenah cheated la!



Was doing secret training in gym after that. Panting like mad after the first series. Second series got interrupted by a group of sji boys.

(Soft voice in the distance): You ask la!
(Soft voice in the distance 2): You ask!
*tap on back*
Me: huh?
(Boy who looks like mini stephen): Errr how you train ah?

wth?

So they got a crash course on gym and recovery. But I felt bad for them... doing gym so young. Halting their growth when they could very well be growing up till 18. But I couldn't bear to tell them, because they looked so passionate about training. Not like it would help since they started quite some time ago anyway, so my conscience is clear.

They had so many questions, yet I've seen them around the gym for so long, I wonder how the heck they have been training in the first place.

Makes me remember the days back in high school. For most guys, if you were bigger, you rock. For me, as long as I move faster and snap with more power, I kill you, then I rock, because you would be incapable of rocking.

I was the shortest in the group that I reluctantly hung out with. So yeah, I know what its like to be short. And it pissed me off. Until that week where the fever wouldn't go away and I shot up like a long bean. Talk about desire to grow.

So these boys are sacrificing the remainder of their vertical growing potential just to get bigger. Kinda like selling your soul to the devil. To them, the trade-off is probably fair. Anyway its not like singaporean guys are very tall anyway! Ya ha!

But ironically, its the person who doesn't follow the logical thing to do and just does what his heart tells him that works the hardest in sports. You have to be able to ignore logic anyway, when your whole body is telling you "pain", "stop", and you keep going.

Hiruma said that in sports, you need a hot heart, but a cool head. But usually you have people in either extreme. The balance between ying and yang is always difficult shit to achieve.

Probably in everything in life, a balance is the most difficult thing to achieve. Balance of time, balance of commitment; time and emotional, balance of stress, balance of relaxation.

Ahhh but the real brain-wrecker is that once this balance is achieved in this dimension, you swing drastically toward "order" in the next dimension and screw up your balance between "order" and "chaos" completely.

Isn't that ridiculous?

I've come to the conclusion that it is not possible to achieve that perfect balance. But the struggle to achieve it is what drives the wisest of people.

And that can only come by understanding more about yourself and others around you.

So I met up with Si again the other day for a match.

I told myself last year that I would beat this bastard. Yet the operation had made me slacken in training. That asshole went passive stanced counter mode for the entire match. And I couldn't do break him out of it.

If I had a training partner to do reaction drills with, I would so own his ass though.

He asked me: "What are you protecting?"

I couldn't answer him. Weird. Maybe a long time ago, I was fighting to prove something to myself. Something that I no longer need to do because I already know who I am in life. Maybe at long last, I have made peace with that part of me which scared the shit out of me. The only thing that keeps me going right now is the high of the fight. But that is one feeling that must be kept under control at all times.

It seems to be forever since I had last felt that side of me. And luckily, no more street fights have been occurring, if you can call that a fair fight in the first place. Untrained people really have no idea about how to move. Oh well.



Ah yes, the stupid zouk card arrived at last. Its nice not having to pay a thing to get into velvet underground. Even the stamp is special. Its kinda stupid that I'm a member when I don't really club often. But there's big potential in the genre of music in this scene and it will be good to get more immersed in it. Plus this kinda music is easy shit to do.

Was good to be with the moose and Jem from canoeing in school from last time. Was nice to catch up with him after these few years. Saw alot of familiar faces too. Nic, Uncle, and Kenny whom I have no idea why he was with nitek kia. Ahahha the most weird spotting was captain lionel and all the instructors from his coy. Wtf commandos in the house la. He's suck a cool OC.


The type of girl that learns to ride bikes is truly something to be respected. The lone charboh today was turning and leaning lower than the rest of the humji ass guys. Singaporean guys really have no balls, or rather, some girls have bigger balls hahah.


Finally back on chemical C today. It seems I still have the compounds for the old combination again. Though I forgot how much of which to add. Had to refer to the old notes. New cycle, higher cycle.

Its been slightly more than two years ago since I joined the nat d b team. I can remember the excitement of being invited into the strongest team in the scene at the time, yet the sadness of having to leave the school team to do so.

Yet so much has passed, and I faced yet again with the sad reality that its a team sport, and as much as I had faith in some people whom I think could do well in the team, they have dissapointed me again and again. Ever since school I've dealt with this bullshit. I wanted to fight alongside them so badly, because I acknowledged what they were capable of, but they never gave themselves the chance.

Some things can't be helped. We all have different callings in life. And now, even though the future looks so bright for n team and he keeps bugging me to go back, I cannot find the heart to.

Maybe I don't want to be disappointed yet again, maybe I'm just sick and tired of being screwed over by people and their 999 reasons.

But I'm letting him down, just as they let me down. And that pisses me off.

I don't want to be responsible to kill someone else's passion as I let other people do to mine.

Maybe I just need a break for awhile. I recovered the last time this happened, after all. And too much energy has been spent last year.

Its easy to play safe. It may hurt like hell if you displace your trust at times, but sometimes, you find that team mate who would go to through hell with you to achieve a common dream. Then, the risk was worthwhile. And you know that you've found a friend. Not just someone who would make use of you or you can make use of. But someone who you needed to draw strength from when things are going to shit, and whom you know can depend on you for the same thing.

I've been to the top of that mountain by myself before, and it really isn't that great if there isn't anyone to marvel in the beauty of the scenery with.

These are the people you need to step out of this twisted cynical world every now and then to remain sane and use to ground yourself again.

I will not be like the asshole that I resent. I'm above that. I just need time right now, I guess.

Sometimes you run away - to find yourself.

At times, circumstance seems to want to force you to run away, at times it seems as though running away would be such a challenge. At times, it may seem scary, illogical to move out of your comfort zone.

But that's the way things go. Everything around you may seem normal - according to everyone else around you. But something in your gut just tells you that this isn't for you.

Many people lose the ability to hear that gut feeling. Because they have shut it off so many times, it becomes an automatic process. Some people hear it faintly, but overdo it because they lack the proper level of sensitivity.

Its only logical in where we live in. We are taught to follow and abide by rules. We are taught to accept that A is better than B, more is better than enough, until life becomes a process of thoughtless yet logical sequence of repeated patterns.

Sometimes you do well in society's patterns and you get praised, you get the recognition you thought you'd get. But when you really think about it, the happiness is on the surface.

We are all born differently. Some are more obedient, some are more resilient. Some are born one way and die one way, some are born to change drastically. Some base life on those around them, some have stronger instincts. Some need to be meticulous, some seem to live to rebel.

I look at what I was in the past and what I am now, and wonder, which one is the real me?

Perfect and meticulous, noisy and angry, or the one who is always in control.

For harmony to be achieved, ying and yang must be balanced. To find that balance, one must venture into each extreme.

This year will be the next stage, the next level. I hope that I make the right choice.

I'm an idiot. I don't listen to my own advice. Really.

I tell people to listen to their body, don't be garang, don't risk injury or a ligament sprain. But today during rowing, I felt the pain, and that something was wrong, but garangness/pride/fighting spirit got the better of me. And after the set my left arm became immobile woohoo.

Now I get stabbed in the left shoulder with a knife every time I do a lateral raise. I'm the most garang of them all muhahaha. Eh. Really stupid la.

Anyway it was weakened by a really old injury anyway. Makes you realize how stupid fighting is sometimes. Right eye, left shoulder, right elbow, solar plexus, left hip, both knees, left ankle. And every time one of the injuries resurfaces, its irritating as hell to plan self-training around it. Not like they do often anyway, cause I was training safe so far. But changes to my program to reach the next level has made some resurface.

I probably should stop fighting lah. Live by the fist, die by the fist. Yeah, probably.

Video shoot today. Worked with a Chio bu that looks like the zoukout poster girl. Didn't stutter like an idiot. Good job.

Not sure what kind of classification of 'houses' those were, with running fountains through the house, a swimming pool leading to a jacuzzi, wine cellar in the basement, a tv the size of a dining table, 4 cars parked outside, Ferrari, porches, minis... makes you wonder which country's children these people took hostage.



Parents found out I took the car out. hahaha. Who would have thought that was "THE" parking lot that they would always avoid! I'm dumbfounded. Everything else was perfect. I shouldn't have wasted money topping up petrol knn! They weren't suprised... surprisingly. Then again they know by now that I can pick up any skill at a whim. Oh well. The stupid part is that they are happy and are encouraging me to drive instead of get a bike.

I rarely say that I will do anything. Or rarely promise anything. Because I believe that a man of integrity must do his best to stick true to his words, or at least appear to do so. All my life I've seen people who say that they would do this, or do that, become this, become that, go for this, go for that, not become this, not become that. Yet they do not hold true to their word.

Psyche teaches that you can tell so much about a person by how much he compromises about his own statements or promises. You can tell when someone is too comfortable bluffing other people, or bluffing himself for that matter.

Strength is not something that must be pursued on a physical level alone, but in character as well; otherwise there will be nothing great about that strength.

So yeah, I think I almost have a slight fear of making promises. Even in small things like turning up for things. But I'm still undergoing strength training, in this area too, I guess.

Resolution and strength must be developed holistically to advance one's status or character. Slip in one area, and you may be able to fool the stupid. But not everyone is stupid.

The check from buffalo new york finally came. ^_^ Supposed to be last month's bonus but this month's bonus is fine too.

Work today. Interview at Ubi techpark for a job. I found my way there from home in 20 mins and didn't get lost, powerrr....

Ended up getting the deal for another project too. Design people get along so well. Its a certain lingo that goes along with the visioning and storyboards haha. Was a little odd for me because I usually do my thinking to myself, but brainstorming is part of the job and you gotta be proactive in throwing out ideas no matter what.

Gymed with the moose and we were in too much pain to do anything much today so just did legs and abit of side raise.

Aching everywhere from the new training program.

Can't remember when the last time I ached this much was. Feels good! haha.

Work, drop by camp, then gymed with moose and monkey.

Teaching the moose how to encourage during weights is like trying to teach a tone-deaf person how to sing a soprano. I find that if I train with an overly positive, friendly and calm person, I feel really drained. Totally opposite to the whom people I usually train with.

Went to town with moose to grab all the stuff we wanted to buy yesterday but couldn't because we were rushing for the movie.

My favorite store was having a sale, and the salesgirl gave me an additional discount. She always gives me an additional discount. Makes me wonder if its a scam to get me keep going back or if shes really helping me out with her staff discount.

Haven't been getting enough sleep lately due to work and dota haha. Sometimes it sucks working at home because you don't know when to stop and you can get side-tracked so easily.

Geez, there's so much stuff I need to get done. Tomorrow going to be siao on work mode.

Side note:
I swear the rjc basketball court is a road hazard. Especially when its situated RIGHT BESIDE a fork in the road and the netball girls are having practice.

1:30am.

Just saved myself from carbs in the form of the most awesome egg/kimchi instant noodles in the world and settled for a lighter midnight snack.

Met the moose for gym in the late afternoon but... the damn gym closed at 5pm today again wtf! Bishan gym chao keng.

So we went to the bars and did mad pullup/dip combo sets. Frickin shacked after that... I'm in trouble. Had to drop set for the pullups before moose did. Lasted longer for dips though.

Went to watch borat after that. Damn funny. The part with the naked fat man made me feel like puking though.

The dips aggravated my old injury site. Right at the area of impact. Guess some things need more time to heal. But the pain wasn't anything serious.

Aight back to work.

Picked up a new keyboard from Jason just now all the way from pasir panjang wtf. Hotkeys rock.

I'm starting to think that women are critically limited when it comes to psyche and eq. Think they just like following their emotions too much. Something with female hormones or something?

She can be so smart and intelligent and have studied psychology, but just find the right trigger and viola, you've got a sobbing mess.

Then again, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Feelings are enjoyable. Positive and negative.

And the male version of this is aggressiveness due to testosterone. Then again, the ex-nj canoeing charbohs who often go for runs around my area look scarier and have bigger deltoids then alot of male rowers I know of. So scary!

Tonite's long run: 30:55 mins
Route: Home, central, rjc, spc, prata house, turn, spc, rjc, basketball court, home.

I missed it. Those serene nights as the cool night breeze welcomed me into the tranquility of the night. Time to think. Time to ponder.

I felt the effects of the long break from running. Everything inside felt rusty. But at the end of it, the thing that caused me so much pain in the past was no more. I felt reborn.

And I realized how stupid I was to be affected by my surroundings once again. I let my guard down in this team. Too easily swayed, too weak against convention once again.

Been slacking off from training for too long. Perhaps I believed the wrong things. Right before bmt, Gab and Col told me the reason or excuse that they so strongly believed in. Even nowadays I hear it in the seniors and current batch.

But I had forgotten that I had once prided myself in being able to manage more things than those around me.

Time management. Work. Money. Duty. Survival. Passion. Life.

When I first entered the team, I saw a bunch of guys who led such a carefree life. Just training then enjoying life. Whereas I had to balance training with work from my 3 appointments in camp, and music.

Every time after training I would rush home or grab a quick bite first, while they would go out and play. Sleeping late due to work, waking up at 5 for camp. While planning my positioning in camp to ensure my original goal and future for the team would come to fruition, along with meeting deadlines for my freelancing and building a portfolio for my future. They probably thought that I was anti-social because of that.

I suppose, seeing them so relaxed and carefree made me want to live that life too.

In school I had to worry about the student council and prefectorial board along with the school magazine while training with the spex team. When the rest were just worrying about grades and where to hang out later or where to have fun later.

Later I had presidented one club, captained a team, and represented another club while I organizing camps and planning training. When the rest of my cohort worried about how to conceptualize projects or how to present the next project.

Balance work with training? School with training? I heard all the excuses. But I had made it a point to take every weakness I saw in someone else and make it my strength.

I had lowered myself to the norm standard. But not anymore. People can use the excuse because they have never challenged themselves further, so they can get away with it. But I can not.

Living that carefree life for awhile makes you complacent. But in every team or community I had entered, I saw and expected more of myself.

Perhaps this is the driving force that I had lost so long ago.

I wasn't always such an over-achiever. But someone taught me that if I fought, I would make my way up. And if I followed my own path, the possibilities are limitless; instead of limited to what other people can do or have done.

Nuente These/Thesis

A concept of questioning the status or order and power in an environment. When things are too smooth-sailing, people get complacent, and weak. This is how this paradigmatic scenario was formed.

By organizing chaos into the current structure, a strong order must emerge to restore the balance and set things straight. The result will be a more united people or structure, with a much stronger cohesive force.

Order through chaos. Autonomy through order.

Its sad how humans need to be kicked in the ass in order to set the way points for something better.

But, I must insist that the thesis is flawed if a very important constant is ignored - tolerance.

Every structure, every person has different tolerance levels. Based on the times, age, path in life, experience and personality. Injecting more chaos than the subject can tolerate may result in the collapse of the subject or structure as a whole.

The hardest part in this concept is not the method of organizing chaos into the structure, but deducing the optimal level to be induced based on the tolerance level.





Playback process;

The process of recollecting and reviewing past experience, resulting in critiquing one's own control of the situation and his own emotions. An important process to break out of detrimental habits or cycles or generally improve or optimize one's level of emotional intelligence.

Every year I look back at the previous year's posts and wonder "what the heck was I thinking." Just like you look at the clothes you wore when you were young and wonder how the heck you ever fit into those.